Creative Healing

Love comes in many forms.
A few months ago, a big container of beads that I had, upended and dumped itself out on the floor. It was symbolic of the way my life was going at the time and what was yet to come, as all the sizes and colors and types of beads ran everywhere, picking up dirt, pine needles and pet fur... I swept them up and gave the lot to my friend who offered to sort them out for me, a true labor of love. She kept them safe for several months, sorting some of them in her spare time until I could face them myself.

I had begun doing a lot of beading to try to exert some kind of control over a life that felt more like it was living me and controlling my circumstances then the other way round. Beading is tiny, tedious, colorful, creative, and gives a very intricate sense of order and control to the artist in a concrete way that paint cannot. In addition there is an end result to show for the labor involved, Something I was not getting in my last relationship despite my best and most earnest efforts. I lost a lot of my self, and many treasured and expensive possessions to leave that unhealthy scenario. I even gave up my dog. Blessed am I to have so many truly loving friends to see me through rough times.


This quarter, as I heal, I have been examining all of my oldest relationships and how they have impacted my beliefs, choices and more recent relationship outcomes. I moved to another state, and slowly began to round up what was left of the pieces of my life. Pulling together the best of my friends and all their accumulative advice, I began beading with gusto, creating new patterns using finer materials, and developing a better intuitive effectiveness with the tools. I got the bead mess back from my friend and am slowly sifting through the debris, eliminating it from my life. I find as I sort, consider, and contemplate patterns for jewelry pieces, I also sort, consider and contemplate the tiny moments and foundations of my believes around relationships and love.

Love comes in many forms, and often it forms us. As I have examined these places with an open heart, I have come to change many of my views and opinions about myself and others that once seemed set in stone. A man I have always loved inexplicably that always set me aside despite similar feelings, one that smells better to me then any other I have dated. A step mother whom I never felt good enough for and spent my life feeling rejected by. A neglectful father who actually adores me but not in the same love language that I speak. A sister that I never got to know because of her proximity in age to my own grown child. Things in these early relationships have not always been as I have perceived. All of these relationships have evolved to be more positive as I have examined the impact of my own feelings, perceptions and roles in creating them.

Part time lover

What to make of a person who declares their love several times a day, and clearly enjoys your company in their life, but bolts at the very idea of becoming a part of yours or meeting anyone in your sphere of reality. What does one assume about such a person, a self proclaimed hermit.

One, we can safely assume this person like to control things, and to some degree circumstance. Other people are unknowns, and often unpredictable factors that cannot be controlled outside f owns own sphere of influence, or outside of ones home. It is much easier to feel a measure of superiority and influence towards ones guests, then on equal footing or as a guest of someone else.

Two, this person is lonely and does enjoy ones company, and does indeed feel affection and even love for the object of affection, but is clearly incapable of viewing another person as a whole person from the safety of this position. Can the other ever be much more then an appendage or a satellite in this scenario?

Three, There is some history which influences this perception, as long as I am aloof and somewhat cooperative but slightly unattainable, this person adores and is very attentive, allowing me to bask in his presence, and this is what I want to feel in a relationship. But with out becoming a part of MY world, with out meeting my parents or getting to know my life outside of his sphere, it is a one sided relationship, if it is a relationship at all. So what is it?

Basking in adoration is a lot of what I want, a lot of what was missing when I dated the voyeur. Please God, can I rest here and be loved a while? Is this the one you've meant for me all along? Is there truly someone for everyone? Is there someone for me? I am not going to surrender again, but if such a man can run beside me I will consider him. But I do have some required criteria. Can he measure up?

The criteria:

A healthy, emotionally available man with a job, a car, a home, a goal and a direction in life, that totally adores me. As much as I love him,and as easy as it is to be adored I don't feel he meets the criteria even halfway. Funny how after my recent heart break, my life long feelings for him have changed, I still love him, but no longer feel IN LOVE, I no longer want to settle for a man like this not even this man. But our closeness and affection would definitely be an issue or a deterrent to anyone else either of us tried to date.

Returning to Light

I have walked some dark roads. Like Joni says, I seem to be drawn to dark cafe's and ally ways, the rustic, the sombre, the macabre. For all this, I prefer simple people who wear their hearts and their passions on their sleeves, for I have found they are rarely full of guile, malice, or pretense and rarely have the wickedness or desire to harm another for their own gain. As so many more sophisticated and educated men seem prone to. I love intelligence, but when it is accompanied by bitterness, cruelty and a sense of unabashed entitlement it is a huge turn off. So my tastes run complex into the simple.

After some of the roads I have walked in the realm of sex, drugs, rock and roll, I am still drawn to these things like a moth, yet I have a hunger for a gentleness and sense of healthiness that comes from a simple wholesome discipline, a self preservation that includes everyone,a sense of live and let live rather then the standard competitive, kill or be killed mentality so prevalent in those who consider themselves intellectuals. I seek the gentler souls who are harder to find in the spot light.

For all this the duality of my own nature makes me somewhat apprehensive to commit myself to one way of life, to one way of being, or one single other being. I have learned so much the past years. Family is where you go and they have to take you in. Some family is chosen and some is what we are born with. Significant others can make us far less significant to their own agendas then they themselves may be in ours, and that betrayal is a painful place to dwell, and to recover from. I seek the gentle wholesome ways of my priest, and yet hunger for the spotlight as well. The dance my ego longs to do for the applause of the crowd, writhing to keep their eyes on me again and a gain, knowing that when the moment passes, so does my fame and importance.

A song I once wrote comes to mind. And I am reminded that what glitters isn't gold. So I will slowly learn to check my email again and fade out the influence and importance of the man who callously used and hurt me, casting me aside nightly like a dirty shirt. I will learn to keep my balance around the other one, the man boy I have always loved and wished I could impress enough to win. To ignite a sense of passion inside of. I will live my own life and stay as near as he will let me in what ever capacity he desires, because every time I have left his side out of longing for more, I have made a mess of my own life, worse and worse and worse. So now I will stay until something better beckons or he tells me to go. I will be patient this time and allow him to set the tone and the pace of our association, and leave my angst in the music of the night, my longing to the realm of fantasy, and my expectations as unformed and vague as I can.

I will practice my faith in the Divine Right Order of the Universe. Even on the days I don't feel it, and reinforce it on the days I do. Coming home has its advantages. Coming back to the light and wholesomeness of simplicity after the grungy, dirty, world of sinful delights and drama. Like a night in Bangkok.

Learning Curve

The real questions we all have to ask ourselves is WHY am I still single? And, Do I really want a full partner, or just an appendage that can fit into the blanks in my own personal relationship madlib?

In my own case, I am single because of trust. I have been divorced twice, and burned badly by lies. You will have to earn my respect and my trust. I am sorry, but there it is. The truth is that not many people I have met the last few years seem to have actual “partnership potential”. I have learned the hard way that with out that, I am much better on my own. I already have plenty of friends.

Seeking a grown up man, with partnership potential:

An emotionally available guy, with a good job, a working vehicle, and healthy friendships of his own. He has the ability to consistently demonstrate a sense of honesty, integrity, and loyalty. A man that has discipline and compassion, realistic goals, room in his life to grow into a real and healthy relationship with a loving woman, and the ability and desire to openly and effectively communicate with a real partner. Not addicted to, or overly dependent on behaviors, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

-in other words, a healthy, handsome guy that is not a emotionally stunted or a sociopath- funny, isn't that what every woman wants? So why is it so hard to find? I have met a lot of guys that seem pretty good at appearing to be like this, but who seem to have dark little secrets that prevent them from upholding several pieces of this puzzle, Is it really so much to ask?

So now I find I am caught between a man I have run from, that possessed me with a passion unlike any I have known, Neal held me down and defined me, expecting me to fit into his projected ideal. But there is another man I have always loved with calm, loving compassion that both fills and frees me to be all of who I am. So one man held me tight while constantly rejecting me, making me feel I was never enough, never quite right enough to warrant approval, until I fled, and I am still cutting my loses and licking my wounds, unclear how to proceed without cutting him out of my existence, and praying a lot.

Another man holds me in his arms, tells me several times a day how much he loves me, spoons me, and tells me how adorable I am to him, yet won't commit to the definition of relationship between us. I let Kevin hold me, kiss my forehead, and whisper sweet nothings, I allow his affections but am careful not to match or return them with anything resembling ardor. I am careful to allow him to shower me with affection, but not to expect anything at all, or any kind of meaning. We have a history, I know he has a passionate side and that I could and do love him totally, but he has rejected me more then once when we've started attempting to define what we have, so it seems my best bet is to not do anything sudden or defining.

Yet I am left wondering if either of these relationships are reciprocal. The first certainly was not which is what made me leave. But the second? Just because I do not respond from a place of over the top 100% of what I am used to, does not mean I do not respond at all, or do not feel an equal affection as is shown to me. A part of me chose to come here and to be in the life of this man in what ever way he will have me, be it platonic, priestly or passion filled. But does he meet my criteria? Will an association with him, keep me from meeting or having an opportunity to connect with the man that will meet my criteria?

All Kinds

Reciprocal relationships come in many sizes and shapes. In a love affair there must be reciprocal respect or trust fails, and with out trust there can be no love. We can love the person, but the relationship itself can become bad or unhealthy, and we have nothing worth fighting for except ourselves.

“The greatest thing we will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” -Moulin Rouge. And it is true. All types of relationships require respect and reciprocity to work well. Friendships work because this is clear cut, but our relationships with relatives are often stormier when this is not such an obvious or well defined component of them. Is it any wonder that our love affairs become cloudy and complicated if our other relationships are damaged, non-existent or overly interdependent.

Reciprocity and mutual respect are very different qualities from co-dependance or inappropriate interdependence. A good friend and psychology major, who enjoys a poly-amorous lifestyle of relationships suggested listing what makes friendships good. And to then apply those important aspects and criteria to my future relationship potential.`

Response to a dating website

Have you ever noticed the arc of relationships? like the enchantment phase, the sex phase, the serious phase, then the baggage phase where you almost hate each other... this is where most people break up, but if they don't, they get through it to the reality phase and they like each other again in a much deeper more meaningful way. That is the REAL thing.

You cant rush it, or bypass the hurdles, or jump forward to instant deep intimacy, but this is the very best phase I think... the best friends and lovers part, that we all SAY we want to get to. And like it or not, only a commitment through the rough part gets us there. If someone breaks up in the rough part then the commitment was pretty pointless, because no one needs a commitment to hang together when its ALL fun and games.

So WHY are we all single again or still?

what have I learned?

Justice. Reciprocity.
Without love, life is pretty empty and lonely, to some its almost nothing. Without trust, love is choked to death and lies bleeding on the floor. Apathy kills all possibility of passion and trust dwindles in its wake. If you feel or suspect something strange, or off, or less then fabulous, its probably accurate and true, but its good to have an unbiased soundboard for a reality check.

She loved him. They were both old enough to know better, but decided to roll the dice. He romanced her, seduced her and later even confessed to hypnotizing her to win her over. She gave it her all: money, time, heart, soul, creativity, service and did anything he asked just to try and please him. He quickly stopped respecting her, or doing anything that might have pleased her. He did not seem even remotely concerned with her pleasure, or happiness, but used her body, devotion, affection, and sense of submissive service to comfort and justify his self righteous detachment, and emotional abuse. She crumbled.

In the end, at the hardest time of year, in the dark, and cold, and personal hell pit of empty nest, and past sentiments, he told her to go, knowing she had nothing, and then he even scolder her for that. "You should have saved your money". "You should not have made choices I would not have made"... etc. etc. Scorning her devotion, and withholding any approval at all, and throwing her away in the dead of winter, like refuse, after using her up, the minute the rent rate dropped a bit.

"I have been through worse!" she told herself, and him. "You cant hurt me anymore". He had slowly, methodically cut her out of his affection and the various aspects of the life they had been building together, why should it be different now? Of course the trend was going to continue until it extended to physicality. anyone could have predicted that almost to easily.

She was a smart girl, she should have seen it coming. Part of her did, but it didn't fit with everything she knew and believed about him, and what a "great guy" he was reputed to be, so she turned a blind eye, whistling past the graveyard, throwing herself even harder into her commitment to Be present and work it out.

So now in the dead, dark cold, the little match girl once more finds herself alone, unprepared and shivering, as her life force drains pathetically away; trying to sell her tiny sparks of flame to those who do not honor or value her and what she has to offer. Dreaming about warmth, and family, and the wonderful joy of Christmas dinner, and glowing faces holding hands and singing thier heart songs to one another. It is to late to do it differently now. But what can she do now? can she save herself? She cannot dance in the red shoes from the old women, she cannot recapture what has been lost. She has no home and no direction.

What can she do? Where can she go? She has no money and no sense of self preservation. She has no sense of home except the one she has been banished from. How can she survive this round of winters fury without frost bite in her very heart and soul? How can she make better choices in the future? One cannot be commited while holding oneself back or only stepping up halfway. I need to know the answers. If you have them please let them fly forth from your lips, on the wings of compassion. I must know. I must know NOW. This little match girl is me.