Returning to Light

I have walked some dark roads. Like Joni says, I seem to be drawn to dark cafe's and ally ways, the rustic, the sombre, the macabre. For all this, I prefer simple people who wear their hearts and their passions on their sleeves, for I have found they are rarely full of guile, malice, or pretense and rarely have the wickedness or desire to harm another for their own gain. As so many more sophisticated and educated men seem prone to. I love intelligence, but when it is accompanied by bitterness, cruelty and a sense of unabashed entitlement it is a huge turn off. So my tastes run complex into the simple.

After some of the roads I have walked in the realm of sex, drugs, rock and roll, I am still drawn to these things like a moth, yet I have a hunger for a gentleness and sense of healthiness that comes from a simple wholesome discipline, a self preservation that includes everyone,a sense of live and let live rather then the standard competitive, kill or be killed mentality so prevalent in those who consider themselves intellectuals. I seek the gentler souls who are harder to find in the spot light.

For all this the duality of my own nature makes me somewhat apprehensive to commit myself to one way of life, to one way of being, or one single other being. I have learned so much the past years. Family is where you go and they have to take you in. Some family is chosen and some is what we are born with. Significant others can make us far less significant to their own agendas then they themselves may be in ours, and that betrayal is a painful place to dwell, and to recover from. I seek the gentle wholesome ways of my priest, and yet hunger for the spotlight as well. The dance my ego longs to do for the applause of the crowd, writhing to keep their eyes on me again and a gain, knowing that when the moment passes, so does my fame and importance.

A song I once wrote comes to mind. And I am reminded that what glitters isn't gold. So I will slowly learn to check my email again and fade out the influence and importance of the man who callously used and hurt me, casting me aside nightly like a dirty shirt. I will learn to keep my balance around the other one, the man boy I have always loved and wished I could impress enough to win. To ignite a sense of passion inside of. I will live my own life and stay as near as he will let me in what ever capacity he desires, because every time I have left his side out of longing for more, I have made a mess of my own life, worse and worse and worse. So now I will stay until something better beckons or he tells me to go. I will be patient this time and allow him to set the tone and the pace of our association, and leave my angst in the music of the night, my longing to the realm of fantasy, and my expectations as unformed and vague as I can.

I will practice my faith in the Divine Right Order of the Universe. Even on the days I don't feel it, and reinforce it on the days I do. Coming home has its advantages. Coming back to the light and wholesomeness of simplicity after the grungy, dirty, world of sinful delights and drama. Like a night in Bangkok.