Why dating sucks

WHY DATING SUCKS

It awfully nice to feel the adrenaline and rush of attraction when meeting someone we find very attractive. And If they are attracted too, well that is hard to resist. We all want to feel valued, desired and seen by someone we find hard to ignore. And so we date. A huge mistake but one we make again and again. We want to believe in the antiquated notion of romance and true love. But we are wrong.
We suffer through the awkward silences, the judgment’s and assumptions. The fear of rejection or of being shot down. We are embarrassed at how we seem to trip over our words when we feel a rush of heat. But I ask you is it worth it? Some people seem really good at dating, or surviving a date, almost as if they helped write the invisible book of rules. Rules some of us may never have quite understood.
But what is the point? Most would undoubtedly argue that the point of dating is to find someone interested in the same kind of relationship we ourselves desire with another. That is a pretty tall order. Some people want mere sexual gratification and validation. Some want a live in lover with whom they do absolutely everything 24/7. Most want something on the very vast, and wide spectrum in between. But add to this, that we also want someone with the same values, interests and basic belief system as ourselves and we’ve narrowed the field considerably.

With our collective sense of a “made to order society” we have stopped accepting ourselves and one another for the human family we are. We seem to expect some sort of perfect mate or partner on demand, like cable tv. As if this were reasonable or even realistic. Meanwhile we ourselves righteously expect with the indignation of a consumer that it is the other that must fit to our standards and requirements, while we are ever more unwilling to bend our inclusiveness or tolerance to accept or even endure human fallibility and foibles. Do we want an equal partner or do we want a servant or android that will be exactly as we choose in every way. We are trying to play god with each other instead of working on ourselves. Is it any wonder we are vastly and repeatedly disappointed?
We hurdle the landmines of communication, articulation and interests. We try hard not to, but still manage to drag at least some baggage forward from the past like tiny bombs with hidden triggers. No matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves, we all have scars, but with a lot of dedication, discipline and responsibility we can at least learn not to blame our current partners for the wounds of the past, and keep it to our therapists office instead. Not that most people bother with that, but it’s very helpful. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s get back to the date.

On the date, the two persons whom we will refer to as male and female strictly for the sake of differentiating the characters, not inferring any particular set of gender roles, values or projections onto what any well educated person knows is a much more complex subject and circumstance.
Let us say the man may feel the date isn’t going particularly well, but senses he may be able to get some physical pleasure if he stays with it. After all, he has already invested his time, and money and interest this far, and the mutual physical attraction is obvious. He may feel that being invested thus far, he might as well see if he can get anything out of it, so he does not disclose his true feelings as they arise.
To him this may seem fair, logical and justified, whereas the woman might consider this selfish, and arrogant lack of disclosure to be predatory and opportunistic. Especially if she keeps setting boundaries to let him know she is looking for something more and he does not back down and end the date or specifically address her concerns. Worse, he may acknowledge her concerns without stating his thoughts, true feelings or stance up front. This might leave her feeling confused and uncertain of how things stand the next day or after the date ends. She expects a call or another date to develop a deeper level of trust and intimacy, and he doesn’t want to “waste” his time on her again.
It is a familiar scenario to many, and one that could have been entirely avoided if the communication, expectations and intentions had been made half as clear as the desire and attraction was. This does not seem likely while these two parties view the subject from such different self-serving positions. But what choice have they? Now let’s change the circumstances a bit. Suppose she thinks the date is awful and is searching to find a way to end it, while he is fascinated , intrigued and visualizing a family with her, completely missing her polite cues that it really isn’t working out well, and she is trying to wrap it up. He drones on and on about his earwig collection failing to notice she is not really playing the role he has assigned her.
In both cases, at the risk of sounding sexist, I blame the man in this scenario. In both cases this character is self-absorbed and ignoring the feeling, and cues given by the female character. In both cases, it is up to her to guess what is happening, and to be self-sufficient, self-resilient, and very self-protective, demanding direct answers or actions, and taking control of herself and the larger situation. In both cases neither person ends up getting what they want. But it isn’t always like this. Sometimes there is clear communication, and clear expectations and a second , third, and fourth date ensues. Certainly for that to happen, both parties either have to understand all the rules and nuances of the game, or communicate a level of blunt honesty that surpasses these fairly typical scenarios.