pissed off and battle scarred

I am angry. Its partly my own fault because I know better, but its partly the media and modern society and what mass consciousness deems acceptable treatment and representation of women and girls.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what it looks like, or tastes like or feels like, I only know that I don't know, and that makes me angry. How can we get or create what we want in life when we don't know what that is or what it might look like?

We end up in the precarious positioning of trial and error. depending on the situation this can be grossly unfair to ourselves and our partners, but what can possibly be done about it? Self examination and introspection only go so far. Journaling, therapy, self help books, womens, weekends, classes in spirituality, assertiveness, and shamanism are wonderful tools, but with out a direct role model our lives are at the mercy of our most powerful and direct influence. Our immediate family, friends and to our detriment, the media, our cultures common unifying voice, that runs behind all of our other spheres of perception and influence, right or wrong.

With trial and error, we begin to at least identify what we do NOT want, or are not willing to tolerate or feed, but it can be a long perilous journey, especially for those who have never had the time, resources or guidance to learn introspective techniques. If I am at this much of a loss with all I have been through and all the assistance and resources I have been privileged enough to access, then what becomes of the majority of people who have not had these opportunities? They are even more at the mercy of the media, and even less aware that there is any thing wrong with this picture!

so what do I want? a kind, emotionally present lover who values and adores me and is capable of intimacy. A journey we will have to travel together.

What does intimacy look like? Its probably different for every couple but somewhere in that scenario is a lot of vulnerability and microscopic honesty with ones self and ones partner. A willingness to risk being truely seen and even judged, by another whom we admire and adore. A willingness and follow through to prioritize our commitment to anothers wellbeing and happiness as much as our own. A willingness to honor the vulnerability of the other as we want our own to be handled with care, a willingness to sometimes be wrong, and to admit it, and to be gentle when telling our partner they are wrong about something.

We cannot do it or choose for the other, only for our selves, and that leaves us vulnerable at the very start. Finding someone who is truly willing is the first step, and in a media induced and enforced world of pretenders and players, sincerity is rare. all we can do is play nice, play fair, try to find the balance between protecting ourselves and trusting another. It takes time. nd there is no substitute for time. so instead we distract ourselves with details and nitpicking. But that is a choice.