My most authentic Happy dance? Will be a really uninhibited orgasmic experience. Really. I am not just being provocative. I actually mean this to be a serious topic. I can get up and dance at the drop of a hat and jump around seeming like an out of control freak! But that is deceptive. Because I AM in control, in so much as I am choosing to express and demonstrate my emotional state. But the Big O is different, One can’t exactly make it happen. One has to allow it… all the pieces of the puzzle have to fit together and fall into place in the right way to be safe and properly stimulated and in the moment, so one CAN let go.
It helps to have the elements all present, those things we do have control over, but to experience a truly stress relieving orgasm one must get out of one’s head and out of a controlled response, and into the full, uninhibited moment of one’s body and instinctual, primal drives. A very scary place for control freaks of any kind.
One can set the stage, procure the props, interview and cast the roles, even call in a bit of inspiration, direction or technical support, but at some point one must sit back, hands off, -so to speak- and just give over to absolute pleasure beyond the mind, or judgment, or assessment, or To Many Words! Sometimes this doesn’t happen as easily as it should. If there has been trauma, or abuse, or insensitive partners, or backwards education, one may not have the trust or confidence to let go so easily.
Sexperts agree that masturbation is the key to learning one’s own pleasure triggers in order to better share with a partner, but for some, even that isn’t very effective. (as an aside, some sources suggest masturbation and orgasm as a good remedy for migraine headaches also). The only sensible recourse then, is to educate oneself about the options, purpose and cross cultural solutions to sex through the centuries. These lead to the fascinating study and discovery of the kama-sutra and tantric sexual practices, positions, and ideals.
Sadly, these beautiful pieces of knowledge, art, and education have been very tainted and westernized, and distilled down to little more than a handful of new positions, while throwing much of the theory out the window. The very part that is useful and different and perhaps gives quality back to the experience. The thing we went seeking to begin with.
Tantric texts describe the connection and sharing of pleasure between partners as NOT being orgasm focused, but rather just sharing of energy and sensuality in the moment to achieve the best enjoyment from the shared experience. While our cultural sexual experiences in the west by and large, seem to be quite the opposite regardless of the social group, gender spectrum or sexual orientation of the partners,. Sex purely for the sake of orgasm , release or gratification can limit affection and physical connection to a very stunted sex only kind of physical contact, diminishing quality contact for both partners and the relating in a full spectrum of compassion, passion and deeper emotional connection that is translated with the power of touch. Diminished quality can eventually lead to sexual malfunction in many cases.
But let us assume that a person is relatively healthy, and somewhat scar free, in as much as anyone over 30 can be in this day and age. How does one let go and relax? Massage therapists will often instruct clients through deep breathing and visualization techniques, based on the idea that relaxation is a skill, not an event. It must be practiced, coaxed, and given time too. Like playing the piano, great sex, pressure free orgasms, or anything else worthwhile in life. So it may not be natural, but must be nurtured, particularly for those of us in the west, not slapped together or contrived into the limited space of mental distraction during a commercial break…
So we have to make time, and give our intention and attention over to the regular practice of pleasure, whether its just learning to have fun in our own lives, the skill of relaxation, bonding and trust between partners. In order to do that we must prioritize it in a high enough place in the many demands of our modern lifestyles.
