As I explore the intricacies of human sexuality as part of my anthropology studies I am expanding my own awareness and education. I joined a kink site for fetishists, and have begun correspondence on these subjects with several people around the world. My current pen pal and I were discussing some of my questions and concerns as I begin to explore my curiosity into what constitutes kink and a kink lifestyle. (As usual I used the back ground of my own life and relationships as a comparative backdrop), He had some great insights.
Pen pal: What are the ideas that are troubling to you? Why struggle against these ideas anyway? Unless they are very dangerous I generally feel you should embrace and explore the ideas that fascinate you. Once you get to understand, these things usually prove less troubling.[ ]...There will be a Fetish Market. I hope to get a new violet wand there as well as seeing new gear to add to my wish list or to provide kinky inspiration. [ ]...Finally there will be the Torture Garden Ball. That will be great fun. There are lots of opportunities to meet people, to play or simply to enjoy the burlesque shows and to dance.
What was your weekend like?
ME: I am extremely new to all of this. My weekend involved playing house and giving a large house warming party with my S.O. No, He has not shown me "the ropes" at all beyond threats and promises. Although I know he admires ropework... I cant even get properly spanked, whether I am good or bad. He is full of excuses. Says he wants a relationship that is NOT based on sex. I didn't think ours was, but I was originally under the impression that sexual play would be a good healthy part of it! For gods sake I am in my forties and was married FOREVER. TWICE! I deserve to indulge the need to explore my sexuality with a WILLING partner whom I can LOVE and TRUST.
Pen pal: I do hope things look up for you soon. It sounds to me as if you are desperate for a sound spanking, if not a lot more.
ME: lol. am I so easy to read? I am growing weary of trying to find out whats eating him. He always turns it all back on me as MY moods, or demands. I am a fairly easygoing, and very forgiving, understanding woman. I just want and need a lot of attention. something I have never made a secret of. My own mother told him that I am high-maintenance...
I suspect its all no good since I am to easy. He knows I want him, and there is no chase. I detest THAT kind of game playing. I am deeply sad that after so much promise and potential it seems I am with yet another man that just wants a mommy/wife, to do his dishes and keep his his house and be available for quickies. MY shy requests are met with excuses, and avoidance. Yes my frustration is immense. But the sadness and disappointment continues to grow. I don't know what to do or how to either fix it or end it. thanks for listening. :)
Pen pal: Of course your man blames you for being moody and demanding attention. Being a guy, he doesn't have moods. None of us do! We have pressure of work. rational reasons for a sulk or biting your head off. Conveniently you have periods and hormones we can blame for all our insecurities and shortcomings. Didn't mother tell you?
Do you make demands? Typical woman! After doing the washing, cooking a tasty meal and walking the dog you can drop to your knees and give me a blow job. Oh, and why are you wearing jeans and a sweatshirt? I want you in a basque and stockings.
Your expectations are thoroughly justified of course. But men have been trained to be dependent and selfish by doting mothers I'm afraid.
Joking aside, I do feel sorry for your frustration. I hope i don't take the women in my life for granted.
ME: I came to some important conclusions yesterday, bitching at some friends who listened and assured me that I am beautiful, and desirable and deserve to get what I want in my relationship.
There have been so many red flags.
I am convinced that the man I love, is still in love with some one else. indulge me as I list my evidence.
1, He has never wanted the lights on during sex, even early on. (something I am used to arguing until I am truly comfortable, guys ALWAYS want to SEE me)
2. Any day time sex is almost always from behind.
3. There has never been any love making, only urgent, violent quickies and psuedo-rape scenes. (This indicates A LOT of anger towards women if you ask me)
4. He is very attentive and playful IN front of other people, but not when we are alone, then he basically ignores me and spends all his time on the computer.
5. I have been on an anti-anxiety medication that makes me unable to orgasm, instead of trying harder, he gave up trying to please me. He's only gone down on me twice in 5 months of being together, and he is rough and impatient. (For a man in his forties I would have expected a bit more skill, and pride at pleasuring an eager, sexy woman, who actually loves him).
6. He has become adamant that I don't "dig around in his past".... Yet if it really is IN THE PAST then it shouldn't even be an issue. I share mine openly with him.
there are quite a few other other things too, even more personal...
I decided to try to keep away from him physically, but he is so sexy to me, and then he practically rapes me. And I love the attention, especially because its all I can seem to get. We just moved in together, but I can see that I may have to start figuring out how to break it off and move out. Heart wrenching, that is gonna be a slow process. I am so angry at him, but even more Angry at myself for doing this to myself, for getting myself into this situation.
Meanwhile I am putting on weight despite my best efforts, and smoking way to many cigarettes. I feel like such a fool. We were friends. I Liked him as a person. I thought I was doing something right for a change. making different choices. going for a different kind of guy. My first kinkster, so I could safely explore some new territory and aspects of my sexuality. But I get nothing but sorrow from him in that arena.
Pen pal: It sounds to me as if you live in a delightful place. The physical environment I mean. Emotionally though, you are in a very difficult place. You have come to that realization yourself though. That talk with your friends was important, you must take the message to heart, and act on it.
Don't lose your self respect, or your confidence. You are pretty. You have a good, sexy body. Don't let yourself go to seed and put on weight. Reduce or stop the smoking too. You are seeking the comfort there that your man should be providing. It's no substitute though!
You are right. Men want to see the woman they are fucking. To see her body of course. To see her eyes, her expression, her responses to what you are doing together too! Fucking from behind is fantastic. It can be so animal and liberating. A man can penetrate so much deeper. He can grab your hair, tits or hips to pull on. Doggy style is fantastic. Not all the time though! Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl are every bit as good.
Rough sex and rape scenes are great! Urgent sex, because you just have to have her...Have her now! Fantastic! Not to the exclusion of warmth and tenderness though. (As I right this, [my lover] is curled up with me, reading over my shoulder as I play with her hair. The sex earlier was intense and rough. Now comes the together time).
Being attentive and affectionate in company but not when alone. This is the reverse of normal. This is playing for an audience.
You may well be right. he may not have fallen out of love with a previous partner. If so, this is a fight with a ghost. A fight you can never win, since she has been idealized.
ME: You are right, everyone is right. I must stop being a romantic fool. I must be strong and quit settling for less then I deserve, in return for all I give. I must extract myself from his need of me. I must just focus on school and get myself OUT of this country. Out of this mess. Thank You for your heart felt and very candid responses, and permission to post them on my blog.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
How to live and love with an artist
So you have captured the heart and body of an artist, and you want to keep her/him, but don't begin to know how to keep up. Here are a few pointers.
Artists definitely have an archetype. Just think for a moment what descriptive words come to mind when you hear the word? Maybe: passionate, sensuous, inconsistent, flaky, talented, unorthodox, wild, untamed, arrogant, self absorbed, brilliant, charming, charismatic, moody, demanding, sexy, taboo, naughty, scary, unpredictable, extreme, manic, popular, annoying, unreasonable, socially inept, promiscuous, macabre, morose, brooding, sulky, dynamic, flirtatious, jealous, temperamental, unreliable, dramatic... see what I mean? and the list goes on, good and bad.
Not all of these apply to everyone of us, but most of us embody some combination thereof depending on the situation, our desires, our sense of safety, acceptance, romance and adventure, and whether or not we are actually making/taking time to play with our art.
First of all if you are sure you really want to capture *and keep* the heart of this person you have to know a few rules. -whats that you say? they have none? trust me. I am a professional, and I come from a long line of artists of every kind. there are very important rules, requirements, guidelines,They just aren't YOUR rules. Take it or leave it, but don't waffle around or play games out of bed. Say what you really mean, and Mean what you say. We generally prefer straight shooters, since that is how most of us are ourselves.
MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY REASON ALONE.
Do not get an argument about creativity VS Logic. You may win the battle but you will lose the war. Without passion, and frivolous inspiration, and beauty, and love, and the unfolding, exploration, sharing and expression of these forces, life really does seem meaningless to an artist, and they will become despondent or severely depressed if denied the exploration and sensory experiences they need like others need air.
ART IS A PROCESS, NOT A PRODUCT.
NOT making art of some kind, even bad art is a death sentence to the artistic soul. Not every doodle or silly little song can be a masterpiece. Not every photo shoot or decorating venture works out as we envisioned it. Artists really are like scientists in that they need to try and fail, and adjust and go at things from various angles and make attempts that don't work at all, to learn from. For many of us, we have evolved to the point where the end result, the fame, the recognition by external sources IS NOT what its all about anymore. Its the movement, the process itself. the full immersion and LIVING of life while we have it in our grasp.
COMMUNICATION
Open and almost constant communication is very necessary since we are constantly changing... -our minds, our moods, our dreams, our desires, our lusts, our hair colors, -at least you won't get bored. But we need discussions, speculations, flights of fancy, "tea" parties, naughtiness, body paints, times of laziness, and the opportunity to occasionally try on conventions before adding our own twist. We need to share all of this, either the process or the results, or both with other artistic individuals. We WANT to be able to share it with you, but we wont run after you for long, breaking our own hearts on your indifference or disapproval.
FEEDBACK & CRITICISM ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Artists can be brutal, but under that cynicism and tough guy act we are an overly sensitive lot. We love to easily, and usually completely. The heavy heart cannot create freely. Creativity does not blossom with a ball and chain, so even if our hearts have been broken to the core a dozen times, our art heals us when we allow it to. Of all people, artists really can love like we've never been hurt. But we need the same in return. Negativity, disapproval and criticism cut us like knives, twisting in our tender fleshy feelings, clipping our wings, and killing the unbound joy we need to bring our light and love and art to the world.
ROMANCE & ADVENTURE
What can I say? We need it. It fills the well. It gestates ideas, and tools of the trade like a giant stew brewing the next burst of creativity. Romance isn't always about sexual conquest. In fact it rarely is. Romance can be a train ride through new territory, it can be a slow sensuous bath by candle light. It can be recognizing a kindred spirit in an old Buddhist monk. Some of the best and most memorable romantic experiences I have had were NOT in the arms of a lover. Although if I had had a lover to share them with, or to help me find them, that would have been living the dream for sure.
Feel free to message and ask me questions about how to live with your artistic lover.
Artists definitely have an archetype. Just think for a moment what descriptive words come to mind when you hear the word? Maybe: passionate, sensuous, inconsistent, flaky, talented, unorthodox, wild, untamed, arrogant, self absorbed, brilliant, charming, charismatic, moody, demanding, sexy, taboo, naughty, scary, unpredictable, extreme, manic, popular, annoying, unreasonable, socially inept, promiscuous, macabre, morose, brooding, sulky, dynamic, flirtatious, jealous, temperamental, unreliable, dramatic... see what I mean? and the list goes on, good and bad.
Not all of these apply to everyone of us, but most of us embody some combination thereof depending on the situation, our desires, our sense of safety, acceptance, romance and adventure, and whether or not we are actually making/taking time to play with our art.
First of all if you are sure you really want to capture *and keep* the heart of this person you have to know a few rules. -whats that you say? they have none? trust me. I am a professional, and I come from a long line of artists of every kind. there are very important rules, requirements, guidelines,They just aren't YOUR rules. Take it or leave it, but don't waffle around or play games out of bed. Say what you really mean, and Mean what you say. We generally prefer straight shooters, since that is how most of us are ourselves.
MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY REASON ALONE.
Do not get an argument about creativity VS Logic. You may win the battle but you will lose the war. Without passion, and frivolous inspiration, and beauty, and love, and the unfolding, exploration, sharing and expression of these forces, life really does seem meaningless to an artist, and they will become despondent or severely depressed if denied the exploration and sensory experiences they need like others need air.
ART IS A PROCESS, NOT A PRODUCT.
NOT making art of some kind, even bad art is a death sentence to the artistic soul. Not every doodle or silly little song can be a masterpiece. Not every photo shoot or decorating venture works out as we envisioned it. Artists really are like scientists in that they need to try and fail, and adjust and go at things from various angles and make attempts that don't work at all, to learn from. For many of us, we have evolved to the point where the end result, the fame, the recognition by external sources IS NOT what its all about anymore. Its the movement, the process itself. the full immersion and LIVING of life while we have it in our grasp.
COMMUNICATION
Open and almost constant communication is very necessary since we are constantly changing... -our minds, our moods, our dreams, our desires, our lusts, our hair colors, -at least you won't get bored. But we need discussions, speculations, flights of fancy, "tea" parties, naughtiness, body paints, times of laziness, and the opportunity to occasionally try on conventions before adding our own twist. We need to share all of this, either the process or the results, or both with other artistic individuals. We WANT to be able to share it with you, but we wont run after you for long, breaking our own hearts on your indifference or disapproval.
FEEDBACK & CRITICISM ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Artists can be brutal, but under that cynicism and tough guy act we are an overly sensitive lot. We love to easily, and usually completely. The heavy heart cannot create freely. Creativity does not blossom with a ball and chain, so even if our hearts have been broken to the core a dozen times, our art heals us when we allow it to. Of all people, artists really can love like we've never been hurt. But we need the same in return. Negativity, disapproval and criticism cut us like knives, twisting in our tender fleshy feelings, clipping our wings, and killing the unbound joy we need to bring our light and love and art to the world.
ROMANCE & ADVENTURE
What can I say? We need it. It fills the well. It gestates ideas, and tools of the trade like a giant stew brewing the next burst of creativity. Romance isn't always about sexual conquest. In fact it rarely is. Romance can be a train ride through new territory, it can be a slow sensuous bath by candle light. It can be recognizing a kindred spirit in an old Buddhist monk. Some of the best and most memorable romantic experiences I have had were NOT in the arms of a lover. Although if I had had a lover to share them with, or to help me find them, that would have been living the dream for sure.
Feel free to message and ask me questions about how to live with your artistic lover.
waiting for love
I sometimes think I spend all my life around men, just waiting. waiting for them to do something, or stop doing something, or look up, or pay attention, or give a damn about something besides their own interpretation of reality...
Early on I am waiting for them to make a move, and ask for what they want. Then I wait for them to prove they are worthy. Then I wait for them realize what they have... I wait for them to hear my words when they see my lips move and my breasts heave. I wait for the waves of fear, or dread or intimidation to pass as they realize I might be hard to please. -or far to easy to please. Because once I actually make up my mind, change course, or set a course of action, I know what I want. And I am waiting for the man to believe me, catch up, or make the same discovery.
-with this sort of attitude probably comes off as condescending, snobby, aloof, or flippant. I may sound annoyed or even like a man hater... but I love men. I love everything about them. Even though I am very impatient with the neurological differences, in the ways our brains work, to prioritize information.
I can wait hours, days or weeks for some of them to come to the same conclusions I did in several minutes about a particular set of circumstances or the dependability of a new person. I am intuitive and just KNOW things sometimes. so I wait.
but sometimes the waiting is set aside when they demand or claim my attention or presence; or assistance, then I spring into action, no more the lazy seeming tiger swishing her tail, sometimes my body can move as quickly as my mind...
then, I pounce, revel, feast, succumb, until it is time to wait again. wait for recognition, or wait until I get bored with being under appreciated, or made to feel unimportant. and then I stop waiting at all, and I just move on, to try again.
Early on I am waiting for them to make a move, and ask for what they want. Then I wait for them to prove they are worthy. Then I wait for them realize what they have... I wait for them to hear my words when they see my lips move and my breasts heave. I wait for the waves of fear, or dread or intimidation to pass as they realize I might be hard to please. -or far to easy to please. Because once I actually make up my mind, change course, or set a course of action, I know what I want. And I am waiting for the man to believe me, catch up, or make the same discovery.
-with this sort of attitude probably comes off as condescending, snobby, aloof, or flippant. I may sound annoyed or even like a man hater... but I love men. I love everything about them. Even though I am very impatient with the neurological differences, in the ways our brains work, to prioritize information.
I can wait hours, days or weeks for some of them to come to the same conclusions I did in several minutes about a particular set of circumstances or the dependability of a new person. I am intuitive and just KNOW things sometimes. so I wait.
but sometimes the waiting is set aside when they demand or claim my attention or presence; or assistance, then I spring into action, no more the lazy seeming tiger swishing her tail, sometimes my body can move as quickly as my mind...
then, I pounce, revel, feast, succumb, until it is time to wait again. wait for recognition, or wait until I get bored with being under appreciated, or made to feel unimportant. and then I stop waiting at all, and I just move on, to try again.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
ooooo KINK
My response to a posted question on a kink website:
Question was: Are daddy/little girl kink relationships always sexual?
I had a daddy that was just a roommate. I am only just processing how intense and complete that relationship actually was, so bear with me...
He was the first man to act like a daddy and not be submissive to me. (Both my husbands were subs. I don't like that in men.) We did not have a physical attraction to each other at all. (I was fairly heavy, and he is/was fairly short).
His control issues and Neapolian complex helped break up my marriage while we lived with him, but he also picked me up off the floor and tucked me into the couch, or took sharp things away from me in the months that followed. He rallied our coworkers to keep tabs on me secretly and keep him informed. But he took me on more dates then either of my husbands ever did. Even before my husband left, and even when he had a steady girlfriend: at least once a week we would go to a movie, the park, a hike, a local nursery or home show, bars, parties, social events, or do big house projects like splitting and stacking the seasons firewood.
This pimp-daddy would tell me how to dress, how to keep his house, what groceries to buy, when to walk my dog, how to manage and spend, and save my own money, how to interact with specific colleagues at work. But he would bring home take out about twice a week so we could just watch TV with no dishes to worry about. He would share his cigarettes and go out to buy me morning lattes on the weekends, because I am slow to wake up.
He told me how to work the system with our bosses, and how to become more popular with our students and coworkers. I behaved perfectly for him. Sometimes he made me smoke a lot of pot with him, and watch cartoon movies like Kungfu Panda, or UP, and I complained but secretly loved it. He never let me feel like I was alone unless I wanted to be. My closest friends were always welcome and he loved to entertain and have small brunch or dinner parties for them.
He would take me with him when he went to do work at his parents house, and bring his single friends around to dinner to try and set me up with them. or leave me alone with them while he went to score them some smoke. After a while he tried to get some of our colleagues to date me telling them I needed a good fuck. I am just not into casual sex. I had to listen to him fuck his girlfriend loudly at all hours off the day and night. He liked to tie her up to the wall we shared. But they would buy me presents when they came out to find I had gone to sit in my car to get away from it.
Moving away to start my own life after divorce and stuff was really, really hard, because he kept telling me NOT to go, and that I needed stability not more change. But he just wanted a roommate he could control, and I needed change and liberation and a new beginning. He barely spoke to me after I left. And told me point blank he would never come visit me. I thought we were close friends. It was awkward when we ran into each other at work. It was like another break up. Even now he doesn't respond to me on Facebook, and Its sort of sad because I am still sorting out all the dynamics and trying to understand what it was, and what happened.
NOW I realize he was my Daddy and I LEFT him... its sad really. Because I value what I learned about myself with him, and he was pretty great, for a control freak.
Question was: Are daddy/little girl kink relationships always sexual?
I had a daddy that was just a roommate. I am only just processing how intense and complete that relationship actually was, so bear with me...
He was the first man to act like a daddy and not be submissive to me. (Both my husbands were subs. I don't like that in men.) We did not have a physical attraction to each other at all. (I was fairly heavy, and he is/was fairly short).
His control issues and Neapolian complex helped break up my marriage while we lived with him, but he also picked me up off the floor and tucked me into the couch, or took sharp things away from me in the months that followed. He rallied our coworkers to keep tabs on me secretly and keep him informed. But he took me on more dates then either of my husbands ever did. Even before my husband left, and even when he had a steady girlfriend: at least once a week we would go to a movie, the park, a hike, a local nursery or home show, bars, parties, social events, or do big house projects like splitting and stacking the seasons firewood.
This pimp-daddy would tell me how to dress, how to keep his house, what groceries to buy, when to walk my dog, how to manage and spend, and save my own money, how to interact with specific colleagues at work. But he would bring home take out about twice a week so we could just watch TV with no dishes to worry about. He would share his cigarettes and go out to buy me morning lattes on the weekends, because I am slow to wake up.
He told me how to work the system with our bosses, and how to become more popular with our students and coworkers. I behaved perfectly for him. Sometimes he made me smoke a lot of pot with him, and watch cartoon movies like Kungfu Panda, or UP, and I complained but secretly loved it. He never let me feel like I was alone unless I wanted to be. My closest friends were always welcome and he loved to entertain and have small brunch or dinner parties for them.
He would take me with him when he went to do work at his parents house, and bring his single friends around to dinner to try and set me up with them. or leave me alone with them while he went to score them some smoke. After a while he tried to get some of our colleagues to date me telling them I needed a good fuck. I am just not into casual sex. I had to listen to him fuck his girlfriend loudly at all hours off the day and night. He liked to tie her up to the wall we shared. But they would buy me presents when they came out to find I had gone to sit in my car to get away from it.
Moving away to start my own life after divorce and stuff was really, really hard, because he kept telling me NOT to go, and that I needed stability not more change. But he just wanted a roommate he could control, and I needed change and liberation and a new beginning. He barely spoke to me after I left. And told me point blank he would never come visit me. I thought we were close friends. It was awkward when we ran into each other at work. It was like another break up. Even now he doesn't respond to me on Facebook, and Its sort of sad because I am still sorting out all the dynamics and trying to understand what it was, and what happened.
NOW I realize he was my Daddy and I LEFT him... its sad really. Because I value what I learned about myself with him, and he was pretty great, for a control freak.
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