what are the odds?

What are the Odds? What are the Odds of two sisters each being in a long term relationship with a man that that longs to be a woman? What are the odds, that both of them keep their partners secret for a period of decades, and never even know what the other is going through? Until one day when both MTF identities break out of the closet with in two years of each other...

This is my life. Stranger then Fiction. I couldn't make this shit up. The ins and outs of the details are irrelevant, MTF trans populations have a lot of literature available to support them, and to tell the typical progression of events and psychology in the journey. But this is about the survivors and the innocent bystanders of the havoc. The supportive, women used up and left behind.

I got over it, renewed our friendship and moved on with my life with a lot of help, support, counseling, medications, and new interests. I even starting dating after a few years, and eventually tried to love and trust again. I am baffled as to the meaning of anything in my life, let alone these strange series of relationships.

As a forty something woman, coming out of a bad love affair after two failed marriages, I am jaded, lonely and very suspicious of anyone eligible that is in my age range. “WHY are you single” I think to myself, because everyone knows that men of a certain age that are still single, are single for a reason. They are jerks, sociopaths, cheaters, gay, or asexual. “What did you do that makes you unworthy of any other woman at this point and why should I get the dregs”?

Some women are fine being single. My sister is excited to live alone, and once upon a time I was too, but now I just want the safety, comfort and security of the right man to snuggle up with at night, share my secret thoughts and fantasies with, and to nurture a real trust with. I don't see that happening for me anymore, I no longer see it as a possibility in my life, so I am left to consider the back up plans.

Travel, fast cars, and teasing younger men, generally keeping relationships at bay. Not at all honorable, but safer for me. This is my consolation prize. The untouchable, unattainable diva, the one everyone wants, but can't quite get. The one the hypocrites chase until and unless they actually get her. I know this role well. But it breaks the hearts of good men, and won't be captured. I just don't seem to do that well. This is the thing I have learned from my last failed love affair. I may long for a genuine companion, and a champion, but a cage, however pretty is still just a cage. And I must be free to fly or I suffocate it all.

This is not what I want for myself, but I am old enough to see the patterns, and recognize the signs and truths of these facts. I am a romantic, but I want the romance and ongoing interaction with out the fear, or mundane expectations. I want to maintain the place of perpetual reciprocity in my interactions with others.