what if?

What if I knew what I wanted in life? in love? inside the bedroom and out? Where I wanted to live? whom I wanted for friends, and what kind of work I wanted to spend my life doing?

its moot. The truth is I have lived through times when I have thought I've known the answers to these questions and I always felt as through I barely survived it. Somehow life seems to lose its sparkle when its all pre-decided and planned out before me, a road stretching before me through the desert of eternity with no curves, no hills, no real significant change in scenery... I feel suffocated just trying to write about it.

The rest of the truth is that I often LIKE not knowing what is down the road or around the next bend. The act of exploration, and the process of discovery are experiences one does not get to engage when ones world is to ordered, to paved, and sanitized for our protection. So I set myself on these quests of discovery, carving adventures out of real life and sometimes, nay so far its been every time, my loneliness is only heightened as I realize I am alone in a sea of thrill seeking nine to fivers. Those individuals that appear to take the road less traveled so they seem edgy or rebellious to their families and coworkers, but who fear any one or anything not under their own careful blanket of controlled illusion. They always put me in a cage, a trophy, a prize to prove how freaky they are.

I am an innocent and I can blindly blunder into some pretty steep territory. But I am not naive. Once I find myself there I am usually fully aware of the dangers, the snakes in the gutter and the pimps on the corner, and can hold my own till I slowly and intentionally saunter on outta there. Chin up, stut in high gear, handing out free smokes as I go. Yet another skill set that may have saved my life and virtue more then once, and has led to countless stories of adventure, but hasn't served in bringing me anything tangible for life in this world of fakery and meglomania.

What if I knew what I wanted? I don't have the answers. I don't really think that anyone does indefinitely. Although some are lucky enough to know what they want in the moment of now and how to implement a plan to bring it about, with some sense of certainty and control... Maybe I am jaded, but I tend to believe these people are just fooling themselves. A grown up, and acceptable version of self soothing.

Throw the pacifier away!! Call it tobacco, television, cannabis or booze. The only thing that eases our pain and isolation and the need for these self indulgent numbing agents and pain killers is true connection with another person, someone who can actually SEE us and still accepts us, something all these replacements often continue to isolate us from achieving, or from keeping if we are lucky enough to find it.

Not me, I stand out in the middle of the parking lot in the rain, 2 o clock in the morning when we all have to work the next day. My arms raised and my voice breaking on the wonder and beauty of being alive, and of experiencing everything life has to offer me in that moment, I'm not even drinking tonight, emotions high with the ecstacy of the moment but the wind howling higher. Maybe all the neighbors start staring and my partner gets angry at me for -in his mind- airing our dirty laundry (some minor and already forgotten argument perhaps) in public, when really I probably just saw a meteorite on my way home that brought tears to my eyes with its naked, unadulterated purity, and I had to stop the presses and celebrate being alive.

I am a dying breed. A true free spirit, a gypsy souled beauty with a need for a whole life filled with authentic moments, intimate conversations and sensual pleasures, like some people need a big bank account or a really nice car. I am ultimately alone, rarey, really understood until my trust is broken. My love is never ending but, not my devotion. My soul hungers for another to run beside me, one who neither condemns me for my farsighted understanding of humanities frailties and its pain, nor pushes me past my own better judgement or intuitive sense of how to heal it. One that does not put me in a cage -however pretty, but doesn't hide from me or lose me either.

It is true, I give to much, I love to easily and I forgive from the depths of my soul. I want, and long for, and secretly hope I am not the only one, but at my age, experience has taught me well. Everyone has the best of intentions but old habits die hard, no matter who they hurt. So I try to turn it outward. I still watch my heart break almost everyday over something or someone I couldn't help, or reach or soothe somehow. Every night I stoke the fires of sincerity and confidence with the fodder of my loneliness and fears, so I can do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I do believe in miracles. I myself have benefited from them in impossible circumstances time and again.

Some people criticize and try to change me, whether from some misplaced sense of chivalry and protection' or their own limited understanding of ultimate reality. Some call me a fool, or a flibbertigibbet, and can't be bothered with the likes of me, Although I think they doth protest to much. The truth is they feel more deeply inside themselves under my knowing but loving gaze, and the fear, pain or isolation they have tried so hard to hide or deny angers them... I love them regardless, and try to be gentle with them. They are hurting like the rest of us.

Why should I be any different? The truth is I LIKE who I am. My heart is to soft, but it the best of me -of humanity really- and If we cant add healing, love, truth and beauty to the world and its people who need to believe in themselves again, in each other, in the power of love, what good are we? Dead weight.

So I guess I have what I want, adventure, and a life that touches others in positive ways and helps everyone it touches to grow, sometimes through love and intention, and sometimes unintentionally through shock and anger. I have so very much to be thankful for! I am one of a kind, but another pea in my pod would be encouraging.

Now universe, can I get a healthy dose of true love, deep trust, intimately complex connection, intellectual stimulation, companionship and great sex with that? fries are not required, and batteries are optional. But devotion and respect are mandatory. Cross your fingers for me that my sweetie is the right one, the one that CAN keep me, and learn to connect instead of trying to change who I am or taking me for granted. What if I already have everything I could ever want? what if you do too? Imagine the difference we can make, the world we can make.