old love letters

I found this old letter to a then new lover. It should have been my warning, people don't change that much. we never did get out of this pattern. Live and Learn.

Hi sweetheart,

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I am bored and a little depressed. I think I need some major down time and relaxed, no pressure FUN. I would really like that to be with you somehow… to explore.

It sort of seems like we’ve already gotten into a less then positive pattern together. We handle problems real well. But that has never been MY relationship weak point. I am very familiar with coping, and treading water, and handling crisis and problem solving. That feels so co-dependent and forgive me for saying it but sort of doomed for failure. It’s having fun that is hard for me. It’s settling down together after and between problems that I don’t have much practice in. Just being together, in pure Joy, in the moment and digging it that I want more practice at. With NO external demands. (At least once a week for a day or so), to learn how to BE with ourselves and each other while doing our own thing sometimes too. Just grooving, without agenda’s, pretense, OR stress. J

It is a hard thing because so far our relationship and time together has been built on handling crisis. We got together while your Dad was dying. We talked about it and both knew better, but couldn’t help ourselves. (talk about self-control, don’t be so charming sparky)Then the crisis with my roommate, then my kid, then your job, then your kids, and now I am in finals. This is all so stupid. And now we are at the turning point. Two months.

What we do next and how we choose to handle this transitional point will determine where we go from here. I don’t know about you, but I am a little nervous, and a lot nostalgic, and very much taking stock of myself, and where I’ve been and what I might really want from this point.

I want to be more intentional, and have more face time to talk. And to explore NEW ways to have fun together, both in and out of bed. I want to make having fun and enjoying ourselves with each other a priority. I realize I am a sultry nymph, and bed IS just about my favorite place to be, but lets also do Archery, take photos, do the shopping, and go camping, more road trips as planned, help me build sets, and let me be a part of your life and interests too. I hope you have a good weekend getting centered and taking care of what you need to do darling. Its still about two weeks before I am all done wrapping up the quarter and can settle my life, and mind, and room, and schedule down a bit… I cant wait to do a deep cleaning and purge of outdated things in my room and my life. I have a lot to catch up on during banking hours, but I still want to spend my evenings with you when possible.

I am glad I met you [ name goes here]. I am looking forward to discovering more about ourselves together and our capacities for fun and loving, and good times.

PS Did I mention that I really , really LIKE you?

Love [ me]