As I explore the intricacies of human sexuality as part of my anthropology studies I am expanding my own awareness and education. I joined a kink site for fetishists, and have begun correspondence on these subjects with several people around the world. My current pen pal and I were discussing some of my questions and concerns as I begin to explore my curiosity into what constitutes kink and a kink lifestyle. (As usual I used the back ground of my own life and relationships as a comparative backdrop), He had some great insights.
Pen pal: What are the ideas that are troubling to you? Why struggle against these ideas anyway? Unless they are very dangerous I generally feel you should embrace and explore the ideas that fascinate you. Once you get to understand, these things usually prove less troubling.[ ]...There will be a Fetish Market. I hope to get a new violet wand there as well as seeing new gear to add to my wish list or to provide kinky inspiration. [ ]...Finally there will be the Torture Garden Ball. That will be great fun. There are lots of opportunities to meet people, to play or simply to enjoy the burlesque shows and to dance.
What was your weekend like?
ME: I am extremely new to all of this. My weekend involved playing house and giving a large house warming party with my S.O. No, He has not shown me "the ropes" at all beyond threats and promises. Although I know he admires ropework... I cant even get properly spanked, whether I am good or bad. He is full of excuses. Says he wants a relationship that is NOT based on sex. I didn't think ours was, but I was originally under the impression that sexual play would be a good healthy part of it! For gods sake I am in my forties and was married FOREVER. TWICE! I deserve to indulge the need to explore my sexuality with a WILLING partner whom I can LOVE and TRUST.
Pen pal: I do hope things look up for you soon. It sounds to me as if you are desperate for a sound spanking, if not a lot more.
ME: lol. am I so easy to read? I am growing weary of trying to find out whats eating him. He always turns it all back on me as MY moods, or demands. I am a fairly easygoing, and very forgiving, understanding woman. I just want and need a lot of attention. something I have never made a secret of. My own mother told him that I am high-maintenance...
I suspect its all no good since I am to easy. He knows I want him, and there is no chase. I detest THAT kind of game playing. I am deeply sad that after so much promise and potential it seems I am with yet another man that just wants a mommy/wife, to do his dishes and keep his his house and be available for quickies. MY shy requests are met with excuses, and avoidance. Yes my frustration is immense. But the sadness and disappointment continues to grow. I don't know what to do or how to either fix it or end it. thanks for listening. :)
Pen pal: Of course your man blames you for being moody and demanding attention. Being a guy, he doesn't have moods. None of us do! We have pressure of work. rational reasons for a sulk or biting your head off. Conveniently you have periods and hormones we can blame for all our insecurities and shortcomings. Didn't mother tell you?
Do you make demands? Typical woman! After doing the washing, cooking a tasty meal and walking the dog you can drop to your knees and give me a blow job. Oh, and why are you wearing jeans and a sweatshirt? I want you in a basque and stockings.
Your expectations are thoroughly justified of course. But men have been trained to be dependent and selfish by doting mothers I'm afraid.
Joking aside, I do feel sorry for your frustration. I hope i don't take the women in my life for granted.
ME: I came to some important conclusions yesterday, bitching at some friends who listened and assured me that I am beautiful, and desirable and deserve to get what I want in my relationship.
There have been so many red flags.
I am convinced that the man I love, is still in love with some one else. indulge me as I list my evidence.
1, He has never wanted the lights on during sex, even early on. (something I am used to arguing until I am truly comfortable, guys ALWAYS want to SEE me)
2. Any day time sex is almost always from behind.
3. There has never been any love making, only urgent, violent quickies and psuedo-rape scenes. (This indicates A LOT of anger towards women if you ask me)
4. He is very attentive and playful IN front of other people, but not when we are alone, then he basically ignores me and spends all his time on the computer.
5. I have been on an anti-anxiety medication that makes me unable to orgasm, instead of trying harder, he gave up trying to please me. He's only gone down on me twice in 5 months of being together, and he is rough and impatient. (For a man in his forties I would have expected a bit more skill, and pride at pleasuring an eager, sexy woman, who actually loves him).
6. He has become adamant that I don't "dig around in his past".... Yet if it really is IN THE PAST then it shouldn't even be an issue. I share mine openly with him.
there are quite a few other other things too, even more personal...
I decided to try to keep away from him physically, but he is so sexy to me, and then he practically rapes me. And I love the attention, especially because its all I can seem to get. We just moved in together, but I can see that I may have to start figuring out how to break it off and move out. Heart wrenching, that is gonna be a slow process. I am so angry at him, but even more Angry at myself for doing this to myself, for getting myself into this situation.
Meanwhile I am putting on weight despite my best efforts, and smoking way to many cigarettes. I feel like such a fool. We were friends. I Liked him as a person. I thought I was doing something right for a change. making different choices. going for a different kind of guy. My first kinkster, so I could safely explore some new territory and aspects of my sexuality. But I get nothing but sorrow from him in that arena.
Pen pal: It sounds to me as if you live in a delightful place. The physical environment I mean. Emotionally though, you are in a very difficult place. You have come to that realization yourself though. That talk with your friends was important, you must take the message to heart, and act on it.
Don't lose your self respect, or your confidence. You are pretty. You have a good, sexy body. Don't let yourself go to seed and put on weight. Reduce or stop the smoking too. You are seeking the comfort there that your man should be providing. It's no substitute though!
You are right. Men want to see the woman they are fucking. To see her body of course. To see her eyes, her expression, her responses to what you are doing together too! Fucking from behind is fantastic. It can be so animal and liberating. A man can penetrate so much deeper. He can grab your hair, tits or hips to pull on. Doggy style is fantastic. Not all the time though! Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl are every bit as good.
Rough sex and rape scenes are great! Urgent sex, because you just have to have her...Have her now! Fantastic! Not to the exclusion of warmth and tenderness though. (As I right this, [my lover] is curled up with me, reading over my shoulder as I play with her hair. The sex earlier was intense and rough. Now comes the together time).
Being attentive and affectionate in company but not when alone. This is the reverse of normal. This is playing for an audience.
You may well be right. he may not have fallen out of love with a previous partner. If so, this is a fight with a ghost. A fight you can never win, since she has been idealized.
ME: You are right, everyone is right. I must stop being a romantic fool. I must be strong and quit settling for less then I deserve, in return for all I give. I must extract myself from his need of me. I must just focus on school and get myself OUT of this country. Out of this mess. Thank You for your heart felt and very candid responses, and permission to post them on my blog.
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