Jan. 21, 2011
I should have seen it coming. I did see it coming. It was a great big, “turn back” sign, a huge warning to “Beware”. But like the fool and his folly I skipped happily onward, lured by the promise of the magical red shoes, the hope for something I’ve never seen on earth and keep dreaming of. At my age I should know better. When a man says all the right things and pushes your resistance, its only continued resistance he ever really wants, not surrender. When he changes his tune and starts doing things “for” you, instead of WITH you, it’s the beginning of the end. Silly me, I thought it was just a different love language. I’ve been sheltered. But I should have known. I have seen it plenty of times. So instead of quality time, we get excuses and projects and errands, and gifts of service instead of what we are really hungry for: A hand to hold, a heart to hear, a laugh to share and eyes to look back at us.
Relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances, but for some of us they seem impossible. I am to forgiving. To quick to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and to try to trust that they still care while they are busy back peddling. I am to kind, to concerned and too iconic. I don’t mean to sound vain, or self important, but it’s true. I am very pretty to look at, and men fantasize about who I am and what I am like, but its flat, and two dimensional, and prevents them from ever seeing ME at all.
They scrutinize and pursue me. I try to warn them that I am high maintenance; a Real, flesh and blood woman full of intense emotion and passion, and loneliness and my own life and goals and dreams, but they stare at my lips, or breasts or thighs and don’t really listen to my words. All they see is the one side, and it fuels their desire. I am creative, spontaneous, independent, beautiful, affectionate caring and compassionate. They work and work to convince me of their sincerity, until at last I let go and surrender, and try to get to know them, and let them see me in return. And then the fantasy is dissolved.
All of a sudden it is all too obvious that I am like almost any other woman, with the full range of moods and needs including the negative ones: moody, clingy, sarcastic, insecure, unreasonable, and jealous, with PMS and a bit more baggage then most. Baggage is a byproduct of being too pretty, too young in a soulless society of superficial values, and youth worshiping pedophiles. Most overtly pretty women have this problem, ignored and mistrusted by men and women alike we float on the edge of uncertainty, longing for deeper connection and being increasingly unable to trust ourselves and those who attempt to reach out to us. Sooner or later we are abandoned and deserted most of the times we try for it. It only adds to the negative baggage we carry. How do we change it except to settle for less then we deserve or give up on romance altogether? Even then there is no guarantee. I am twice divorced with very little dating experience, and none of it positive. So I am lonely, and unwilling to date again.
A roommate once asked me why all the really gorgeous women he dated always seemed to be so messed up. This is why. We either become cynical, un-trusting bitches, or we try to keep trusting and believing in people and get screwed over again and again, until we are nothing but a huge, hopeless, helpless bundle of defense mechanisms. It’s YOUR fault. Which do you prefer? The bitch or the waif? The baggage or the ice queen? Chances are you’re going to get a combination of both. I dare you to rise to it, to fight your own dragons and not hide your head in the sand when you meet ours. To be patient and constant and sincere all the way to the bone. The reward will more then be worth the gamble, but you have to mean it, all the way, no turning back, not just WANT to mean it, then flip channels.
I have a lot of consolation prizes, from my relationship disasters. You know, when they were doing things FOR me, and avoiding being present WITH me. Like pretty clothes and new shoes, like rebuilt computers, an education and a new career or two. There were a few material things that have come and gone. But the price I paid in trust, faith, and self esteem isn’t really worth it. I have lost some of my best and most valued friendships, and the ability to trust even those closest to me. I feel isolated and trapped in a superficial level of relating that seems without end or purpose. Life as a dried up, bitter old cynic seems rather pointless.
I am blessed to have made unexpected friends with Ex’s and their new lovers, But I am more cynical then ever and feel that IF this is the type of relationships I am doomed to have, why not make the best of it? Why not enjoy it knowing what it is from the very start? Why not seek out sugar-daddies who can give me material comforts for longer lasting consolation prizes? Maybe diamonds are a girls best friend. A trust fund is nothing to sneeze at, and having an attentive companion while touring the world is not a bad way to see it, even if they never see the real me. Maybe lots of lovers are the very spice of life. Sure to some it may sound kind of slutty, but honestly, I challenge you to walk five years in my shoes. At least with an arrangement like that, things would be very clear cut, and well defined from the beginning, and less hard feelings when all is said and done. So long, Next!
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