Taken for granted

How does it happen? Do we just slip further and further into a state of obligated servitude? Do we crumble our will before internally imposed expectations of behavior? Perhaps its an adaptation of protocols we absorb from television or romantic movies.

I tend to dismiss most of these ideas right away, as I am a mostly free thinking individual. but I am a child of my generation, and a product of a consumeristic society regardless. I had an average childhood that constantly indulged or skirted poverty and saw my share of co-dependent relatives. Healthy relationship models were not something I experienced directly.

Two divorces later...
I am jaded. I can ride the bus and see the most unlikely couples, that obviously fit together, but part of me does not believe that is something I can achieve. Part of me wonders how and why it became such a central goal, again messages of our consumeristic society. Either way I find myself in a relationship that I value, and I want to make it work. But there is no script, there is no parameter by which to measure or form my expectations, and there is no model except blundering through and hoping for the best. avoiding old patterns and perceptions and behaviors is like navigating a minefield.

So I find myself waiting to hear the sweet talk that started this tryst. Hungry for the words of admiration and adoration from my lover. For the feel of his strong arms squeezing me and his amazing lips clinging to mine melting my core. The feel of his hands like the first time he touched me, almost worshiping, grateful, and so lingering. But he feels crowded and doesn't like it to be an expectation. He works a lot and is gone even more, and I am lonely, filling my time with trivialities, friends, school and my own work.

I do to much for him. I wash his coffee cups and pack his lunch. I make creative and interesting dinners because we are broke and I know how to make something of nothing. I want to keep the stress off him however I can. I keep the house and do the laundry and pay 1/3 of the rent. I do the majority of the shopping and give him all the sex he wants just to get some sort of affection from him. Oh my god! I am an idiot. I have turned Myself into the mother-whore. No wonder I feel this way!

I need a solution! What can I do to be more at home in our house? what can I do to make the space more conducive and nourishing to me? And how do I stop being a patsy, a door mat a servant and get what I want in my relationships and my life? AAgghhhhh. there are so few models for this. so as usual I will have to forge ahead, blaze the trail, and become a role model. ugh. why can't I just get a road map instead of reinventing the wheel?

My list was simple: a good man that utterly adores me. I do not feel adored, valued or even seen lately. How can I be seen by myself more?