Part time lover

What to make of a person who declares their love several times a day, and clearly enjoys your company in their life, but bolts at the very idea of becoming a part of yours or meeting anyone in your sphere of reality. What does one assume about such a person, a self proclaimed hermit.

One, we can safely assume this person like to control things, and to some degree circumstance. Other people are unknowns, and often unpredictable factors that cannot be controlled outside f owns own sphere of influence, or outside of ones home. It is much easier to feel a measure of superiority and influence towards ones guests, then on equal footing or as a guest of someone else.

Two, this person is lonely and does enjoy ones company, and does indeed feel affection and even love for the object of affection, but is clearly incapable of viewing another person as a whole person from the safety of this position. Can the other ever be much more then an appendage or a satellite in this scenario?

Three, There is some history which influences this perception, as long as I am aloof and somewhat cooperative but slightly unattainable, this person adores and is very attentive, allowing me to bask in his presence, and this is what I want to feel in a relationship. But with out becoming a part of MY world, with out meeting my parents or getting to know my life outside of his sphere, it is a one sided relationship, if it is a relationship at all. So what is it?

Basking in adoration is a lot of what I want, a lot of what was missing when I dated the voyeur. Please God, can I rest here and be loved a while? Is this the one you've meant for me all along? Is there truly someone for everyone? Is there someone for me? I am not going to surrender again, but if such a man can run beside me I will consider him. But I do have some required criteria. Can he measure up?

The criteria:

A healthy, emotionally available man with a job, a car, a home, a goal and a direction in life, that totally adores me. As much as I love him,and as easy as it is to be adored I don't feel he meets the criteria even halfway. Funny how after my recent heart break, my life long feelings for him have changed, I still love him, but no longer feel IN LOVE, I no longer want to settle for a man like this not even this man. But our closeness and affection would definitely be an issue or a deterrent to anyone else either of us tried to date.

Returning to Light

I have walked some dark roads. Like Joni says, I seem to be drawn to dark cafe's and ally ways, the rustic, the sombre, the macabre. For all this, I prefer simple people who wear their hearts and their passions on their sleeves, for I have found they are rarely full of guile, malice, or pretense and rarely have the wickedness or desire to harm another for their own gain. As so many more sophisticated and educated men seem prone to. I love intelligence, but when it is accompanied by bitterness, cruelty and a sense of unabashed entitlement it is a huge turn off. So my tastes run complex into the simple.

After some of the roads I have walked in the realm of sex, drugs, rock and roll, I am still drawn to these things like a moth, yet I have a hunger for a gentleness and sense of healthiness that comes from a simple wholesome discipline, a self preservation that includes everyone,a sense of live and let live rather then the standard competitive, kill or be killed mentality so prevalent in those who consider themselves intellectuals. I seek the gentler souls who are harder to find in the spot light.

For all this the duality of my own nature makes me somewhat apprehensive to commit myself to one way of life, to one way of being, or one single other being. I have learned so much the past years. Family is where you go and they have to take you in. Some family is chosen and some is what we are born with. Significant others can make us far less significant to their own agendas then they themselves may be in ours, and that betrayal is a painful place to dwell, and to recover from. I seek the gentle wholesome ways of my priest, and yet hunger for the spotlight as well. The dance my ego longs to do for the applause of the crowd, writhing to keep their eyes on me again and a gain, knowing that when the moment passes, so does my fame and importance.

A song I once wrote comes to mind. And I am reminded that what glitters isn't gold. So I will slowly learn to check my email again and fade out the influence and importance of the man who callously used and hurt me, casting me aside nightly like a dirty shirt. I will learn to keep my balance around the other one, the man boy I have always loved and wished I could impress enough to win. To ignite a sense of passion inside of. I will live my own life and stay as near as he will let me in what ever capacity he desires, because every time I have left his side out of longing for more, I have made a mess of my own life, worse and worse and worse. So now I will stay until something better beckons or he tells me to go. I will be patient this time and allow him to set the tone and the pace of our association, and leave my angst in the music of the night, my longing to the realm of fantasy, and my expectations as unformed and vague as I can.

I will practice my faith in the Divine Right Order of the Universe. Even on the days I don't feel it, and reinforce it on the days I do. Coming home has its advantages. Coming back to the light and wholesomeness of simplicity after the grungy, dirty, world of sinful delights and drama. Like a night in Bangkok.

Learning Curve

The real questions we all have to ask ourselves is WHY am I still single? And, Do I really want a full partner, or just an appendage that can fit into the blanks in my own personal relationship madlib?

In my own case, I am single because of trust. I have been divorced twice, and burned badly by lies. You will have to earn my respect and my trust. I am sorry, but there it is. The truth is that not many people I have met the last few years seem to have actual “partnership potential”. I have learned the hard way that with out that, I am much better on my own. I already have plenty of friends.

Seeking a grown up man, with partnership potential:

An emotionally available guy, with a good job, a working vehicle, and healthy friendships of his own. He has the ability to consistently demonstrate a sense of honesty, integrity, and loyalty. A man that has discipline and compassion, realistic goals, room in his life to grow into a real and healthy relationship with a loving woman, and the ability and desire to openly and effectively communicate with a real partner. Not addicted to, or overly dependent on behaviors, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

-in other words, a healthy, handsome guy that is not a emotionally stunted or a sociopath- funny, isn't that what every woman wants? So why is it so hard to find? I have met a lot of guys that seem pretty good at appearing to be like this, but who seem to have dark little secrets that prevent them from upholding several pieces of this puzzle, Is it really so much to ask?

So now I find I am caught between a man I have run from, that possessed me with a passion unlike any I have known, Neal held me down and defined me, expecting me to fit into his projected ideal. But there is another man I have always loved with calm, loving compassion that both fills and frees me to be all of who I am. So one man held me tight while constantly rejecting me, making me feel I was never enough, never quite right enough to warrant approval, until I fled, and I am still cutting my loses and licking my wounds, unclear how to proceed without cutting him out of my existence, and praying a lot.

Another man holds me in his arms, tells me several times a day how much he loves me, spoons me, and tells me how adorable I am to him, yet won't commit to the definition of relationship between us. I let Kevin hold me, kiss my forehead, and whisper sweet nothings, I allow his affections but am careful not to match or return them with anything resembling ardor. I am careful to allow him to shower me with affection, but not to expect anything at all, or any kind of meaning. We have a history, I know he has a passionate side and that I could and do love him totally, but he has rejected me more then once when we've started attempting to define what we have, so it seems my best bet is to not do anything sudden or defining.

Yet I am left wondering if either of these relationships are reciprocal. The first certainly was not which is what made me leave. But the second? Just because I do not respond from a place of over the top 100% of what I am used to, does not mean I do not respond at all, or do not feel an equal affection as is shown to me. A part of me chose to come here and to be in the life of this man in what ever way he will have me, be it platonic, priestly or passion filled. But does he meet my criteria? Will an association with him, keep me from meeting or having an opportunity to connect with the man that will meet my criteria?

All Kinds

Reciprocal relationships come in many sizes and shapes. In a love affair there must be reciprocal respect or trust fails, and with out trust there can be no love. We can love the person, but the relationship itself can become bad or unhealthy, and we have nothing worth fighting for except ourselves.

“The greatest thing we will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” -Moulin Rouge. And it is true. All types of relationships require respect and reciprocity to work well. Friendships work because this is clear cut, but our relationships with relatives are often stormier when this is not such an obvious or well defined component of them. Is it any wonder that our love affairs become cloudy and complicated if our other relationships are damaged, non-existent or overly interdependent.

Reciprocity and mutual respect are very different qualities from co-dependance or inappropriate interdependence. A good friend and psychology major, who enjoys a poly-amorous lifestyle of relationships suggested listing what makes friendships good. And to then apply those important aspects and criteria to my future relationship potential.`

Response to a dating website

Have you ever noticed the arc of relationships? like the enchantment phase, the sex phase, the serious phase, then the baggage phase where you almost hate each other... this is where most people break up, but if they don't, they get through it to the reality phase and they like each other again in a much deeper more meaningful way. That is the REAL thing.

You cant rush it, or bypass the hurdles, or jump forward to instant deep intimacy, but this is the very best phase I think... the best friends and lovers part, that we all SAY we want to get to. And like it or not, only a commitment through the rough part gets us there. If someone breaks up in the rough part then the commitment was pretty pointless, because no one needs a commitment to hang together when its ALL fun and games.

So WHY are we all single again or still?