NEAL
We met nearly two years ago, at a party. I was freshly single and very confused. He was patient. We met for drinks a few times, and took a group to dinner once including his kids. We had some great chats and plenty in common with plenty of differences to. We were headed into some very different territory from one another, so we drifted apart. I certainly didn’t view him as boyfriend material, but he kept tabs on me from time to time. And would always praise and compliment me heavily, but sincerely. Whenever I was at a loose end he would express that he wished he didn’t already have a date or other plans. “don’t break a date for me” I would laugh.
As I flung myself fully into the dating world, I decided to experience lots of first dates. “Dating sucks, so obviously I need to get better at it.” Was my train of thought. I lined up four dates in a single week and thought I would give Neal a chance too. It was just dinner, and we were already sort of friends. We had a great time, communicated well, and felt very naturally, comfortable together, just like all the other times. I still didn’t think of him as a “date”, until he went to kiss me goodbye. Then something happened. Something changed. There was a spark of electricity that sort of wrapped around us both, and we seemed stuck together. It took me completely by surprise.
Now I see him completely differently. He is adorable, and rather handsome, and most importantly he smells good to me, when I can get him to abandon the aftershave. I am in awe. It seems that I have a sweet, hunky, intelligent, loving boyfriend that totally adores me just as I am in all my freaky glory, if I want one. So, Is that what I really want? Is it?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
First Dates
ITALY
This super mc-hottie was once my student. He used to hang around after the night class to chat and try to get me to go out with him. He helped me put oil in my car, and showed me what he was doing with the car he was restoring. He was trouble. I was extremely attracted to him. I would work hard to remain professionally distant, and had to tell him more than once that I could not go out with him since I was faculty and he was a student. He really got under my skin and would flirt with me every week relentlessly. By the fourth week of class I was so aware of him and his advances, and so completely bowled over that I had to skip a night of work and call in a sub. The following quarter I had to turn the class over to someone else, even though it was my favorite segment to teach, because I did not know how to face five more weeks of exposure to him and his incredible magnetism. That was a double edged sword.
Eventually the Italian hottie graduated and looked me up on face book, and asked me out. I had to go, for a mixture of reasons. Would he still excite me? Why did he want to see ME? And he was a former student, a door of support I try to leave open for all of my former prodigys. My mentors changed my life and being there for people I have influenced is very important to me. It turned out to be one of my best dates. He made my mind go blank, my pulse race, and blood tingle in my veins. I knew I would merely be a conquest to him, so I resisted his charm, but it was extremely difficult. I still think he is the most beautiful, hunky, handsome man I have ever seen, and he smells amazing. I mooned over him and the raw, animalistic attraction for weeks with breathless imaginings and wistful “if onlys”.
I wanted him in ways I am only beginning to wake up to, and didn’t hesitate to let him know after the ways he came onto me, eventually I landed him for another night, but he seemed timid and insecure, which I really didn’t expect . When I interact with him, I feel like the mouse in the game of cat and mouse, and everyone knows I much prefer to be the cat. Besides the whole Mrs. Robinson thing just made me feel old and pathetic, instead of beautiful and sexy. Who needs that? I prefer a man that chases me.
RALPH
We were starting to have a good little back and forth , so we traded number thinking texting would be more convenient. But I didn’t expect the diatribe of his life story, or his close calls with rehab. He seemed a bit better looking than the majority of men my age, which has been daunting because evidently I have been aging very well. But his story was sort of the flip side of mine. While I have been divorced twice, his life seemed filled with drama and alcoholism. His e- girlfriend contacted him while we were texting and wanted to get back together. I have to commend him for letting me know, but it seemed highly inappropriate to send me a copy of their communications. We’ve never even met and I was a bit alarmed by his lack of tact! Both in sending me the transmissions, and his tirade to her about her substance abuse. Ralph was cute, available and not too far away, but my own life has plenty of drama, and this sort of thing did more to discourage me, than to inspire confidence in online dating.
BRUCE
He seemed like a dedicated family man, which to my mind seems more interesting to date. More stable emotionally, more dedication than your average playboy in a midlife crises. Although many men I have spoken to have mentioned that being a father was a turn off for many of the women they have dated. I guess the women became competitive with the kids. A sad thing indeed. As a mom I get the importance of kids, and the idea that we only get one chance to make it good for them. When we switched to texting, he seemed less interesting than his profile had suggested, and his deep involvement in a cultural world I had intentionally left behind and walked away from made actual dating seem pretty unlikely. It only took a few texts to determine that we had nothing in common after all, and just talking was becoming a bit of a stretch. I will have to let him down gently.
PALU
Here is a guy that intrigues me. He is well spoken, but laid back. He has a variety of interests and values that are obvious in the way he talks and spends his time. I was most interested by the versatility of his photos. A bit a of a nerdy geek, a bit of a jock, a bit of a food snob, and open to all sorts of activities. Dancing, movies, staying in. I had lunch with him and it was easy to talk to each other. We had a lot in common. To much so. He would make a great friend, or really like my roommate I think. I was genuinely pleased to meet him though.
This super mc-hottie was once my student. He used to hang around after the night class to chat and try to get me to go out with him. He helped me put oil in my car, and showed me what he was doing with the car he was restoring. He was trouble. I was extremely attracted to him. I would work hard to remain professionally distant, and had to tell him more than once that I could not go out with him since I was faculty and he was a student. He really got under my skin and would flirt with me every week relentlessly. By the fourth week of class I was so aware of him and his advances, and so completely bowled over that I had to skip a night of work and call in a sub. The following quarter I had to turn the class over to someone else, even though it was my favorite segment to teach, because I did not know how to face five more weeks of exposure to him and his incredible magnetism. That was a double edged sword.
Eventually the Italian hottie graduated and looked me up on face book, and asked me out. I had to go, for a mixture of reasons. Would he still excite me? Why did he want to see ME? And he was a former student, a door of support I try to leave open for all of my former prodigys. My mentors changed my life and being there for people I have influenced is very important to me. It turned out to be one of my best dates. He made my mind go blank, my pulse race, and blood tingle in my veins. I knew I would merely be a conquest to him, so I resisted his charm, but it was extremely difficult. I still think he is the most beautiful, hunky, handsome man I have ever seen, and he smells amazing. I mooned over him and the raw, animalistic attraction for weeks with breathless imaginings and wistful “if onlys”.
I wanted him in ways I am only beginning to wake up to, and didn’t hesitate to let him know after the ways he came onto me, eventually I landed him for another night, but he seemed timid and insecure, which I really didn’t expect . When I interact with him, I feel like the mouse in the game of cat and mouse, and everyone knows I much prefer to be the cat. Besides the whole Mrs. Robinson thing just made me feel old and pathetic, instead of beautiful and sexy. Who needs that? I prefer a man that chases me.
RALPH
We were starting to have a good little back and forth , so we traded number thinking texting would be more convenient. But I didn’t expect the diatribe of his life story, or his close calls with rehab. He seemed a bit better looking than the majority of men my age, which has been daunting because evidently I have been aging very well. But his story was sort of the flip side of mine. While I have been divorced twice, his life seemed filled with drama and alcoholism. His e- girlfriend contacted him while we were texting and wanted to get back together. I have to commend him for letting me know, but it seemed highly inappropriate to send me a copy of their communications. We’ve never even met and I was a bit alarmed by his lack of tact! Both in sending me the transmissions, and his tirade to her about her substance abuse. Ralph was cute, available and not too far away, but my own life has plenty of drama, and this sort of thing did more to discourage me, than to inspire confidence in online dating.
BRUCE
He seemed like a dedicated family man, which to my mind seems more interesting to date. More stable emotionally, more dedication than your average playboy in a midlife crises. Although many men I have spoken to have mentioned that being a father was a turn off for many of the women they have dated. I guess the women became competitive with the kids. A sad thing indeed. As a mom I get the importance of kids, and the idea that we only get one chance to make it good for them. When we switched to texting, he seemed less interesting than his profile had suggested, and his deep involvement in a cultural world I had intentionally left behind and walked away from made actual dating seem pretty unlikely. It only took a few texts to determine that we had nothing in common after all, and just talking was becoming a bit of a stretch. I will have to let him down gently.
PALU
Here is a guy that intrigues me. He is well spoken, but laid back. He has a variety of interests and values that are obvious in the way he talks and spends his time. I was most interested by the versatility of his photos. A bit a of a nerdy geek, a bit of a jock, a bit of a food snob, and open to all sorts of activities. Dancing, movies, staying in. I had lunch with him and it was easy to talk to each other. We had a lot in common. To much so. He would make a great friend, or really like my roommate I think. I was genuinely pleased to meet him though.
Recent dates
BEN
We met on the internet. His pictures were sporadic and most seemed quite dated and antiquated, but he had a sweetness and originality that was hard to ignore. As a date, he invited me to fly a kite with him. We decided to exchange numbers and converse in text for mutual convenience. We found we had a lot to say to one another. Through circumstance and inconvenience, one thing and then another our first date was delayed by nearly ten days. During that time we texted a lot, and got to know each other fairly well, we exchanged over 1500 texts. We even had a disagreement where we didn’t speak for 36 hours and I erased his number to keep from harassing him. During this long virtual affair and courtship, I explained the science of smell and pheromones to him repeatedly. “It’s all about smell” I would tell him.
“Not your after shave, or deodorant or any of that, but your natural smell.” When he insisted he smelled good, I would have to patiently explain that it wasn’t about good or bad , but about a man smelling RIGHT to a particular woman. He seemed to understand, and when we connected really well we would take turns expressing the sentiment that we both hoped he would smell right to me. By the time we met in person, we had both become fond of our daily chats and contact. We argued and still enjoyed each other’s perspective and take on the world. We were close.
Our date was to take a walk down town, to look at a few fountains, the water front, we snuggled together to stare at the stars, in the Japanese garden at night; and finally busted into a church yard and play like kids on the swings. I had a great time with Ben, and we had walked and talked all over town, but he did not smell right. He lent me a movie and got his roommate to drive us each home. I am fond of him and continue to text him. I value his friendship.
ANDY
Andy was a pen pal for a while. And really makes me laugh. He takes me in hand with a bit of humor and a bit of a lecture. He chides and kids and makes blunt statements. We have not met and are both to busy to do so, but we flirt and chat, and discuss life in both absurd and serious ways. I am fond of him. We live several hours apart and our lifestyles make meeting unlikely, so we exchanged interesting letters several times a week. Andy has promised to help me write a better profile to keep the creeps at bay, while helping me draw in the men I might find more worth my time. Its true I’ve had some real sleazy creeps come on to me, and had actually cancelled my account because of it. But I missed the way I could say totally abstract and absurd things to someone that just seemed to GET it, so I had to create a new account and go back looking for him. I even stated in my profile to “contact me if” and posted his user name. Then I made reference to a particular nonsensical joke we had made up together. It was Andy’s turn to laugh, evidently this was hilarious to him, and we picked up right where we had left off.
FRIRISH
This was my first online dating contact. He was handsome, hard to get, and really adorable sounding. We flirted a bit and I got him to text me. It was clear that he was only interested in casual sex, since he asked to meet me several times, then made references to throwing pennies at my window. When I made references to meeting by daylight and the importance of smell in female attraction, he didn’t seem to know how to respond. He claimed to be sick to get me to come care for him, and I refused. When I suggested he find a way to talk to me about something besides sex, he ceased contact with me. Even with several pictures that I was assured by him and others were very hot, I didn’t hear from him again. Sad. I was taken by the idea of a French Irish man, and scoring myself a very cute and somewhat exotic boyfriend.
We met on the internet. His pictures were sporadic and most seemed quite dated and antiquated, but he had a sweetness and originality that was hard to ignore. As a date, he invited me to fly a kite with him. We decided to exchange numbers and converse in text for mutual convenience. We found we had a lot to say to one another. Through circumstance and inconvenience, one thing and then another our first date was delayed by nearly ten days. During that time we texted a lot, and got to know each other fairly well, we exchanged over 1500 texts. We even had a disagreement where we didn’t speak for 36 hours and I erased his number to keep from harassing him. During this long virtual affair and courtship, I explained the science of smell and pheromones to him repeatedly. “It’s all about smell” I would tell him.
“Not your after shave, or deodorant or any of that, but your natural smell.” When he insisted he smelled good, I would have to patiently explain that it wasn’t about good or bad , but about a man smelling RIGHT to a particular woman. He seemed to understand, and when we connected really well we would take turns expressing the sentiment that we both hoped he would smell right to me. By the time we met in person, we had both become fond of our daily chats and contact. We argued and still enjoyed each other’s perspective and take on the world. We were close.
Our date was to take a walk down town, to look at a few fountains, the water front, we snuggled together to stare at the stars, in the Japanese garden at night; and finally busted into a church yard and play like kids on the swings. I had a great time with Ben, and we had walked and talked all over town, but he did not smell right. He lent me a movie and got his roommate to drive us each home. I am fond of him and continue to text him. I value his friendship.
ANDY
Andy was a pen pal for a while. And really makes me laugh. He takes me in hand with a bit of humor and a bit of a lecture. He chides and kids and makes blunt statements. We have not met and are both to busy to do so, but we flirt and chat, and discuss life in both absurd and serious ways. I am fond of him. We live several hours apart and our lifestyles make meeting unlikely, so we exchanged interesting letters several times a week. Andy has promised to help me write a better profile to keep the creeps at bay, while helping me draw in the men I might find more worth my time. Its true I’ve had some real sleazy creeps come on to me, and had actually cancelled my account because of it. But I missed the way I could say totally abstract and absurd things to someone that just seemed to GET it, so I had to create a new account and go back looking for him. I even stated in my profile to “contact me if” and posted his user name. Then I made reference to a particular nonsensical joke we had made up together. It was Andy’s turn to laugh, evidently this was hilarious to him, and we picked up right where we had left off.
FRIRISH
This was my first online dating contact. He was handsome, hard to get, and really adorable sounding. We flirted a bit and I got him to text me. It was clear that he was only interested in casual sex, since he asked to meet me several times, then made references to throwing pennies at my window. When I made references to meeting by daylight and the importance of smell in female attraction, he didn’t seem to know how to respond. He claimed to be sick to get me to come care for him, and I refused. When I suggested he find a way to talk to me about something besides sex, he ceased contact with me. Even with several pictures that I was assured by him and others were very hot, I didn’t hear from him again. Sad. I was taken by the idea of a French Irish man, and scoring myself a very cute and somewhat exotic boyfriend.
Why dating sucks
WHY DATING SUCKS
It awfully nice to feel the adrenaline and rush of attraction when meeting someone we find very attractive. And If they are attracted too, well that is hard to resist. We all want to feel valued, desired and seen by someone we find hard to ignore. And so we date. A huge mistake but one we make again and again. We want to believe in the antiquated notion of romance and true love. But we are wrong.
We suffer through the awkward silences, the judgment’s and assumptions. The fear of rejection or of being shot down. We are embarrassed at how we seem to trip over our words when we feel a rush of heat. But I ask you is it worth it? Some people seem really good at dating, or surviving a date, almost as if they helped write the invisible book of rules. Rules some of us may never have quite understood.
But what is the point? Most would undoubtedly argue that the point of dating is to find someone interested in the same kind of relationship we ourselves desire with another. That is a pretty tall order. Some people want mere sexual gratification and validation. Some want a live in lover with whom they do absolutely everything 24/7. Most want something on the very vast, and wide spectrum in between. But add to this, that we also want someone with the same values, interests and basic belief system as ourselves and we’ve narrowed the field considerably.
With our collective sense of a “made to order society” we have stopped accepting ourselves and one another for the human family we are. We seem to expect some sort of perfect mate or partner on demand, like cable tv. As if this were reasonable or even realistic. Meanwhile we ourselves righteously expect with the indignation of a consumer that it is the other that must fit to our standards and requirements, while we are ever more unwilling to bend our inclusiveness or tolerance to accept or even endure human fallibility and foibles. Do we want an equal partner or do we want a servant or android that will be exactly as we choose in every way. We are trying to play god with each other instead of working on ourselves. Is it any wonder we are vastly and repeatedly disappointed?
We hurdle the landmines of communication, articulation and interests. We try hard not to, but still manage to drag at least some baggage forward from the past like tiny bombs with hidden triggers. No matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves, we all have scars, but with a lot of dedication, discipline and responsibility we can at least learn not to blame our current partners for the wounds of the past, and keep it to our therapists office instead. Not that most people bother with that, but it’s very helpful. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s get back to the date.
On the date, the two persons whom we will refer to as male and female strictly for the sake of differentiating the characters, not inferring any particular set of gender roles, values or projections onto what any well educated person knows is a much more complex subject and circumstance.
Let us say the man may feel the date isn’t going particularly well, but senses he may be able to get some physical pleasure if he stays with it. After all, he has already invested his time, and money and interest this far, and the mutual physical attraction is obvious. He may feel that being invested thus far, he might as well see if he can get anything out of it, so he does not disclose his true feelings as they arise.
To him this may seem fair, logical and justified, whereas the woman might consider this selfish, and arrogant lack of disclosure to be predatory and opportunistic. Especially if she keeps setting boundaries to let him know she is looking for something more and he does not back down and end the date or specifically address her concerns. Worse, he may acknowledge her concerns without stating his thoughts, true feelings or stance up front. This might leave her feeling confused and uncertain of how things stand the next day or after the date ends. She expects a call or another date to develop a deeper level of trust and intimacy, and he doesn’t want to “waste” his time on her again.
It is a familiar scenario to many, and one that could have been entirely avoided if the communication, expectations and intentions had been made half as clear as the desire and attraction was. This does not seem likely while these two parties view the subject from such different self-serving positions. But what choice have they? Now let’s change the circumstances a bit. Suppose she thinks the date is awful and is searching to find a way to end it, while he is fascinated , intrigued and visualizing a family with her, completely missing her polite cues that it really isn’t working out well, and she is trying to wrap it up. He drones on and on about his earwig collection failing to notice she is not really playing the role he has assigned her.
In both cases, at the risk of sounding sexist, I blame the man in this scenario. In both cases this character is self-absorbed and ignoring the feeling, and cues given by the female character. In both cases, it is up to her to guess what is happening, and to be self-sufficient, self-resilient, and very self-protective, demanding direct answers or actions, and taking control of herself and the larger situation. In both cases neither person ends up getting what they want. But it isn’t always like this. Sometimes there is clear communication, and clear expectations and a second , third, and fourth date ensues. Certainly for that to happen, both parties either have to understand all the rules and nuances of the game, or communicate a level of blunt honesty that surpasses these fairly typical scenarios.
It awfully nice to feel the adrenaline and rush of attraction when meeting someone we find very attractive. And If they are attracted too, well that is hard to resist. We all want to feel valued, desired and seen by someone we find hard to ignore. And so we date. A huge mistake but one we make again and again. We want to believe in the antiquated notion of romance and true love. But we are wrong.
We suffer through the awkward silences, the judgment’s and assumptions. The fear of rejection or of being shot down. We are embarrassed at how we seem to trip over our words when we feel a rush of heat. But I ask you is it worth it? Some people seem really good at dating, or surviving a date, almost as if they helped write the invisible book of rules. Rules some of us may never have quite understood.
But what is the point? Most would undoubtedly argue that the point of dating is to find someone interested in the same kind of relationship we ourselves desire with another. That is a pretty tall order. Some people want mere sexual gratification and validation. Some want a live in lover with whom they do absolutely everything 24/7. Most want something on the very vast, and wide spectrum in between. But add to this, that we also want someone with the same values, interests and basic belief system as ourselves and we’ve narrowed the field considerably.
With our collective sense of a “made to order society” we have stopped accepting ourselves and one another for the human family we are. We seem to expect some sort of perfect mate or partner on demand, like cable tv. As if this were reasonable or even realistic. Meanwhile we ourselves righteously expect with the indignation of a consumer that it is the other that must fit to our standards and requirements, while we are ever more unwilling to bend our inclusiveness or tolerance to accept or even endure human fallibility and foibles. Do we want an equal partner or do we want a servant or android that will be exactly as we choose in every way. We are trying to play god with each other instead of working on ourselves. Is it any wonder we are vastly and repeatedly disappointed?
We hurdle the landmines of communication, articulation and interests. We try hard not to, but still manage to drag at least some baggage forward from the past like tiny bombs with hidden triggers. No matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves, we all have scars, but with a lot of dedication, discipline and responsibility we can at least learn not to blame our current partners for the wounds of the past, and keep it to our therapists office instead. Not that most people bother with that, but it’s very helpful. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s get back to the date.
On the date, the two persons whom we will refer to as male and female strictly for the sake of differentiating the characters, not inferring any particular set of gender roles, values or projections onto what any well educated person knows is a much more complex subject and circumstance.
Let us say the man may feel the date isn’t going particularly well, but senses he may be able to get some physical pleasure if he stays with it. After all, he has already invested his time, and money and interest this far, and the mutual physical attraction is obvious. He may feel that being invested thus far, he might as well see if he can get anything out of it, so he does not disclose his true feelings as they arise.
To him this may seem fair, logical and justified, whereas the woman might consider this selfish, and arrogant lack of disclosure to be predatory and opportunistic. Especially if she keeps setting boundaries to let him know she is looking for something more and he does not back down and end the date or specifically address her concerns. Worse, he may acknowledge her concerns without stating his thoughts, true feelings or stance up front. This might leave her feeling confused and uncertain of how things stand the next day or after the date ends. She expects a call or another date to develop a deeper level of trust and intimacy, and he doesn’t want to “waste” his time on her again.
It is a familiar scenario to many, and one that could have been entirely avoided if the communication, expectations and intentions had been made half as clear as the desire and attraction was. This does not seem likely while these two parties view the subject from such different self-serving positions. But what choice have they? Now let’s change the circumstances a bit. Suppose she thinks the date is awful and is searching to find a way to end it, while he is fascinated , intrigued and visualizing a family with her, completely missing her polite cues that it really isn’t working out well, and she is trying to wrap it up. He drones on and on about his earwig collection failing to notice she is not really playing the role he has assigned her.
In both cases, at the risk of sounding sexist, I blame the man in this scenario. In both cases this character is self-absorbed and ignoring the feeling, and cues given by the female character. In both cases, it is up to her to guess what is happening, and to be self-sufficient, self-resilient, and very self-protective, demanding direct answers or actions, and taking control of herself and the larger situation. In both cases neither person ends up getting what they want. But it isn’t always like this. Sometimes there is clear communication, and clear expectations and a second , third, and fourth date ensues. Certainly for that to happen, both parties either have to understand all the rules and nuances of the game, or communicate a level of blunt honesty that surpasses these fairly typical scenarios.
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