3 people in a studio apartment

Here it is, 3 adults and two cats crammed into a studio. Sleeping on the floor, sharing resources, humor, cigarettes and stories of encouragement. The economy has effected everyone but the upside of this seemingly cramped up reality is a makeshift family of support. They don't have much, but tend to share benevolently what they do have. Living so frugally and in such small quarters allows more shared amenities like internet and tasty meals. Only a Television would make the space seem small, but they do with out.

There is a story here that three highly intelligent and somewhat educated people find themselves in such a situation. First there is "Douglas", a student and forty something man with acetic tendencies who prefers the uncomplicated life of simplicity to one of material trophies. Something of a hermit he opens his heart and home to friends in need. The rent and bills are paid from his rather meager resources of financial aide. He has lived here on his own for several years. He opened his doors and floor space to friends in need.

"Joe" is a thirty something man moved back to his home town after a long term relationship that broke down caused him to head for home to reevaluate his own values and place in the world. His sister could not have him underfoot since her roommates objected so Douglas took him in. Something of an upper middle class childhood has given him something of a sense of entitlement but he is a compassionate and well meaning man. He has a good job (now) but something of an alcoholic he has no head for money, or saving or moving himself on from the lap of friendship and sense of family he has found. Making more money in two weeks, then the other two put together in a month, Joe is perpetually broke, but good natured with a gregarious and infectious laugh.

At last there is "Tara". The newest addition to this scenario. A forty something student and empty-nester, longing for connection and the satisfaction of family and someone to look after from time to time. Tara moved “home” looking for new horizons after two divorces and a failed attempt at defining herself by someone else's criteria. She decided to surrender to a lifelong affection and sense of devotion to Douglas -regardless of the scope of that relationship- And didnt want to be stuck with her parents. She works at a job that she is extremely overqualified for and severely underpaid at. She buys and cooks most of the food, and is content with her boys.

All enjoy the realm of intellect and compassion' f friendship over material commodities, and of humor, shared experience and of facing the hurdles of life with like minded individuals. But still, I cannot think of any other roommate situation I have seen that has flowed so smoothly nor been as close nit or satisfying in itself to the individuals. Perhaps it is the long standing admiration, respect and deep love the others feel for Douglas, and the geeky humor that connects them in Joe's quick wit and friendly banter. But more then anything it seems to be about reciprocal respect.

Its a sense of open communication, honesty and voluntary reciprocity. As a group, all 3 huddle on the tiny excuse for a front porch to smoke cigarettes together because of genuine enjoyment of one another's company. Privacy would appear to be lacking but is replaced with genuine regard and holistic respect. An entirely new experience for most of them, there is an air of gratitude and casual, happy acceptance of what to many people would be an inconceivable imposition or hardship.

So there it is 3 people making it work in a studio apartment, turning what appears to be hardship into a blessing and person choice regardless of how it might seem to those looking in.

Happiness

What does happiness look like?

For me its a fulfilling romantic relationship with a man I have always loved. A deep friendship based on respect, and a natural reciprocity.

paradigm shifts

perspective colors everything about our experience and our expectations...

http://www.povertybridge.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=51%3Aportlandopcon

go Dr. Donna Beegle!!

Third of 3 poems

Here I am, alone with myself

like and old friend, wanting only

our other companion

our friend and lover to laugh with

to sit in silence, and hold hands

to kiss and mingle and soothe and feed,

to shine for and lavish it all back

surely I must step away and

allow you some space to fill the well

now and then. Surely.

but any other company is only second best.

-Except my own, and I grow restless.

what are the odds?

What are the Odds? What are the Odds of two sisters each being in a long term relationship with a man that that longs to be a woman? What are the odds, that both of them keep their partners secret for a period of decades, and never even know what the other is going through? Until one day when both MTF identities break out of the closet with in two years of each other...

This is my life. Stranger then Fiction. I couldn't make this shit up. The ins and outs of the details are irrelevant, MTF trans populations have a lot of literature available to support them, and to tell the typical progression of events and psychology in the journey. But this is about the survivors and the innocent bystanders of the havoc. The supportive, women used up and left behind.

I got over it, renewed our friendship and moved on with my life with a lot of help, support, counseling, medications, and new interests. I even starting dating after a few years, and eventually tried to love and trust again. I am baffled as to the meaning of anything in my life, let alone these strange series of relationships.

As a forty something woman, coming out of a bad love affair after two failed marriages, I am jaded, lonely and very suspicious of anyone eligible that is in my age range. “WHY are you single” I think to myself, because everyone knows that men of a certain age that are still single, are single for a reason. They are jerks, sociopaths, cheaters, gay, or asexual. “What did you do that makes you unworthy of any other woman at this point and why should I get the dregs”?

Some women are fine being single. My sister is excited to live alone, and once upon a time I was too, but now I just want the safety, comfort and security of the right man to snuggle up with at night, share my secret thoughts and fantasies with, and to nurture a real trust with. I don't see that happening for me anymore, I no longer see it as a possibility in my life, so I am left to consider the back up plans.

Travel, fast cars, and teasing younger men, generally keeping relationships at bay. Not at all honorable, but safer for me. This is my consolation prize. The untouchable, unattainable diva, the one everyone wants, but can't quite get. The one the hypocrites chase until and unless they actually get her. I know this role well. But it breaks the hearts of good men, and won't be captured. I just don't seem to do that well. This is the thing I have learned from my last failed love affair. I may long for a genuine companion, and a champion, but a cage, however pretty is still just a cage. And I must be free to fly or I suffocate it all.

This is not what I want for myself, but I am old enough to see the patterns, and recognize the signs and truths of these facts. I am a romantic, but I want the romance and ongoing interaction with out the fear, or mundane expectations. I want to maintain the place of perpetual reciprocity in my interactions with others.

why are they/we single?

The real question we all have to ask ourselves is WHY am I still single? If I really want a partner, or just an appendage that can fit into the blanks in my own personal relationship madlib. I am single because of trust. I have been divorced twice, and burned badly by lies. I start out not trusting and you will have to earn my respect and my trust. I am sorry, but there it is.

The truth is that not many people I have met the last few years seem to have actual “partnership potential”. I have learned the hard way that with out it I am much better on my own. I already have plenty of friends.

Seeking:

An emotionally available guy, with a good job, a working vehicle, and healthy friendships of his own. He has the ability to consistently demonstrate a sense of honesty, integrity, and loyalty. A man that has discipline and compassion, realistic goals, room in his life to grow into a real and healthy relationship with a loving woman, and the ability and desire to openly and effectively communicate with a real partner. Not addicted to, or overly dependent on behaviors, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.

-in other words, a healthy, handsome guy that is not a emotionally stunted or a sociopath- funny, isn't that what every woman wants?

No. I am not angry, a little disillusioned and jaded perhaps, but not really angry. I just know what I am and am not willing to put up with. Please just take my word for it and don't test me, I am not your mama.

old love letters

I found this old letter to a then new lover. It should have been my warning, people don't change that much. we never did get out of this pattern. Live and Learn.

Hi sweetheart,

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I am bored and a little depressed. I think I need some major down time and relaxed, no pressure FUN. I would really like that to be with you somehow… to explore.

It sort of seems like we’ve already gotten into a less then positive pattern together. We handle problems real well. But that has never been MY relationship weak point. I am very familiar with coping, and treading water, and handling crisis and problem solving. That feels so co-dependent and forgive me for saying it but sort of doomed for failure. It’s having fun that is hard for me. It’s settling down together after and between problems that I don’t have much practice in. Just being together, in pure Joy, in the moment and digging it that I want more practice at. With NO external demands. (At least once a week for a day or so), to learn how to BE with ourselves and each other while doing our own thing sometimes too. Just grooving, without agenda’s, pretense, OR stress. J

It is a hard thing because so far our relationship and time together has been built on handling crisis. We got together while your Dad was dying. We talked about it and both knew better, but couldn’t help ourselves. (talk about self-control, don’t be so charming sparky)Then the crisis with my roommate, then my kid, then your job, then your kids, and now I am in finals. This is all so stupid. And now we are at the turning point. Two months.

What we do next and how we choose to handle this transitional point will determine where we go from here. I don’t know about you, but I am a little nervous, and a lot nostalgic, and very much taking stock of myself, and where I’ve been and what I might really want from this point.

I want to be more intentional, and have more face time to talk. And to explore NEW ways to have fun together, both in and out of bed. I want to make having fun and enjoying ourselves with each other a priority. I realize I am a sultry nymph, and bed IS just about my favorite place to be, but lets also do Archery, take photos, do the shopping, and go camping, more road trips as planned, help me build sets, and let me be a part of your life and interests too. I hope you have a good weekend getting centered and taking care of what you need to do darling. Its still about two weeks before I am all done wrapping up the quarter and can settle my life, and mind, and room, and schedule down a bit… I cant wait to do a deep cleaning and purge of outdated things in my room and my life. I have a lot to catch up on during banking hours, but I still want to spend my evenings with you when possible.

I am glad I met you [ name goes here]. I am looking forward to discovering more about ourselves together and our capacities for fun and loving, and good times.

PS Did I mention that I really , really LIKE you?

Love [ me]

rant

Our brains effect our perceptions and expectations. Gender roles and expectations effect the same. We seem to have reached an impossible place in our culture to keep up with these outwardly imposed gender roles and piece-meal way of identifying ourselves and each other in our very limited and limiting world view, the view of the self. How can anyone construct or participate in a successful relationship without breaking free of these prisons? HOW?

more importantly, how do we break free of them and erase the negative messages and programming so prevalent and deemed acceptable by our culture at large? It is an embarrassment in the eyes of the rest of the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBQz921BBlI&feature=related

reading list for 2012

so far:

1) The Vintage Book of Contemporary American Poetry edited by J.D. Mc Clatchy

2) Taking Action for Animals: Newsletter, Issue 3 (Why is cheese so addictive?)

3) Thinking Musically: Experiencing Music, Expressing Culture by Bonnie C. Wade

4) American Society: How It Really Works by Erik Olin Wright and Joel Rogers

What Ive learned so far from each:

1) I am a good enough poet, and lots of contemporary poetry is dark and vague.

2) Dairy, specifically Cheese, is the opiate of the masses, actually effecting us like morphine.

3) thinking vertically vs horizontally..... still reading

4) ideas around basic income, and the media's dangerous distortion of women...

Haiku's in 5.7.5

Restless tree spirit
I am one with your reason
heart song of your promise


Steady rock of winter
singing in songs of laughter
that melt to summer


melting into you
I find inner universe
joyful peace is mine


hard pressed to find peace
it melts over my mindset
in your warm embrace


otters
playful youth spirit
twirling in water filled delight
holds the joy of man


garden
blooming crocus night
capture breezy scent filled flight
with rows of carrots

like soldiers to war
coffers staked against famine
carrot, beans, sweet peas climb

bliss

with my lover, poetry embalms
our together time
like wet dogs licking the
last wily drops
of succulent togetherness


excercise 3

I must relax, succumb
to your caress, the timbre
of your voice ignites a filament
of desire. Lost in the tine
and earnest, pointed texture
of your will, like an iris
to the spring. I am steel.

smoke

Pregnant ash lies empty
on the floor
eyes follow the red spur
of blackbird
soaring in windy delight
as tears drop
from the open sky
of his lies to himself.
He is alone with them to face.

excercises

exercise 1

finding cloud pictures
of snowy laces uncorked
against the bark
of my shoes
I boat the river to
your cup of sweet jelly;
wool against my skin
needling the will of some
other ether filled dream
I hand you your horse.


excercise 2

"show me" she cried
eyes on Manhatten,
starlight spilling over
like a fish jumping.
Ripples cascading into
the dead stump of resistance
he tried to fight it
but the need to rest
crept in like snowflakes
gentle on the lash.


Stray thought:

poetry bursts into my head
the way language rides its irreverent
helicopter of tide
kissing the brow of indifference

up to speed

some of what you
say
whispers at my soul
I flutter
but I've heard
you say it before.

Some of what I
feel
tugs at my reason
I falter
but I am just
watching now.

Some of what I
hope
thrills me nose to toes
I blush
but you don't
seem to notice.

Some of what you
promise
calms a raging rain
I storm
but you seem
rock steady lightening.

poetry weekend

With my lover

we write silly poems

from word games and

made up fantasy's of

moments

caught in one anothers gaze

we laugh, and curl

around each other in

the cold sunshine

a cigarette, a coffee cup

a blanket around our feet.

Shared tokens of

more intimate moments just

inside the door.