3 people in a studio apartment

Here it is, 3 adults and two cats crammed into a studio. Sleeping on the floor, sharing resources, humor, cigarettes and stories of encouragement. The economy has effected everyone but the upside of this seemingly cramped up reality is a makeshift family of support. They don't have much, but tend to share benevolently what they do have. Living so frugally and in such small quarters allows more shared amenities like internet and tasty meals. Only a Television would make the space seem small, but they do with out.

There is a story here that three highly intelligent and somewhat educated people find themselves in such a situation. First there is "Douglas", a student and forty something man with acetic tendencies who prefers the uncomplicated life of simplicity to one of material trophies. Something of a hermit he opens his heart and home to friends in need. The rent and bills are paid from his rather meager resources of financial aide. He has lived here on his own for several years. He opened his doors and floor space to friends in need.

"Joe" is a thirty something man moved back to his home town after a long term relationship that broke down caused him to head for home to reevaluate his own values and place in the world. His sister could not have him underfoot since her roommates objected so Douglas took him in. Something of an upper middle class childhood has given him something of a sense of entitlement but he is a compassionate and well meaning man. He has a good job (now) but something of an alcoholic he has no head for money, or saving or moving himself on from the lap of friendship and sense of family he has found. Making more money in two weeks, then the other two put together in a month, Joe is perpetually broke, but good natured with a gregarious and infectious laugh.

At last there is "Tara". The newest addition to this scenario. A forty something student and empty-nester, longing for connection and the satisfaction of family and someone to look after from time to time. Tara moved “home” looking for new horizons after two divorces and a failed attempt at defining herself by someone else's criteria. She decided to surrender to a lifelong affection and sense of devotion to Douglas -regardless of the scope of that relationship- And didnt want to be stuck with her parents. She works at a job that she is extremely overqualified for and severely underpaid at. She buys and cooks most of the food, and is content with her boys.

All enjoy the realm of intellect and compassion' f friendship over material commodities, and of humor, shared experience and of facing the hurdles of life with like minded individuals. But still, I cannot think of any other roommate situation I have seen that has flowed so smoothly nor been as close nit or satisfying in itself to the individuals. Perhaps it is the long standing admiration, respect and deep love the others feel for Douglas, and the geeky humor that connects them in Joe's quick wit and friendly banter. But more then anything it seems to be about reciprocal respect.

Its a sense of open communication, honesty and voluntary reciprocity. As a group, all 3 huddle on the tiny excuse for a front porch to smoke cigarettes together because of genuine enjoyment of one another's company. Privacy would appear to be lacking but is replaced with genuine regard and holistic respect. An entirely new experience for most of them, there is an air of gratitude and casual, happy acceptance of what to many people would be an inconceivable imposition or hardship.

So there it is 3 people making it work in a studio apartment, turning what appears to be hardship into a blessing and person choice regardless of how it might seem to those looking in.

Happiness

What does happiness look like?

For me its a fulfilling romantic relationship with a man I have always loved. A deep friendship based on respect, and a natural reciprocity.

paradigm shifts

perspective colors everything about our experience and our expectations...

http://www.povertybridge.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=51%3Aportlandopcon

go Dr. Donna Beegle!!

Third of 3 poems

Here I am, alone with myself

like and old friend, wanting only

our other companion

our friend and lover to laugh with

to sit in silence, and hold hands

to kiss and mingle and soothe and feed,

to shine for and lavish it all back

surely I must step away and

allow you some space to fill the well

now and then. Surely.

but any other company is only second best.

-Except my own, and I grow restless.

what are the odds?

What are the Odds? What are the Odds of two sisters each being in a long term relationship with a man that that longs to be a woman? What are the odds, that both of them keep their partners secret for a period of decades, and never even know what the other is going through? Until one day when both MTF identities break out of the closet with in two years of each other...

This is my life. Stranger then Fiction. I couldn't make this shit up. The ins and outs of the details are irrelevant, MTF trans populations have a lot of literature available to support them, and to tell the typical progression of events and psychology in the journey. But this is about the survivors and the innocent bystanders of the havoc. The supportive, women used up and left behind.

I got over it, renewed our friendship and moved on with my life with a lot of help, support, counseling, medications, and new interests. I even starting dating after a few years, and eventually tried to love and trust again. I am baffled as to the meaning of anything in my life, let alone these strange series of relationships.

As a forty something woman, coming out of a bad love affair after two failed marriages, I am jaded, lonely and very suspicious of anyone eligible that is in my age range. “WHY are you single” I think to myself, because everyone knows that men of a certain age that are still single, are single for a reason. They are jerks, sociopaths, cheaters, gay, or asexual. “What did you do that makes you unworthy of any other woman at this point and why should I get the dregs”?

Some women are fine being single. My sister is excited to live alone, and once upon a time I was too, but now I just want the safety, comfort and security of the right man to snuggle up with at night, share my secret thoughts and fantasies with, and to nurture a real trust with. I don't see that happening for me anymore, I no longer see it as a possibility in my life, so I am left to consider the back up plans.

Travel, fast cars, and teasing younger men, generally keeping relationships at bay. Not at all honorable, but safer for me. This is my consolation prize. The untouchable, unattainable diva, the one everyone wants, but can't quite get. The one the hypocrites chase until and unless they actually get her. I know this role well. But it breaks the hearts of good men, and won't be captured. I just don't seem to do that well. This is the thing I have learned from my last failed love affair. I may long for a genuine companion, and a champion, but a cage, however pretty is still just a cage. And I must be free to fly or I suffocate it all.

This is not what I want for myself, but I am old enough to see the patterns, and recognize the signs and truths of these facts. I am a romantic, but I want the romance and ongoing interaction with out the fear, or mundane expectations. I want to maintain the place of perpetual reciprocity in my interactions with others.

why are they/we single?

The real question we all have to ask ourselves is WHY am I still single? If I really want a partner, or just an appendage that can fit into the blanks in my own personal relationship madlib. I am single because of trust. I have been divorced twice, and burned badly by lies. I start out not trusting and you will have to earn my respect and my trust. I am sorry, but there it is.

The truth is that not many people I have met the last few years seem to have actual “partnership potential”. I have learned the hard way that with out it I am much better on my own. I already have plenty of friends.

Seeking:

An emotionally available guy, with a good job, a working vehicle, and healthy friendships of his own. He has the ability to consistently demonstrate a sense of honesty, integrity, and loyalty. A man that has discipline and compassion, realistic goals, room in his life to grow into a real and healthy relationship with a loving woman, and the ability and desire to openly and effectively communicate with a real partner. Not addicted to, or overly dependent on behaviors, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

-in other words, a healthy, handsome guy that is not a emotionally stunted or a sociopath- funny, isn't that what every woman wants?

No. I am not angry, a little disillusioned and jaded perhaps, but not really angry. I just know what I am and am not willing to put up with. Please just take my word for it and don't test me, I am not your mama.

old love letters

I found this old letter to a then new lover. It should have been my warning, people don't change that much. we never did get out of this pattern. Live and Learn.

Hi sweetheart,

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I am bored and a little depressed. I think I need some major down time and relaxed, no pressure FUN. I would really like that to be with you somehow… to explore.

It sort of seems like we’ve already gotten into a less then positive pattern together. We handle problems real well. But that has never been MY relationship weak point. I am very familiar with coping, and treading water, and handling crisis and problem solving. That feels so co-dependent and forgive me for saying it but sort of doomed for failure. It’s having fun that is hard for me. It’s settling down together after and between problems that I don’t have much practice in. Just being together, in pure Joy, in the moment and digging it that I want more practice at. With NO external demands. (At least once a week for a day or so), to learn how to BE with ourselves and each other while doing our own thing sometimes too. Just grooving, without agenda’s, pretense, OR stress. J

It is a hard thing because so far our relationship and time together has been built on handling crisis. We got together while your Dad was dying. We talked about it and both knew better, but couldn’t help ourselves. (talk about self-control, don’t be so charming sparky)Then the crisis with my roommate, then my kid, then your job, then your kids, and now I am in finals. This is all so stupid. And now we are at the turning point. Two months.

What we do next and how we choose to handle this transitional point will determine where we go from here. I don’t know about you, but I am a little nervous, and a lot nostalgic, and very much taking stock of myself, and where I’ve been and what I might really want from this point.

I want to be more intentional, and have more face time to talk. And to explore NEW ways to have fun together, both in and out of bed. I want to make having fun and enjoying ourselves with each other a priority. I realize I am a sultry nymph, and bed IS just about my favorite place to be, but lets also do Archery, take photos, do the shopping, and go camping, more road trips as planned, help me build sets, and let me be a part of your life and interests too. I hope you have a good weekend getting centered and taking care of what you need to do darling. Its still about two weeks before I am all done wrapping up the quarter and can settle my life, and mind, and room, and schedule down a bit… I cant wait to do a deep cleaning and purge of outdated things in my room and my life. I have a lot to catch up on during banking hours, but I still want to spend my evenings with you when possible.

I am glad I met you [ name goes here]. I am looking forward to discovering more about ourselves together and our capacities for fun and loving, and good times.

PS Did I mention that I really , really LIKE you?

Love [ me]

rant

Our brains effect our perceptions and expectations. Gender roles and expectations effect the same. We seem to have reached an impossible place in our culture to keep up with these outwardly imposed gender roles and piece-meal way of identifying ourselves and each other in our very limited and limiting world view, the view of the self. How can anyone construct or participate in a successful relationship without breaking free of these prisons? HOW?

more importantly, how do we break free of them and erase the negative messages and programming so prevalent and deemed acceptable by our culture at large? It is an embarrassment in the eyes of the rest of the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBQz921BBlI&feature=related

reading list for 2012

so far:

1) The Vintage Book of Contemporary American Poetry edited by J.D. Mc Clatchy

2) Taking Action for Animals: Newsletter, Issue 3 (Why is cheese so addictive?)

3) Thinking Musically: Experiencing Music, Expressing Culture by Bonnie C. Wade

4) American Society: How It Really Works by Erik Olin Wright and Joel Rogers

What Ive learned so far from each:

1) I am a good enough poet, and lots of contemporary poetry is dark and vague.

2) Dairy, specifically Cheese, is the opiate of the masses, actually effecting us like morphine.

3) thinking vertically vs horizontally..... still reading

4) ideas around basic income, and the media's dangerous distortion of women...

Haiku's in 5.7.5

Restless tree spirit
I am one with your reason
heart song of your promise


Steady rock of winter
singing in songs of laughter
that melt to summer


melting into you
I find inner universe
joyful peace is mine


hard pressed to find peace
it melts over my mindset
in your warm embrace


otters
playful youth spirit
twirling in water filled delight
holds the joy of man


garden
blooming crocus night
capture breezy scent filled flight
with rows of carrots

like soldiers to war
coffers staked against famine
carrot, beans, sweet peas climb

bliss

with my lover, poetry embalms
our together time
like wet dogs licking the
last wily drops
of succulent togetherness


excercise 3

I must relax, succumb
to your caress, the timbre
of your voice ignites a filament
of desire. Lost in the tine
and earnest, pointed texture
of your will, like an iris
to the spring. I am steel.

smoke

Pregnant ash lies empty
on the floor
eyes follow the red spur
of blackbird
soaring in windy delight
as tears drop
from the open sky
of his lies to himself.
He is alone with them to face.

excercises

exercise 1

finding cloud pictures
of snowy laces uncorked
against the bark
of my shoes
I boat the river to
your cup of sweet jelly;
wool against my skin
needling the will of some
other ether filled dream
I hand you your horse.


excercise 2

"show me" she cried
eyes on Manhatten,
starlight spilling over
like a fish jumping.
Ripples cascading into
the dead stump of resistance
he tried to fight it
but the need to rest
crept in like snowflakes
gentle on the lash.


Stray thought:

poetry bursts into my head
the way language rides its irreverent
helicopter of tide
kissing the brow of indifference

up to speed

some of what you
say
whispers at my soul
I flutter
but I've heard
you say it before.

Some of what I
feel
tugs at my reason
I falter
but I am just
watching now.

Some of what I
hope
thrills me nose to toes
I blush
but you don't
seem to notice.

Some of what you
promise
calms a raging rain
I storm
but you seem
rock steady lightening.

poetry weekend

With my lover

we write silly poems

from word games and

made up fantasy's of

moments

caught in one anothers gaze

we laugh, and curl

around each other in

the cold sunshine

a cigarette, a coffee cup

a blanket around our feet.

Shared tokens of

more intimate moments just

inside the door.

Creative Healing

Love comes in many forms.
A few months ago, a big container of beads that I had, upended and dumped itself out on the floor. It was symbolic of the way my life was going at the time and what was yet to come, as all the sizes and colors and types of beads ran everywhere, picking up dirt, pine needles and pet fur... I swept them up and gave the lot to my friend who offered to sort them out for me, a true labor of love. She kept them safe for several months, sorting some of them in her spare time until I could face them myself.

I had begun doing a lot of beading to try to exert some kind of control over a life that felt more like it was living me and controlling my circumstances then the other way round. Beading is tiny, tedious, colorful, creative, and gives a very intricate sense of order and control to the artist in a concrete way that paint cannot. In addition there is an end result to show for the labor involved, Something I was not getting in my last relationship despite my best and most earnest efforts. I lost a lot of my self, and many treasured and expensive possessions to leave that unhealthy scenario. I even gave up my dog. Blessed am I to have so many truly loving friends to see me through rough times.


This quarter, as I heal, I have been examining all of my oldest relationships and how they have impacted my beliefs, choices and more recent relationship outcomes. I moved to another state, and slowly began to round up what was left of the pieces of my life. Pulling together the best of my friends and all their accumulative advice, I began beading with gusto, creating new patterns using finer materials, and developing a better intuitive effectiveness with the tools. I got the bead mess back from my friend and am slowly sifting through the debris, eliminating it from my life. I find as I sort, consider, and contemplate patterns for jewelry pieces, I also sort, consider and contemplate the tiny moments and foundations of my believes around relationships and love.

Love comes in many forms, and often it forms us. As I have examined these places with an open heart, I have come to change many of my views and opinions about myself and others that once seemed set in stone. A man I have always loved inexplicably that always set me aside despite similar feelings, one that smells better to me then any other I have dated. A step mother whom I never felt good enough for and spent my life feeling rejected by. A neglectful father who actually adores me but not in the same love language that I speak. A sister that I never got to know because of her proximity in age to my own grown child. Things in these early relationships have not always been as I have perceived. All of these relationships have evolved to be more positive as I have examined the impact of my own feelings, perceptions and roles in creating them.

Part time lover

What to make of a person who declares their love several times a day, and clearly enjoys your company in their life, but bolts at the very idea of becoming a part of yours or meeting anyone in your sphere of reality. What does one assume about such a person, a self proclaimed hermit.

One, we can safely assume this person like to control things, and to some degree circumstance. Other people are unknowns, and often unpredictable factors that cannot be controlled outside f owns own sphere of influence, or outside of ones home. It is much easier to feel a measure of superiority and influence towards ones guests, then on equal footing or as a guest of someone else.

Two, this person is lonely and does enjoy ones company, and does indeed feel affection and even love for the object of affection, but is clearly incapable of viewing another person as a whole person from the safety of this position. Can the other ever be much more then an appendage or a satellite in this scenario?

Three, There is some history which influences this perception, as long as I am aloof and somewhat cooperative but slightly unattainable, this person adores and is very attentive, allowing me to bask in his presence, and this is what I want to feel in a relationship. But with out becoming a part of MY world, with out meeting my parents or getting to know my life outside of his sphere, it is a one sided relationship, if it is a relationship at all. So what is it?

Basking in adoration is a lot of what I want, a lot of what was missing when I dated the voyeur. Please God, can I rest here and be loved a while? Is this the one you've meant for me all along? Is there truly someone for everyone? Is there someone for me? I am not going to surrender again, but if such a man can run beside me I will consider him. But I do have some required criteria. Can he measure up?

The criteria:

A healthy, emotionally available man with a job, a car, a home, a goal and a direction in life, that totally adores me. As much as I love him,and as easy as it is to be adored I don't feel he meets the criteria even halfway. Funny how after my recent heart break, my life long feelings for him have changed, I still love him, but no longer feel IN LOVE, I no longer want to settle for a man like this not even this man. But our closeness and affection would definitely be an issue or a deterrent to anyone else either of us tried to date.

Returning to Light

I have walked some dark roads. Like Joni says, I seem to be drawn to dark cafe's and ally ways, the rustic, the sombre, the macabre. For all this, I prefer simple people who wear their hearts and their passions on their sleeves, for I have found they are rarely full of guile, malice, or pretense and rarely have the wickedness or desire to harm another for their own gain. As so many more sophisticated and educated men seem prone to. I love intelligence, but when it is accompanied by bitterness, cruelty and a sense of unabashed entitlement it is a huge turn off. So my tastes run complex into the simple.

After some of the roads I have walked in the realm of sex, drugs, rock and roll, I am still drawn to these things like a moth, yet I have a hunger for a gentleness and sense of healthiness that comes from a simple wholesome discipline, a self preservation that includes everyone,a sense of live and let live rather then the standard competitive, kill or be killed mentality so prevalent in those who consider themselves intellectuals. I seek the gentler souls who are harder to find in the spot light.

For all this the duality of my own nature makes me somewhat apprehensive to commit myself to one way of life, to one way of being, or one single other being. I have learned so much the past years. Family is where you go and they have to take you in. Some family is chosen and some is what we are born with. Significant others can make us far less significant to their own agendas then they themselves may be in ours, and that betrayal is a painful place to dwell, and to recover from. I seek the gentle wholesome ways of my priest, and yet hunger for the spotlight as well. The dance my ego longs to do for the applause of the crowd, writhing to keep their eyes on me again and a gain, knowing that when the moment passes, so does my fame and importance.

A song I once wrote comes to mind. And I am reminded that what glitters isn't gold. So I will slowly learn to check my email again and fade out the influence and importance of the man who callously used and hurt me, casting me aside nightly like a dirty shirt. I will learn to keep my balance around the other one, the man boy I have always loved and wished I could impress enough to win. To ignite a sense of passion inside of. I will live my own life and stay as near as he will let me in what ever capacity he desires, because every time I have left his side out of longing for more, I have made a mess of my own life, worse and worse and worse. So now I will stay until something better beckons or he tells me to go. I will be patient this time and allow him to set the tone and the pace of our association, and leave my angst in the music of the night, my longing to the realm of fantasy, and my expectations as unformed and vague as I can.

I will practice my faith in the Divine Right Order of the Universe. Even on the days I don't feel it, and reinforce it on the days I do. Coming home has its advantages. Coming back to the light and wholesomeness of simplicity after the grungy, dirty, world of sinful delights and drama. Like a night in Bangkok.

Learning Curve

The real questions we all have to ask ourselves is WHY am I still single? And, Do I really want a full partner, or just an appendage that can fit into the blanks in my own personal relationship madlib?

In my own case, I am single because of trust. I have been divorced twice, and burned badly by lies. You will have to earn my respect and my trust. I am sorry, but there it is. The truth is that not many people I have met the last few years seem to have actual “partnership potential”. I have learned the hard way that with out that, I am much better on my own. I already have plenty of friends.

Seeking a grown up man, with partnership potential:

An emotionally available guy, with a good job, a working vehicle, and healthy friendships of his own. He has the ability to consistently demonstrate a sense of honesty, integrity, and loyalty. A man that has discipline and compassion, realistic goals, room in his life to grow into a real and healthy relationship with a loving woman, and the ability and desire to openly and effectively communicate with a real partner. Not addicted to, or overly dependent on behaviors, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

-in other words, a healthy, handsome guy that is not a emotionally stunted or a sociopath- funny, isn't that what every woman wants? So why is it so hard to find? I have met a lot of guys that seem pretty good at appearing to be like this, but who seem to have dark little secrets that prevent them from upholding several pieces of this puzzle, Is it really so much to ask?

So now I find I am caught between a man I have run from, that possessed me with a passion unlike any I have known, Neal held me down and defined me, expecting me to fit into his projected ideal. But there is another man I have always loved with calm, loving compassion that both fills and frees me to be all of who I am. So one man held me tight while constantly rejecting me, making me feel I was never enough, never quite right enough to warrant approval, until I fled, and I am still cutting my loses and licking my wounds, unclear how to proceed without cutting him out of my existence, and praying a lot.

Another man holds me in his arms, tells me several times a day how much he loves me, spoons me, and tells me how adorable I am to him, yet won't commit to the definition of relationship between us. I let Kevin hold me, kiss my forehead, and whisper sweet nothings, I allow his affections but am careful not to match or return them with anything resembling ardor. I am careful to allow him to shower me with affection, but not to expect anything at all, or any kind of meaning. We have a history, I know he has a passionate side and that I could and do love him totally, but he has rejected me more then once when we've started attempting to define what we have, so it seems my best bet is to not do anything sudden or defining.

Yet I am left wondering if either of these relationships are reciprocal. The first certainly was not which is what made me leave. But the second? Just because I do not respond from a place of over the top 100% of what I am used to, does not mean I do not respond at all, or do not feel an equal affection as is shown to me. A part of me chose to come here and to be in the life of this man in what ever way he will have me, be it platonic, priestly or passion filled. But does he meet my criteria? Will an association with him, keep me from meeting or having an opportunity to connect with the man that will meet my criteria?

All Kinds

Reciprocal relationships come in many sizes and shapes. In a love affair there must be reciprocal respect or trust fails, and with out trust there can be no love. We can love the person, but the relationship itself can become bad or unhealthy, and we have nothing worth fighting for except ourselves.

“The greatest thing we will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” -Moulin Rouge. And it is true. All types of relationships require respect and reciprocity to work well. Friendships work because this is clear cut, but our relationships with relatives are often stormier when this is not such an obvious or well defined component of them. Is it any wonder that our love affairs become cloudy and complicated if our other relationships are damaged, non-existent or overly interdependent.

Reciprocity and mutual respect are very different qualities from co-dependance or inappropriate interdependence. A good friend and psychology major, who enjoys a poly-amorous lifestyle of relationships suggested listing what makes friendships good. And to then apply those important aspects and criteria to my future relationship potential.`

Response to a dating website

Have you ever noticed the arc of relationships? like the enchantment phase, the sex phase, the serious phase, then the baggage phase where you almost hate each other... this is where most people break up, but if they don't, they get through it to the reality phase and they like each other again in a much deeper more meaningful way. That is the REAL thing.

You cant rush it, or bypass the hurdles, or jump forward to instant deep intimacy, but this is the very best phase I think... the best friends and lovers part, that we all SAY we want to get to. And like it or not, only a commitment through the rough part gets us there. If someone breaks up in the rough part then the commitment was pretty pointless, because no one needs a commitment to hang together when its ALL fun and games.

So WHY are we all single again or still?