power of touch

love language. Everyone has a different love language, how they express affection and emotion, and what they need to feel love and affection from others.

Some people express themselves with sweet talk, compliments, and words of love and admiration. Others express their affections with gifts and tokens and trinkets to their beloved. From material luxuries to flowers, to more practical and mundane seeming gifts, it is their way of showing they care. Still others show their feelings with service, doing things like favors, errands and tasks for the ones they love. This person will fix things that are broken, and go out of their way to find a particular item, or reinstall software on ones computer, taking loads of time to do tedious tasks. But still others need more direct interaction, companionship, shared humor and a sense of mutual intellectual stimulation and reaction to feel bonded.

Some people need an open door to verbally process every thought and emotion with thier companions , friends and beloved, while others need space and quiet mental distance, or intense privacy and extending this same courtesy is their way of showing love and respect. Still others need quiet contact, little touches, and caresses, they are sensory and need to feel the hands and body heat of others to feel connected, to express affection, and to share their love. We are all different, and while most of us are some combination of these and other styles, finding a partner that has the exact same love language is rare.

This is often a complex and overlooked aspect of relationships. But a very important one. Vital I would say. Partners with different love languages may both be doing everything THEY feel expresses love and devotion, and completely miss the other persons ques and signals for the same thing. With out an understanding about each others primary love language and an effort to identify and learn the primary language of the beloved, each person may feel neglected, empty and resentful. A sense of being alone in their intimate relationship, and that their lover is removed or indifferent can destroy any good sentiment.

While we are each very different, touch is a powerful component to affection for most of us, but not everyone. I have dated more then one man for whom touch is strictly reserved for sexual gratification and any other kind of touch or physical contact is almost non-existent. Perhaps this is a "man thing", and the psychology and obvious lack of closeness this suggests, seems lacking and broken to me, and is heart wrenching. But they feel that they are fine as they are and call me clingy. (Incidentally I have also dated men that are far more "clingy" then I).

Still, as a massage therapist and someone who has dedicated my life to sharing safe, positive, non sexual touch, and educating people about the importance of touch and physical expression of compassion, it is a huge hurdle to be in relationship with someone who is NOT touch oriented. Babies die with out touch. Human beings need contact with each other. 8 to 14 hugs a day is considered necessary for good mental and emotional health and well being. This is far more then most of us experience, but I have to think that if we all had this the entire world would be a calmer, happier, safer place, just due to the endorphins and physiological effects that touch produces in the mind and body. Can you imagine it?

Safe, positive touch should be part of everyone's love language in my opinion, for the physiological benefits alone, but the most important thing is that each participant in a relationship feels a sense of reciprocal respect. That they are loved, valued, appreciated, and that their beloved feels the same. Ultimately it is the responsibility of all participants to create a mutually conducive atmosphere of love and loving. This requires openness, communication and willingness to expand ones own language and learn additional forms of expression and interpretation. Unfortunately we cannot make this choice for another, and cannot do it indefinitely alone.

giving up & starting over

You just don't reach 40 something, as a single person with out dragging some baggage. I think when a person finds themselves at this crossroads a certain amount of self assessment is very necessary. Not everyone is cut out for intimate relationships, despite the fact that our society and culture tells us that this is what we are "supposed" to want, do and have. With out the actual Capacity for intimacy no real relationship with another person will be possible or successful.

What is success? Many feel that a relationship that has ended is a relationship that has failed, but that is not always the case. In time, all things end, and we take the gifts and lessons we have learned and hopefully we have changed and grown into a deeper understanding of ourselves as well as humanity and relationships. If we are lucky we heal our wounds instead of becoming bitter or resentful and suspicious, and move forward at least holding the keys to our own baggage if we must drag it in our wake. And sometimes, after a period of integration and processing, a relationship can renew itself and its participants and begin anew with freshness and vitality. Ebb and flow is a natural phenomenon in the cycle of life and death and renewal.

We are a complex species with intellectual knowledge, and the power of conscious thought combined with education, information, and the freedom of choice. And for all our longing, yearning, questioning and fantasy about a significant other, and the ultimate companion, we must each face the truth that we are born alone and will die alone. And while relationships and other people are the most significant thing we can give our lives to, it is a painful journey if undertaken with expectations of anyone other then ourselves. People, men and women both, get some very definitave messages about themselves and each other, and their personal identities that create a lot of problems we spend out lives sorting out. While there was a time when strict gender role identities were a significant part of survival, we have mostly evolved past the need for such hard limitations on our person hood and planetary coexistence.

This becomes even more complex if a person is able to realize they do not resonate with these messages and that they in fact might be gay, or trans, or asexual. The punishment one experiences from society and their own psyches for going against the Normal and perpetuated status quo creates issues and problems for everyone that should not have to happen. But all of that aside, just being a hetro sexual that is 40 and single and hoping to find a real connection with another human being is a difficult thing. By this time we are less flexible, less open minded and less willing to adapt ourselves or our lives for the sake of someone else's comfort or well being. By this time we have been hurt and have regrets. We may be jaded, cynical, and untrusting, with little or no motivation to "fix" or heal this condition, or indeed even see anything wrong with it. Our defense mechanisms are at an all time high, and our capacity for true intimacy is greatly diminished from what it once might have been.

Although these statements are utterly preposterous, it is mind boggeling how many of us internalize and actually live by these kinds of messages in daily life and expression and decisions. "Women are the nurturers." "Men don't talk about feelings." "Women are hormonal and emotional." "Men don't cry." "Women are angels or tramps". "A good woman thinks only of others, never herself." "A good man has to be the provider." "Men are never soft or vulnerable." "Women are the weaker sex." "All men are children". "All woman are crazy" "men don't express their emotions." "Women are not logical." ... all of these messages are a part of mainstream society and our daily thinking and belief systems, and ALL of them are preposterous and extremely damaging to our collective psyches. So, what can we do about it? How can we begin to change these ideas for ourselves and our children and the betterment of the world.

http://thisibelieve.org/essay/45586/

All things end

"Reece" and "Byron" had been together forever. Well that is how it seemed to most of us. I myself had been married and divorced twice, and raised a child in the time they were still going strong, living the dream. When she came to see me the other day and said they were breaking up I was floored. She had been my model for how to make it work.

They were both fiercely independent loners, and had no children. I was closer to them then most and had watched as they lived the dream in their twenties traveling around in a big converted bus. And in their thirties, when she realized he was never gonna want children and that she had to make a choice. They lived "off the grid for a few years while she got her Bachelor of Arts and secured her dream job. In their forties they had saved for several years and bought an adorable three bedroom house in a prime location just before the economy collapsed around us all.

I was partially responsible for introducing them, and our old group of friends had all looked to them for an example of how to be happy, healthy, loving, long term partners. They were the last of the old group still together, the rest of us had wandered away in search of ourselves and fairer weather. Once, about a year ago, I had asked Byron how they did it, how they made it work and stayed happy and together for so long. He sort of started, and said in all seriousness "Its all Reece. She's amazing." I knew it seemed like she did everything in their relationship, but I figured there is always the side of things one doesn't see between two people.

Her amazing patience, and tolerance and ability to detach and let go of his moodiness and distance was awe inspiring. Her little way of sighing and laughing with a somber little smile when I asked her anything about the two of them and making it work, led me to believe that perhaps I had unrealistic expectations of men and relationships. It wasn't out of the question. After all, our culture does not provide us with realistic positive examples of men or of women. Sitcoms are filled with snide and sarcasm, and dramas are emotionally distant from real loving between couples, seeming to center around work relationships instead.

There is no workable model. Old world relationships seem based on strong gender roles that leave both people unfulfilled and women feeling empty and taken for granted. And the men of my own generation all seem like broken, overgrown children, waiting for mommy to clean up after them, and make them cozy, while they fantasize about threesomes with porn stars. It is easy to see why so many people are queer, NOT that I think its really a choice, but the clean slate of less rigid rules and expectations would seem easier. I know it is not. As my own daughter said: "All relationships end, and everyone has dirty laundry. If you're gonna have sex, you will have to wash the sheets."

Relationships are complicated no matter how you look at them. If we are in one we seem to want to change it. If we are outside of one we seem to think we can tolerate anything for the right other, just to not have to face eternity alone.We want a lot from our relationships these days and its got me wondering if arranged marriages might not be healthier and more realistic. True partnerships based on communication, respect, politeness and discreet love affairs. Why make sex a part of that?

Because in today's world we want more. We want the freedom to choose who we love, and who we marry or spend our lives with. We want a lover, and a best friend. We want passion and kindness, we want someone who will make up for how our parents didn't treat us right, but uphold all the ways in which they did. We want EROS and AGAPE. We want a companion, and a confidant and a sexually exciting human plaything. Perhaps we are all unrealistic and delusional. Yet our society and culture reinforces this desire in each of us, constantly searching for that one person who can complete us.

The truth is no one can fill that void. Once we've been through some stuff, and had a few relationships fail, we begin to realize this. Even without being particularly introspective of completing years of therapy most of us are aware. Yet we are compulsive and occasionally obsessive and continue to seek it on some level anyway. Sometimes I wish I did like women so I wouldn't have to face being let down by men. Even if my expectations are unrealistic how can I change that? How can I find that one other person on the same wavelength in the vast sea of modern stress and coping in which our country is swimming?

I realize that its time to reassess what I want, what I can give, and where to draw the boundary lines that protect and nurture myself, because I have begun to wonder if any of us is really cut out for a healthy, loving relationship that lasts. If romantic relationships are even meant to last or just a part of the biological mating dance. Most people say their kids are the loves of their life. I can't argue with that, but who wants to only ever be second best to someone? Perhaps being alone is healthier, and certainly for as complicated and unromantic as it seems, a lot of my poly-amourous friends seem a lot less miserable.

I still want to believe in the fairy tale of true love. that a commitment sets one free in ways that being alone or poly-amorous never can with trust, personal growth intimacy and vulnerability. But who writes these rules? its just the expected Norm that we have been fed by a puritanical society based on their fears and religious ideals. An ancient form of crowd control that got way out of hand. "So we sit here in our storm and drink a toast to the slim chance of loves recovery".

And I watch in awe once again, as "Reece" draws a line in the sand and begins the long slow process of separating from her partner of twenty years, to reinvent herself and finally focus on her own life instead of being a caretaker for a man that needs a mommy maid to run his life, and household; and I think maybe my inability to put up with it was not so far fetched after all. It's all about choices. Choices and timing. Its not really about how much love. The truth is we can learn to love anyone with kindness, consistency and proximity, but taking care of ourselves and doing our real work on the planet cannot wait till were dead.

Without my role model I am floundering without a map, and wondering where to go from here. Once again I get to step up and figure it out. In the end I find out that Reece had "had enough" of her time and care and energy not being reciprocated. And that seems a lot like justice to me. Not for Reece perhaps, at least not now, but in the grand scheme. Justice, fairness and reciprocal respect are vital for relationship success.

what should love look like?

I think the details of what love should look and feel like are a bit different for everyone, but there are some qualities to which most people would probably agree.

Somewhere between the ideals we all hope for and the realities we have encountered is the middle ground of possibility. But communication must remain safe and open. the conversation is an ongoing constant, not something that lives on a shelf and is only occasionally dusted off or refreshed...

We must ask for what we want and need. We must listen to the other with out getting defensive and try to consider their needs as if they were our own, even when we do not understand them. We must be willing to compromise and adapt for the comfort and happiness of our partner, and be able to expect the same in return. It must be reciprocal. Reciprocal respect.

pissed off and battle scarred

I am angry. Its partly my own fault because I know better, but its partly the media and modern society and what mass consciousness deems acceptable treatment and representation of women and girls.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what it looks like, or tastes like or feels like, I only know that I don't know, and that makes me angry. How can we get or create what we want in life when we don't know what that is or what it might look like?

We end up in the precarious positioning of trial and error. depending on the situation this can be grossly unfair to ourselves and our partners, but what can possibly be done about it? Self examination and introspection only go so far. Journaling, therapy, self help books, womens, weekends, classes in spirituality, assertiveness, and shamanism are wonderful tools, but with out a direct role model our lives are at the mercy of our most powerful and direct influence. Our immediate family, friends and to our detriment, the media, our cultures common unifying voice, that runs behind all of our other spheres of perception and influence, right or wrong.

With trial and error, we begin to at least identify what we do NOT want, or are not willing to tolerate or feed, but it can be a long perilous journey, especially for those who have never had the time, resources or guidance to learn introspective techniques. If I am at this much of a loss with all I have been through and all the assistance and resources I have been privileged enough to access, then what becomes of the majority of people who have not had these opportunities? They are even more at the mercy of the media, and even less aware that there is any thing wrong with this picture!

so what do I want? a kind, emotionally present lover who values and adores me and is capable of intimacy. A journey we will have to travel together.

What does intimacy look like? Its probably different for every couple but somewhere in that scenario is a lot of vulnerability and microscopic honesty with ones self and ones partner. A willingness to risk being truely seen and even judged, by another whom we admire and adore. A willingness and follow through to prioritize our commitment to anothers wellbeing and happiness as much as our own. A willingness to honor the vulnerability of the other as we want our own to be handled with care, a willingness to sometimes be wrong, and to admit it, and to be gentle when telling our partner they are wrong about something.

We cannot do it or choose for the other, only for our selves, and that leaves us vulnerable at the very start. Finding someone who is truly willing is the first step, and in a media induced and enforced world of pretenders and players, sincerity is rare. all we can do is play nice, play fair, try to find the balance between protecting ourselves and trusting another. It takes time. nd there is no substitute for time. so instead we distract ourselves with details and nitpicking. But that is a choice.

stubborn uncertainty

It would seem that in order to have a successful long term relationship one must be willing to be stubborn. When things reach a place of apathy, or uncertainty, this can be very difficult. the basic elements of success seem to be patience, forgiveness, stubbornness and a willingness to see the humor. An insistence at hanging on despite feelings of throwing in the towel...

Love is as much an ACTION as a feeling or emotion. It is a choice sometimes.

What is Monogomy?

Monogamy is a tricky thing. Defining it is even more complex and is worthy of very specifically discussed ground rules. I have had to many relationships where the definition is assumed, and never defined at all.

One partner said "don't do anything you wouldn't want me to do" which seems straight forward and simple enough -superficially, only to find that my partner and I had very different ideas and scales as to what even THAT might mean. Everyone ends up hurting and confused and resentful, from what should be a beautiful celebration.

To one partner being faithful and monogamous may mean no intercourse, to another it may mean no flirting. One person may say no climax, while another says no time alone or intimate conversations with the opposite sex. Then we have the realm of virtual sex, and virtual or online flirting. To me THAT is very precarious, insulting and escapist. All that time dedicated to fantasy while real flesh and blood interest grows cold, taken for granted, or left undervalued...

So how do we figure it out, with out a lot of trial and error? With out a lot of conversations as we stumble blindly along?

One friend said she hopes to find monogamy, till then others define her as Poly, but that is not what she is about either. She just thinks that our culture rushes into it way to fast, instead of allowing it to grow and evolve over time, (she was talking years) So that it is a natural and organic blossoming and choice for both parties rather then a prison sentence for one or the other as seems common for so many. I find myself considering some of her views and turning them over in a larger cultural sense...

You can't push the river. No matter how much you covet the destination. But I know what I want. I just want it freely offered and joyously given, and celebrated in return, not coerced or resentfully presented like a petulant child with a prison sentence. I am nobodies warden.

And all of this brings us back around to trust. We don't have anything with out trust.