Love comes in many forms.
A few months ago, a big container of beads that I had, upended and dumped itself out on the floor. It was symbolic of the way my life was going at the time and what was yet to come, as all the sizes and colors and types of beads ran everywhere, picking up dirt, pine needles and pet fur... I swept them up and gave the lot to my friend who offered to sort them out for me, a true labor of love. She kept them safe for several months, sorting some of them in her spare time until I could face them myself.
I had begun doing a lot of beading to try to exert some kind of control over a life that felt more like it was living me and controlling my circumstances then the other way round. Beading is tiny, tedious, colorful, creative, and gives a very intricate sense of order and control to the artist in a concrete way that paint cannot. In addition there is an end result to show for the labor involved, Something I was not getting in my last relationship despite my best and most earnest efforts. I lost a lot of my self, and many treasured and expensive possessions to leave that unhealthy scenario. I even gave up my dog. Blessed am I to have so many truly loving friends to see me through rough times.
This quarter, as I heal, I have been examining all of my oldest relationships and how they have impacted my beliefs, choices and more recent relationship outcomes. I moved to another state, and slowly began to round up what was left of the pieces of my life. Pulling together the best of my friends and all their accumulative advice, I began beading with gusto, creating new patterns using finer materials, and developing a better intuitive effectiveness with the tools. I got the bead mess back from my friend and am slowly sifting through the debris, eliminating it from my life. I find as I sort, consider, and contemplate patterns for jewelry pieces, I also sort, consider and contemplate the tiny moments and foundations of my believes around relationships and love.
Love comes in many forms, and often it forms us. As I have examined these places with an open heart, I have come to change many of my views and opinions about myself and others that once seemed set in stone. A man I have always loved inexplicably that always set me aside despite similar feelings, one that smells better to me then any other I have dated. A step mother whom I never felt good enough for and spent my life feeling rejected by. A neglectful father who actually adores me but not in the same love language that I speak. A sister that I never got to know because of her proximity in age to my own grown child. Things in these early relationships have not always been as I have perceived. All of these relationships have evolved to be more positive as I have examined the impact of my own feelings, perceptions and roles in creating them.
