I never knew that the games continued after commitment. I feel like a fool, someone left sitting in the bath water long after it went cold because I didn't know I was supposed to get out, dry off and tease the waters with my body for occasional moments, withholding myself from it most of the time. I thought the bath was it; committed, and in it for the long haul. I said I was taking a bath by gum, and so now I will take that bath to the end of time.
I blame a lack of realistic and healthy role models. Fairy tale romance is such a crock of shit. And it messes with our inner identity and sense of self. Why?! When focused on romance we tend to look at three things, the stories we grew up, and the stories we watch as movies and television, forgetting at some inner level that these are STORIES. We look to the celebrities and rock stars, huge mistake since that is usually just a Jerry springer episode waiting to happen. Or we look to our parents and older relatives... many of whom are utterly dysfunctional if they are still alive and together.
Honestly, we can listen to our friends about how a particular relationship is effecting us and our over all well being, but when it comes to troubleshooting they are rarely equipt to give realistic or helpful advice. They are bound to be filled with opinions, but that is hardly the same thing, and rarely, remotely helpful. It is supportive to have someone always see your side and rise to your defense, but what if you are in a causing your to expand your understanding, and maybe even grow, and its not a fight? I made a decision once to not take relationship advice from ANYONE who is not successfully involved, long term in a the type of healthy, happy, evolving, intimate relationship that I myself desire. The way I see it, this is the only person even remotely qualified to give advice on the subject, any one else is talking out their ass.
I honestly only know one truly dynamic, healthy woman, with her own life, and own opinions who has been happily and successfully involved with the same partner for over a decade. I try to follow her example. Interestingly she wont often say much on the relationship subject, so observation is key. She is a very private person. When she does address my questions, in her vague and very generalized way,I really listen up. She hasn't steered me wrong. But many of my choices in partners have been faulty. Definitely don't take relationship advice from me. Fame? fortune? popularity? that I can probably help you with. and this leads me to my delima...
more to come.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Moving On
It is so exciting to be a grown up in love!
Everything is so different. I know myself so much better then when I was younger and really believed that everything myself included was going to unfold exactly the way that I wanted it to. We really believe that until we are faced with enough opportunities in life to explore, discover and reveal our true strengths and weaknesses and to learn where we can and cannot compromise in life and with others.
We are forced to face the facts that we do not always respond as we might hope we would. We must come to terms with our own wounds and sense of controlling outcomes to be secure enough to allow our partner to be a whole and complete person, capable of their own hopes, dreams, crushes, shortcomings, and bitchy moments just as much as we ourselves are. We must come to a place of self worth and compassion, that extends to really allow another to be all of who they are, even in relation to our selves.Even in ways that may not make sense to our views of the world and reality. We must find an inner sense of peace with that before we are ready to move into that place that zone. We must really experience for ourselves and KNOW what our values and priorities REALLY are,as opposed to what it is we WANT them to be when presenting ourselves to others. Sometimes this can surprise even us.
But then we grow, our boundaries may increase, but our rules become less rigid, and our compassion expands to include those we may have once excluded. Our hearts DO heal, and then they grow. And somehow this allows us to LOVE (not NEED) more completely while being less injured by another. We become complete within ourselves, and no longer need another to complete us. When that happens, we learn to ask for what we want, and to let go of outcomes. We begin to enjoy the ride, the journey for what it is focused on what we can give to make it even better, INSTEAD of solely on what we are GETTING from the other person. We begin to have more FUN in our relationships, and a lot less drama. How awesome is that?
We no longer judge what is appropriate in the progression of our relationships by a time clock. We have learned to listen to and trust our friends about how healthy our relationships seems for us,and we have learned that drama and danger and excitement do not make up for or create, or replace passion. We learn that true passion can creep in quietly, when we least expect it, and that it rarely comes with the flashiest car, or perkiest tits. We learn that what glitters isn't gold, and that inner peace grows hand in hand with passion, self esteem, and healthy communication with the right person.
If we are lucky, we learn all of this while we are young and agile enough to earn the rewards and to practice the very fulfilling reality of these lessons. How do we know? Its NOT whomever gives you the thrill chills kids. Any great smelling, ladies man, mans man, girl about town, can do that. Its that diamond in the rough, the one who is there to hold your hand afterwords, and is dedicated they are to your overall well being -outside of bed, that will ultimately thrill you the most in bed, and it gets better over time instead of fizzling out. I promise. So be strong, enjoy the scenery, but define inside of yourself what you really WANT with out judging or condemning it.
Do you want a lot of sexual conquests? Do you want a real relationship with a fully independent, freely thinking partner that has their own opinions about how things ought to be? Do you want a companion that is like a puppet and does everything your way the way you want it? Don't condemn yourself for these ideas or choices, just explore them. Ultimately just be honest with yourself, and willing to accept the consequences that come with any choice and you will find it. I have.
Everything is so different. I know myself so much better then when I was younger and really believed that everything myself included was going to unfold exactly the way that I wanted it to. We really believe that until we are faced with enough opportunities in life to explore, discover and reveal our true strengths and weaknesses and to learn where we can and cannot compromise in life and with others.
We are forced to face the facts that we do not always respond as we might hope we would. We must come to terms with our own wounds and sense of controlling outcomes to be secure enough to allow our partner to be a whole and complete person, capable of their own hopes, dreams, crushes, shortcomings, and bitchy moments just as much as we ourselves are. We must come to a place of self worth and compassion, that extends to really allow another to be all of who they are, even in relation to our selves.Even in ways that may not make sense to our views of the world and reality. We must find an inner sense of peace with that before we are ready to move into that place that zone. We must really experience for ourselves and KNOW what our values and priorities REALLY are,as opposed to what it is we WANT them to be when presenting ourselves to others. Sometimes this can surprise even us.
But then we grow, our boundaries may increase, but our rules become less rigid, and our compassion expands to include those we may have once excluded. Our hearts DO heal, and then they grow. And somehow this allows us to LOVE (not NEED) more completely while being less injured by another. We become complete within ourselves, and no longer need another to complete us. When that happens, we learn to ask for what we want, and to let go of outcomes. We begin to enjoy the ride, the journey for what it is focused on what we can give to make it even better, INSTEAD of solely on what we are GETTING from the other person. We begin to have more FUN in our relationships, and a lot less drama. How awesome is that?
We no longer judge what is appropriate in the progression of our relationships by a time clock. We have learned to listen to and trust our friends about how healthy our relationships seems for us,and we have learned that drama and danger and excitement do not make up for or create, or replace passion. We learn that true passion can creep in quietly, when we least expect it, and that it rarely comes with the flashiest car, or perkiest tits. We learn that what glitters isn't gold, and that inner peace grows hand in hand with passion, self esteem, and healthy communication with the right person.
If we are lucky, we learn all of this while we are young and agile enough to earn the rewards and to practice the very fulfilling reality of these lessons. How do we know? Its NOT whomever gives you the thrill chills kids. Any great smelling, ladies man, mans man, girl about town, can do that. Its that diamond in the rough, the one who is there to hold your hand afterwords, and is dedicated they are to your overall well being -outside of bed, that will ultimately thrill you the most in bed, and it gets better over time instead of fizzling out. I promise. So be strong, enjoy the scenery, but define inside of yourself what you really WANT with out judging or condemning it.
Do you want a lot of sexual conquests? Do you want a real relationship with a fully independent, freely thinking partner that has their own opinions about how things ought to be? Do you want a companion that is like a puppet and does everything your way the way you want it? Don't condemn yourself for these ideas or choices, just explore them. Ultimately just be honest with yourself, and willing to accept the consequences that come with any choice and you will find it. I have.
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