Saturday, December 3, 2011

what have I learned?

Justice. Reciprocity.
Without love, life is pretty empty and lonely, to some its almost nothing. Without trust, love is choked to death and lies bleeding on the floor. Apathy kills all possibility of passion and trust dwindles in its wake. If you feel or suspect something strange, or off, or less then fabulous, its probably accurate and true, but its good to have an unbiased soundboard for a reality check.

She loved him. They were both old enough to know better, but decided to roll the dice. He romanced her, seduced her and later even confessed to hypnotizing her to win her over. She gave it her all: money, time, heart, soul, creativity, service and did anything he asked just to try and please him. He quickly stopped respecting her, or doing anything that might have pleased her. He did not seem even remotely concerned with her pleasure, or happiness, but used her body, devotion, affection, and sense of submissive service to comfort and justify his self righteous detachment, and emotional abuse. She crumbled.

In the end, at the hardest time of year, in the dark, and cold, and personal hell pit of empty nest, and past sentiments, he told her to go, knowing she had nothing, and then he even scolder her for that. "You should have saved your money". "You should not have made choices I would not have made"... etc. etc. Scorning her devotion, and withholding any approval at all, and throwing her away in the dead of winter, like refuse, after using her up, the minute the rent rate dropped a bit.

"I have been through worse!" she told herself, and him. "You cant hurt me anymore". He had slowly, methodically cut her out of his affection and the various aspects of the life they had been building together, why should it be different now? Of course the trend was going to continue until it extended to physicality. anyone could have predicted that almost to easily.

She was a smart girl, she should have seen it coming. Part of her did, but it didn't fit with everything she knew and believed about him, and what a "great guy" he was reputed to be, so she turned a blind eye, whistling past the graveyard, throwing herself even harder into her commitment to Be present and work it out.

So now in the dead, dark cold, the little match girl once more finds herself alone, unprepared and shivering, as her life force drains pathetically away; trying to sell her tiny sparks of flame to those who do not honor or value her and what she has to offer. Dreaming about warmth, and family, and the wonderful joy of Christmas dinner, and glowing faces holding hands and singing thier heart songs to one another. It is to late to do it differently now. But what can she do now? can she save herself? She cannot dance in the red shoes from the old women, she cannot recapture what has been lost. She has no home and no direction.

What can she do? Where can she go? She has no money and no sense of self preservation. She has no sense of home except the one she has been banished from. How can she survive this round of winters fury without frost bite in her very heart and soul? How can she make better choices in the future? One cannot be commited while holding oneself back or only stepping up halfway. I need to know the answers. If you have them please let them fly forth from your lips, on the wings of compassion. I must know. I must know NOW. This little match girl is me.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

walking away homesick

It had to be done, and as I argue with myself, my nose is buried in the dirty, tear stained shirts I stole when I left today. I knew I wouldn't sleep with out the smell of him. I will be lucky to sleep at all, even after a string of restless nights, and the prospect of a full days work ahead of me. So I find me, crying myself to sleep, and not for the first time this week. My heart a lump of lead in my throat, my guts twisted into knots, and a chill from the inside that no heater can warm.

I don't ever want to love again; to risk so much of my fragile, hopeful heart, and to desire anyone like this again, the fire in the pants, the never ending butterflies in the stomach, the breathless hunger that catches in the throat; and just knowing I feel this way slams shut the fairytale, and crushes some deep part of my soul. I have been in love with love as long as I can remember, but never have I tasted the breadth of its promise, only the thorns, and wistfulness, the self sacrifice and longing, but never the bloom held in my hand and recognized or celebrated for its truthful essence. The easy, laughing, indulgence of mutually enthralled passion and total trust blended in its heady mix of realistic idealism, and celebration of the lover, returned and fostered with a truly equal partner.

I hope he will miss me as much as I miss him, that he will crave my scent, my touch, my eager upturned mouth demanding ever more of his scant and stingily withheld kisses. I hope his arms will ache from emptiness and long to hold me, and he will wish for the opportunity to stroke my hair and bestow the kisses and caresses, the declarations and sweet talk he has withheld. I fear he will be relieved to be rid of me, will bask in the silent space of my wake and then set about eradicating and finally replacing me with an easier model. Some superficial woman, who doesn't crave the intimacy and connection I seek. Some bimbo who only cares about how things "appear" to everyone else... like he seemed to once he actually got me home.

Maybe I am not right for him. He is so very closed off now with bitterness, guilt and resentment, but for that, he is close to perfect for me, in ways I could not have foreseen, and my cynicism and defeat lie heavy in my heart, caught in my throat as I write, and breathe and pull on the old familiar smock of grief and loneliness. I was alone through two marriages, always just an after thought, the second fiddle to my beloveds true passion. I still don't understand why they both wanted so very much to make me their wife, when they rarely had a moment to devote to me or the health of the relationship itself. That is why I had to leave tonight, I vowed to never settle for second place again, and to many nights crying, and days begging for crumbs of affection or some sign of my importance...

To his credit he has tried. He has risen to the challenge of trying to love me, which is more then I can say for either of my husbands. I don't really want to collect men like trophies, though that may be how it looks to outsiders, and I may play along, perpetuating the misunderstanding, to keep from showing my sappy, vulnerable underbelly. But really, I am a romantic. A silly, little daydreaming girl, waiting for her prince in a world of thieves and snakes and liars. In my life, I went with the wizard, the vagabond, the priest, and even the knight, but none could speak the magick of my soul, although each loved me completely in his own, slightly removed kind of way.

This man, the one I have run away from, was my first Prince, he was and is a prince among men. I truly tell everyone that he is the best man I have ever known, and it is no lie. He is the one that could have unlocked every fairy tale for me if he but wished it himself, if he could defeat his own demons, and decides that it is Me he actually wants, but I cannot decide or do battle for him. All that I can do is wait, and hope and try to carry on, regardless. So I pray, and breathe and tell my self that each moment that passes gets me further away from the awful moment I had to choose, that each moment gets easier, and the minutes creep like hours in the long summer sun.

"oh for a man, if I were a man! For a man can die of battle, but instead I must die a woman, of weeping" (from Shakespeare)

Why did I run? I did not want to. It was very difficult, but our relationship was not fully reciprocal. He was always lost in his demons, and unable to be present or to appreciate me as I long to be cherished, he was shut down and emotionally unavailable. Triggering my anxiety disorder to the point of absolute and constant absurdity; because I have been there before, its sort of been my specialty, and although I cannot bear to part from the one I love, neither could I bear to only be second best, to a man I deeply love and long to stand hand in hand with to face all of life.

I felt like some consolation prize sent to comfort him in his loneliness and despair, but my needs were always secondary or not addressed at all. From sexually, to emotionally, to the errands of the day on most days. I had to go, however painful, rather then condone that continued, emotional abuse, and heartbreaking treatment of being taken for granted. Even when nothing was wrong, he was to busy with one of his friends problems or hobbies to include me or even ask about what I had on my plate; I had to go while I loved him, so I wouldn't grow to resent him one bit more.

Will he come for me someday, will he actually see and love ME enough to prioritize me in his life even a little? To begin to consider my needs to be as valid and important as his own? Its a brilliant wish of hope, but not really likely. They never really do, do they? Does a man really come after a woman he truly loves? (Yet I have seen men follow other women before.) Is any man capable of truly loving beyond his egotistical and biological needs? Or do they just find women who put up with them, and baby them along, day in and day out, a patsy of servitude to make it SEEM to work? Can't I have the fairy tale of one good man that loves ME for myself and is both willing and capable of being fully present and participatory ? Please?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Live and Learn

Sometimes when we are not sure of exactly what we want, we first have to learn what we don't want. Thus the term "Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."

My perfect partner is capable of and willing to develop and nurture true intimacy and communication. I have not seen much of that in humanity, and even less in men, yet I continue to see evidence that they are out there. He is educated, responsible and has a full time job and a sense of purpose on the planet. But makes time in his life for relationships, fun, and romance. He is compassionate towards others, and cares about the well being of others including me, as much as himself. He is chivalrous, but not at all chauvinistic.

He has a variety of interests and healthy hobbies, and is happy to share them with me when I show an interest as well. He enjoys taking me places I have never been before. He never tires of pleasing and impressing me. He loves my shyness and my sense of adventure and enjoys indulging it in every way. Even after the "honey moon phase." I feel very valued, seen, and special to him and he loves knowing that. And loves and values the ways I spoil and strive to please him in return.

He takes steps to maintain good health and is not a smoker. He is not a stoner, or drug addict. He has a healthy, balanced "take it or leave it" attitude towards technology, sports, and drinking. He does not gamble and respects nature and wildlife. He enjoys and respects me for who I am and does not hesitate to tell me the things he loves about me. He genuinely likes my company.

He likes to talk to me, and share his real self, and inner thoughts and feelings so I can truly know him. I never have to beg for affection, because he loves me deeply, and loves kissing me. We make out all the time. He makes the time to make love leisurely and thoroughly and makes my pleasure more important then his own. He is not bored, worn out, or used up sexually, and is excited to share that part of our relationship with me specifically. He frequently steps outside himself to ensure that I am always having a good time no matter where we go, or what we are doing.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Reciprocation. Reciprocity. Balance.

Reciprocation. reciprocity. balance. give and take. it does not always come in the forms we are expecting that it should, but that hardly means that it does not exist. Merely that our untrained eye has not learned to recognize all the forms it may exist in.

We have decided to keep the dog. Is that a relationship that is based on the components of justice and reciprocity? absolutely. is it a lot of work? yes.

There is a little beatnik cafe on campus that I like to frequent to write and stare out at the trees. A place I can indulge strong, badly made coffee, with vegetarian home style food. It feeds my inner poet. Would I tell them they are beatniks in this day and age? absolutely not. even though the students around me engage one another in existential conversations, while sporting edgy haircuts and long scarves with tall boots or balding no-sock-sneakers with quirky hats. Is this reciprocal relationship?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

power of touch

love language. Everyone has a different love language, how they express affection and emotion, and what they need to feel love and affection from others.

Some people express themselves with sweet talk, compliments, and words of love and admiration. Others express their affections with gifts and tokens and trinkets to their beloved. From material luxuries to flowers, to more practical and mundane seeming gifts, it is their way of showing they care. Still others show their feelings with service, doing things like favors, errands and tasks for the ones they love. This person will fix things that are broken, and go out of their way to find a particular item, or reinstall software on ones computer, taking loads of time to do tedious tasks. But still others need more direct interaction, companionship, shared humor and a sense of mutual intellectual stimulation and reaction to feel bonded.

Some people need an open door to verbally process every thought and emotion with thier companions , friends and beloved, while others need space and quiet mental distance, or intense privacy and extending this same courtesy is their way of showing love and respect. Still others need quiet contact, little touches, and caresses, they are sensory and need to feel the hands and body heat of others to feel connected, to express affection, and to share their love. We are all different, and while most of us are some combination of these and other styles, finding a partner that has the exact same love language is rare.

This is often a complex and overlooked aspect of relationships. But a very important one. Vital I would say. Partners with different love languages may both be doing everything THEY feel expresses love and devotion, and completely miss the other persons ques and signals for the same thing. With out an understanding about each others primary love language and an effort to identify and learn the primary language of the beloved, each person may feel neglected, empty and resentful. A sense of being alone in their intimate relationship, and that their lover is removed or indifferent can destroy any good sentiment.

While we are each very different, touch is a powerful component to affection for most of us, but not everyone. I have dated more then one man for whom touch is strictly reserved for sexual gratification and any other kind of touch or physical contact is almost non-existent. Perhaps this is a "man thing", and the psychology and obvious lack of closeness this suggests, seems lacking and broken to me, and is heart wrenching. But they feel that they are fine as they are and call me clingy. (Incidentally I have also dated men that are far more "clingy" then I).

Still, as a massage therapist and someone who has dedicated my life to sharing safe, positive, non sexual touch, and educating people about the importance of touch and physical expression of compassion, it is a huge hurdle to be in relationship with someone who is NOT touch oriented. Babies die with out touch. Human beings need contact with each other. 8 to 14 hugs a day is considered necessary for good mental and emotional health and well being. This is far more then most of us experience, but I have to think that if we all had this the entire world would be a calmer, happier, safer place, just due to the endorphins and physiological effects that touch produces in the mind and body. Can you imagine it?

Safe, positive touch should be part of everyone's love language in my opinion, for the physiological benefits alone, but the most important thing is that each participant in a relationship feels a sense of reciprocal respect. That they are loved, valued, appreciated, and that their beloved feels the same. Ultimately it is the responsibility of all participants to create a mutually conducive atmosphere of love and loving. This requires openness, communication and willingness to expand ones own language and learn additional forms of expression and interpretation. Unfortunately we cannot make this choice for another, and cannot do it indefinitely alone.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

giving up & starting over

You just don't reach 40 something, as a single person with out dragging some baggage. I think when a person finds themselves at this crossroads a certain amount of self assessment is very necessary. Not everyone is cut out for intimate relationships, despite the fact that our society and culture tells us that this is what we are "supposed" to want, do and have. With out the actual Capacity for intimacy no real relationship with another person will be possible or successful.

What is success? Many feel that a relationship that has ended is a relationship that has failed, but that is not always the case. In time, all things end, and we take the gifts and lessons we have learned and hopefully we have changed and grown into a deeper understanding of ourselves as well as humanity and relationships. If we are lucky we heal our wounds instead of becoming bitter or resentful and suspicious, and move forward at least holding the keys to our own baggage if we must drag it in our wake. And sometimes, after a period of integration and processing, a relationship can renew itself and its participants and begin anew with freshness and vitality. Ebb and flow is a natural phenomenon in the cycle of life and death and renewal.

We are a complex species with intellectual knowledge, and the power of conscious thought combined with education, information, and the freedom of choice. And for all our longing, yearning, questioning and fantasy about a significant other, and the ultimate companion, we must each face the truth that we are born alone and will die alone. And while relationships and other people are the most significant thing we can give our lives to, it is a painful journey if undertaken with expectations of anyone other then ourselves. People, men and women both, get some very definitave messages about themselves and each other, and their personal identities that create a lot of problems we spend out lives sorting out. While there was a time when strict gender role identities were a significant part of survival, we have mostly evolved past the need for such hard limitations on our person hood and planetary coexistence.

This becomes even more complex if a person is able to realize they do not resonate with these messages and that they in fact might be gay, or trans, or asexual. The punishment one experiences from society and their own psyches for going against the Normal and perpetuated status quo creates issues and problems for everyone that should not have to happen. But all of that aside, just being a hetro sexual that is 40 and single and hoping to find a real connection with another human being is a difficult thing. By this time we are less flexible, less open minded and less willing to adapt ourselves or our lives for the sake of someone else's comfort or well being. By this time we have been hurt and have regrets. We may be jaded, cynical, and untrusting, with little or no motivation to "fix" or heal this condition, or indeed even see anything wrong with it. Our defense mechanisms are at an all time high, and our capacity for true intimacy is greatly diminished from what it once might have been.

Although these statements are utterly preposterous, it is mind boggeling how many of us internalize and actually live by these kinds of messages in daily life and expression and decisions. "Women are the nurturers." "Men don't talk about feelings." "Women are hormonal and emotional." "Men don't cry." "Women are angels or tramps". "A good woman thinks only of others, never herself." "A good man has to be the provider." "Men are never soft or vulnerable." "Women are the weaker sex." "All men are children". "All woman are crazy" "men don't express their emotions." "Women are not logical." ... all of these messages are a part of mainstream society and our daily thinking and belief systems, and ALL of them are preposterous and extremely damaging to our collective psyches. So, what can we do about it? How can we begin to change these ideas for ourselves and our children and the betterment of the world.

http://thisibelieve.org/essay/45586/

Sunday, October 23, 2011

All things end

"Reece" and "Byron" had been together forever. Well that is how it seemed to most of us. I myself had been married and divorced twice, and raised a child in the time they were still going strong, living the dream. When she came to see me the other day and said they were breaking up I was floored. She had been my model for how to make it work.

They were both fiercely independent loners, and had no children. I was closer to them then most and had watched as they lived the dream in their twenties traveling around in a big converted bus. And in their thirties, when she realized he was never gonna want children and that she had to make a choice. They lived "off the grid for a few years while she got her Bachelor of Arts and secured her dream job. In their forties they had saved for several years and bought an adorable three bedroom house in a prime location just before the economy collapsed around us all.

I was partially responsible for introducing them, and our old group of friends had all looked to them for an example of how to be happy, healthy, loving, long term partners. They were the last of the old group still together, the rest of us had wandered away in search of ourselves and fairer weather. Once, about a year ago, I had asked Byron how they did it, how they made it work and stayed happy and together for so long. He sort of started, and said in all seriousness "Its all Reece. She's amazing." I knew it seemed like she did everything in their relationship, but I figured there is always the side of things one doesn't see between two people.

Her amazing patience, and tolerance and ability to detach and let go of his moodiness and distance was awe inspiring. Her little way of sighing and laughing with a somber little smile when I asked her anything about the two of them and making it work, led me to believe that perhaps I had unrealistic expectations of men and relationships. It wasn't out of the question. After all, our culture does not provide us with realistic positive examples of men or of women. Sitcoms are filled with snide and sarcasm, and dramas are emotionally distant from real loving between couples, seeming to center around work relationships instead.

There is no workable model. Old world relationships seem based on strong gender roles that leave both people unfulfilled and women feeling empty and taken for granted. And the men of my own generation all seem like broken, overgrown children, waiting for mommy to clean up after them, and make them cozy, while they fantasize about threesomes with porn stars. It is easy to see why so many people are queer, NOT that I think its really a choice, but the clean slate of less rigid rules and expectations would seem easier. I know it is not. As my own daughter said: "All relationships end, and everyone has dirty laundry. If you're gonna have sex, you will have to wash the sheets."

Relationships are complicated no matter how you look at them. If we are in one we seem to want to change it. If we are outside of one we seem to think we can tolerate anything for the right other, just to not have to face eternity alone.We want a lot from our relationships these days and its got me wondering if arranged marriages might not be healthier and more realistic. True partnerships based on communication, respect, politeness and discreet love affairs. Why make sex a part of that?

Because in today's world we want more. We want the freedom to choose who we love, and who we marry or spend our lives with. We want a lover, and a best friend. We want passion and kindness, we want someone who will make up for how our parents didn't treat us right, but uphold all the ways in which they did. We want EROS and AGAPE. We want a companion, and a confidant and a sexually exciting human plaything. Perhaps we are all unrealistic and delusional. Yet our society and culture reinforces this desire in each of us, constantly searching for that one person who can complete us.

The truth is no one can fill that void. Once we've been through some stuff, and had a few relationships fail, we begin to realize this. Even without being particularly introspective of completing years of therapy most of us are aware. Yet we are compulsive and occasionally obsessive and continue to seek it on some level anyway. Sometimes I wish I did like women so I wouldn't have to face being let down by men. Even if my expectations are unrealistic how can I change that? How can I find that one other person on the same wavelength in the vast sea of modern stress and coping in which our country is swimming?

I realize that its time to reassess what I want, what I can give, and where to draw the boundary lines that protect and nurture myself, because I have begun to wonder if any of us is really cut out for a healthy, loving relationship that lasts. If romantic relationships are even meant to last or just a part of the biological mating dance. Most people say their kids are the loves of their life. I can't argue with that, but who wants to only ever be second best to someone? Perhaps being alone is healthier, and certainly for as complicated and unromantic as it seems, a lot of my poly-amourous friends seem a lot less miserable.

I still want to believe in the fairy tale of true love. that a commitment sets one free in ways that being alone or poly-amorous never can with trust, personal growth intimacy and vulnerability. But who writes these rules? its just the expected Norm that we have been fed by a puritanical society based on their fears and religious ideals. An ancient form of crowd control that got way out of hand. "So we sit here in our storm and drink a toast to the slim chance of loves recovery".

And I watch in awe once again, as "Reece" draws a line in the sand and begins the long slow process of separating from her partner of twenty years, to reinvent herself and finally focus on her own life instead of being a caretaker for a man that needs a mommy maid to run his life, and household; and I think maybe my inability to put up with it was not so far fetched after all. It's all about choices. Choices and timing. Its not really about how much love. The truth is we can learn to love anyone with kindness, consistency and proximity, but taking care of ourselves and doing our real work on the planet cannot wait till were dead.

Without my role model I am floundering without a map, and wondering where to go from here. Once again I get to step up and figure it out. In the end I find out that Reece had "had enough" of her time and care and energy not being reciprocated. And that seems a lot like justice to me. Not for Reece perhaps, at least not now, but in the grand scheme. Justice, fairness and reciprocal respect are vital for relationship success.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

what should love look like?

I think the details of what love should look and feel like are a bit different for everyone, but there are some qualities to which most people would probably agree.

Somewhere between the ideals we all hope for and the realities we have encountered is the middle ground of possibility. But communication must remain safe and open. the conversation is an ongoing constant, not something that lives on a shelf and is only occasionally dusted off or refreshed...

We must ask for what we want and need. We must listen to the other with out getting defensive and try to consider their needs as if they were our own, even when we do not understand them. We must be willing to compromise and adapt for the comfort and happiness of our partner, and be able to expect the same in return. It must be reciprocal. Reciprocal respect.

pissed off and battle scarred

I am angry. Its partly my own fault because I know better, but its partly the media and modern society and what mass consciousness deems acceptable treatment and representation of women and girls.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what it looks like, or tastes like or feels like, I only know that I don't know, and that makes me angry. How can we get or create what we want in life when we don't know what that is or what it might look like?

We end up in the precarious positioning of trial and error. depending on the situation this can be grossly unfair to ourselves and our partners, but what can possibly be done about it? Self examination and introspection only go so far. Journaling, therapy, self help books, womens, weekends, classes in spirituality, assertiveness, and shamanism are wonderful tools, but with out a direct role model our lives are at the mercy of our most powerful and direct influence. Our immediate family, friends and to our detriment, the media, our cultures common unifying voice, that runs behind all of our other spheres of perception and influence, right or wrong.

With trial and error, we begin to at least identify what we do NOT want, or are not willing to tolerate or feed, but it can be a long perilous journey, especially for those who have never had the time, resources or guidance to learn introspective techniques. If I am at this much of a loss with all I have been through and all the assistance and resources I have been privileged enough to access, then what becomes of the majority of people who have not had these opportunities? They are even more at the mercy of the media, and even less aware that there is any thing wrong with this picture!

so what do I want? a kind, emotionally present lover who values and adores me and is capable of intimacy. A journey we will have to travel together.

What does intimacy look like? Its probably different for every couple but somewhere in that scenario is a lot of vulnerability and microscopic honesty with ones self and ones partner. A willingness to risk being truely seen and even judged, by another whom we admire and adore. A willingness and follow through to prioritize our commitment to anothers wellbeing and happiness as much as our own. A willingness to honor the vulnerability of the other as we want our own to be handled with care, a willingness to sometimes be wrong, and to admit it, and to be gentle when telling our partner they are wrong about something.

We cannot do it or choose for the other, only for our selves, and that leaves us vulnerable at the very start. Finding someone who is truly willing is the first step, and in a media induced and enforced world of pretenders and players, sincerity is rare. all we can do is play nice, play fair, try to find the balance between protecting ourselves and trusting another. It takes time. nd there is no substitute for time. so instead we distract ourselves with details and nitpicking. But that is a choice.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

stubborn uncertainty

It would seem that in order to have a successful long term relationship one must be willing to be stubborn. When things reach a place of apathy, or uncertainty, this can be very difficult. the basic elements of success seem to be patience, forgiveness, stubbornness and a willingness to see the humor. An insistence at hanging on despite feelings of throwing in the towel...

Love is as much an ACTION as a feeling or emotion. It is a choice sometimes.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

What is Monogomy?

Monogamy is a tricky thing. Defining it is even more complex and is worthy of very specifically discussed ground rules. I have had to many relationships where the definition is assumed, and never defined at all.

One partner said "don't do anything you wouldn't want me to do" which seems straight forward and simple enough -superficially, only to find that my partner and I had very different ideas and scales as to what even THAT might mean. Everyone ends up hurting and confused and resentful, from what should be a beautiful celebration.

To one partner being faithful and monogamous may mean no intercourse, to another it may mean no flirting. One person may say no climax, while another says no time alone or intimate conversations with the opposite sex. Then we have the realm of virtual sex, and virtual or online flirting. To me THAT is very precarious, insulting and escapist. All that time dedicated to fantasy while real flesh and blood interest grows cold, taken for granted, or left undervalued...

So how do we figure it out, with out a lot of trial and error? With out a lot of conversations as we stumble blindly along?

One friend said she hopes to find monogamy, till then others define her as Poly, but that is not what she is about either. She just thinks that our culture rushes into it way to fast, instead of allowing it to grow and evolve over time, (she was talking years) So that it is a natural and organic blossoming and choice for both parties rather then a prison sentence for one or the other as seems common for so many. I find myself considering some of her views and turning them over in a larger cultural sense...

You can't push the river. No matter how much you covet the destination. But I know what I want. I just want it freely offered and joyously given, and celebrated in return, not coerced or resentfully presented like a petulant child with a prison sentence. I am nobodies warden.

And all of this brings us back around to trust. We don't have anything with out trust.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Taken for granted

How does it happen? Do we just slip further and further into a state of obligated servitude? Do we crumble our will before internally imposed expectations of behavior? Perhaps its an adaptation of protocols we absorb from television or romantic movies.

I tend to dismiss most of these ideas right away, as I am a mostly free thinking individual. but I am a child of my generation, and a product of a consumeristic society regardless. I had an average childhood that constantly indulged or skirted poverty and saw my share of co-dependent relatives. Healthy relationship models were not something I experienced directly.

Two divorces later...
I am jaded. I can ride the bus and see the most unlikely couples, that obviously fit together, but part of me does not believe that is something I can achieve. Part of me wonders how and why it became such a central goal, again messages of our consumeristic society. Either way I find myself in a relationship that I value, and I want to make it work. But there is no script, there is no parameter by which to measure or form my expectations, and there is no model except blundering through and hoping for the best. avoiding old patterns and perceptions and behaviors is like navigating a minefield.

So I find myself waiting to hear the sweet talk that started this tryst. Hungry for the words of admiration and adoration from my lover. For the feel of his strong arms squeezing me and his amazing lips clinging to mine melting my core. The feel of his hands like the first time he touched me, almost worshiping, grateful, and so lingering. But he feels crowded and doesn't like it to be an expectation. He works a lot and is gone even more, and I am lonely, filling my time with trivialities, friends, school and my own work.

I do to much for him. I wash his coffee cups and pack his lunch. I make creative and interesting dinners because we are broke and I know how to make something of nothing. I want to keep the stress off him however I can. I keep the house and do the laundry and pay 1/3 of the rent. I do the majority of the shopping and give him all the sex he wants just to get some sort of affection from him. Oh my god! I am an idiot. I have turned Myself into the mother-whore. No wonder I feel this way!

I need a solution! What can I do to be more at home in our house? what can I do to make the space more conducive and nourishing to me? And how do I stop being a patsy, a door mat a servant and get what I want in my relationships and my life? AAgghhhhh. there are so few models for this. so as usual I will have to forge ahead, blaze the trail, and become a role model. ugh. why can't I just get a road map instead of reinventing the wheel?

My list was simple: a good man that utterly adores me. I do not feel adored, valued or even seen lately. How can I be seen by myself more?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

aversion to the mundane

"Yes!" I said, excitedly, with a huge sense of relief to have it named, categorized and labeled. "that's it!I have an aversion to the mundane."

He stared at me, like he always does, with humor and affection and a bit of pride and said gently "Well, you know, a lot of life really is mundane, that's just how it is, no matter who you are. I invite you to pay attention, and look at those moment a little closer. Find what is wonderful, and beautiful and delicious in them."

I stared back at him and realized maybe this attitude was a problem I should try to overcome instead of something to be self righteous about. I don't know why we work so well together, but Ed is the best therapist I have ever had. He validates all of my experiences "What I want to know" he said, "Is how could anyone expect you to trust anyone after what you've been through? I mean, my gosh, look at you, why would you be able to?" And at the same time expands my view and helps me move through old thoughts and beliefs that hold me back from being ABLE to be happy.

It didn't go over so great when I caught myself weighing everything he had said while I stared at, and studied my boyfriend in sharp detail that evening. He was repeatedly annoyed and more then a little weirded out, but I just kept staring at him. Ed's words were replaying in my head "It really sounds like you could spend a lifetime getting to know this guy, learning everything there is to him, the nuances".

"It sounds like you are really important to him and that he really cares about you. Maybe you are everything he really wants, and he is really happy, not ignoring you, maybe he just feels really complete. He has you, he has TV, he is home from a job he hates..." I had never thought to even consider it that way before. So I just kept staring, turning the ideas around in my mind. Boyfriends delicious and juicy lips kept distracting my contemplations so it went on for sometime. I am sure it did weird him out.

It didn't make it any easier to do the laundry and dishes the next day, to to sweep the floors, or to contain the dogs. House work was still tedious and mundane. Homework still loomed over my head like a huge hurdle of academia that no one is ever quite adequate to, and lunch dates, were all mere time killers to seeing him again. Perhaps next week when I meet with Ed we can focus on dealing with my OCD, tendencies a bit more, before I no longer have a boyfriend to obsess over. I just really like him, and he keeps surprising me, inside of myself. And his damn sweet, juicy, kissable lips, I want to chew on them all day long. If only he were more consistently affectionate, instead of withdrawn and aloof. That part is downright painful.

"Find the beautiful little tiny moments that bring joy and magic into the mundane-ness of daily life" say's Ed, in my head.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

what if?

What if I knew what I wanted in life? in love? inside the bedroom and out? Where I wanted to live? whom I wanted for friends, and what kind of work I wanted to spend my life doing?

its moot. The truth is I have lived through times when I have thought I've known the answers to these questions and I always felt as through I barely survived it. Somehow life seems to lose its sparkle when its all pre-decided and planned out before me, a road stretching before me through the desert of eternity with no curves, no hills, no real significant change in scenery... I feel suffocated just trying to write about it.

The rest of the truth is that I often LIKE not knowing what is down the road or around the next bend. The act of exploration, and the process of discovery are experiences one does not get to engage when ones world is to ordered, to paved, and sanitized for our protection. So I set myself on these quests of discovery, carving adventures out of real life and sometimes, nay so far its been every time, my loneliness is only heightened as I realize I am alone in a sea of thrill seeking nine to fivers. Those individuals that appear to take the road less traveled so they seem edgy or rebellious to their families and coworkers, but who fear any one or anything not under their own careful blanket of controlled illusion. They always put me in a cage, a trophy, a prize to prove how freaky they are.

I am an innocent and I can blindly blunder into some pretty steep territory. But I am not naive. Once I find myself there I am usually fully aware of the dangers, the snakes in the gutter and the pimps on the corner, and can hold my own till I slowly and intentionally saunter on outta there. Chin up, stut in high gear, handing out free smokes as I go. Yet another skill set that may have saved my life and virtue more then once, and has led to countless stories of adventure, but hasn't served in bringing me anything tangible for life in this world of fakery and meglomania.

What if I knew what I wanted? I don't have the answers. I don't really think that anyone does indefinitely. Although some are lucky enough to know what they want in the moment of now and how to implement a plan to bring it about, with some sense of certainty and control... Maybe I am jaded, but I tend to believe these people are just fooling themselves. A grown up, and acceptable version of self soothing.

Throw the pacifier away!! Call it tobacco, television, cannabis or booze. The only thing that eases our pain and isolation and the need for these self indulgent numbing agents and pain killers is true connection with another person, someone who can actually SEE us and still accepts us, something all these replacements often continue to isolate us from achieving, or from keeping if we are lucky enough to find it.

Not me, I stand out in the middle of the parking lot in the rain, 2 o clock in the morning when we all have to work the next day. My arms raised and my voice breaking on the wonder and beauty of being alive, and of experiencing everything life has to offer me in that moment, I'm not even drinking tonight, emotions high with the ecstacy of the moment but the wind howling higher. Maybe all the neighbors start staring and my partner gets angry at me for -in his mind- airing our dirty laundry (some minor and already forgotten argument perhaps) in public, when really I probably just saw a meteorite on my way home that brought tears to my eyes with its naked, unadulterated purity, and I had to stop the presses and celebrate being alive.

I am a dying breed. A true free spirit, a gypsy souled beauty with a need for a whole life filled with authentic moments, intimate conversations and sensual pleasures, like some people need a big bank account or a really nice car. I am ultimately alone, rarey, really understood until my trust is broken. My love is never ending but, not my devotion. My soul hungers for another to run beside me, one who neither condemns me for my farsighted understanding of humanities frailties and its pain, nor pushes me past my own better judgement or intuitive sense of how to heal it. One that does not put me in a cage -however pretty, but doesn't hide from me or lose me either.

It is true, I give to much, I love to easily and I forgive from the depths of my soul. I want, and long for, and secretly hope I am not the only one, but at my age, experience has taught me well. Everyone has the best of intentions but old habits die hard, no matter who they hurt. So I try to turn it outward. I still watch my heart break almost everyday over something or someone I couldn't help, or reach or soothe somehow. Every night I stoke the fires of sincerity and confidence with the fodder of my loneliness and fears, so I can do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I do believe in miracles. I myself have benefited from them in impossible circumstances time and again.

Some people criticize and try to change me, whether from some misplaced sense of chivalry and protection' or their own limited understanding of ultimate reality. Some call me a fool, or a flibbertigibbet, and can't be bothered with the likes of me, Although I think they doth protest to much. The truth is they feel more deeply inside themselves under my knowing but loving gaze, and the fear, pain or isolation they have tried so hard to hide or deny angers them... I love them regardless, and try to be gentle with them. They are hurting like the rest of us.

Why should I be any different? The truth is I LIKE who I am. My heart is to soft, but it the best of me -of humanity really- and If we cant add healing, love, truth and beauty to the world and its people who need to believe in themselves again, in each other, in the power of love, what good are we? Dead weight.

So I guess I have what I want, adventure, and a life that touches others in positive ways and helps everyone it touches to grow, sometimes through love and intention, and sometimes unintentionally through shock and anger. I have so very much to be thankful for! I am one of a kind, but another pea in my pod would be encouraging.

Now universe, can I get a healthy dose of true love, deep trust, intimately complex connection, intellectual stimulation, companionship and great sex with that? fries are not required, and batteries are optional. But devotion and respect are mandatory. Cross your fingers for me that my sweetie is the right one, the one that CAN keep me, and learn to connect instead of trying to change who I am or taking me for granted. What if I already have everything I could ever want? what if you do too? Imagine the difference we can make, the world we can make.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Trashing the Dress

I recently received this letter from my pen pal...


Hello, Autumn is in the air here. The evenings are getting darker, the trees are changing colour and some are dropping leaves. The apples and fruit are ripe and ready to pick, the harvest has been gathered. Frost cannot be far off now, the nights are already feeling cold.

Still, the autumn ploughing, which has just started has got it's interests. I have just got back from a cold, wet field nearby, watching it being ploughed and a rather strange local event. A Trashing the Dress party.

This is a very odd sort of celebration. So far as I know it is a tradition particular to the very far north of Scotland. I have never heard of anything similar elsewhere in the UK. The tradition is strong here though and seems to be growing more so. If you look in the windows of local photographers shops you will see the usual wedding, baby and other photos, as well as trashing the dress pictures.

It seems that, once a woman is well and truly married. Once she is sure she will never again need her wedding dress. She has the choice of putting it away in her wardrobe, never to see daylight again unless she can pass it on to her daughter. Assuming she has one. Assuming the dress will fit the girl. Assuming the dress is still fashionable. Assuming the daughter wants to wear it. Or, she can trash it!

This seems to be then a public statement made by a young married woman, but never explicitly expressed, that she is now happily married and will not be seeking another husband. So, she gathers her friends and relatives together as witnesses, as well as a photographer. Then she puts on her wedding dress and goes and does something that will utterly destroy it, so that it is fit for nothing but the 'rag and bone man'.

Today the young lady arrived wearing a lovely, full length gown with a short train. She had a little posy of flowers in her hands an a veil, thrown back over her head to reveal her face and held in place by a simple band. She had a pair of pretty white shoes on, with dainty high heels. Also white stockings, a baby ble garter and a little white thong. I know, because she posed for us with her skirts lifted high. Just for the photographer you understand.

Anyway. The field was being ploughed. It was rough, since the ground had only just been turned. It was also very wet, since it was raining overnight. The tractor pulled up alongside the young lady. The plough had been unhooked. In it's place a heavy, knotted rope had been fixed to the tow hook. The bride picked up the knotted rope and hung on tight as the tractor set off slowly across the muddy field. The young woman had no choice but to follow. In moments she had lost a shoe, stuck in the mud. Moments later she broke the heel off the other shoe, so kicked it off and continued barefoot. Her dress by now was getting very muddy around the skirts whilst the tractor wheels were throwing up mud all over her bodice. Soon her stockings were shredded as she walked through the foot. Finally she staggered, falling to her knees in the plough furrows. The tractor continued it's slow progress though. So, a moment later, she was pulled onter her chest, to be dragged slowly through the sticky soil for some 20ft or so. Finally, she let go of the rope. She struggled to her feet and, amidst loud applause and the flash of camera flashguns, she stumbled to the edge of the field.

An odd ceremony. Great fun to watch though. I couldn't help feeling it was a bit kinky too. There were elements of public humiliation, exhibitionism and messy play in all this.

Or perhaps that is just seeing things from my kinky perspective. Perhaps it is in fact simply an endearing pagan ritual.

Do you have anything similar in nature on the far side of the atlantic? Is this simply a bit of British madness?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Q&A (interview)

The question was:

How did you react when your daughter came out?



Well since my best friend is a lesbian, my great aunts were lesbians (when I was a child in the 70's) and I was actually married to a gyrl in a mans body, it didn't phase me at all. I see no reason that it should ever be an issue or a big deal.

I have a hard time understanding WHY it becomes one for so many people and families. (but remember I am always the biggest FREAK in the room -LOL)

I raised my daughter to believe that LOVE IS LOVE and that silly things like gender are not even remotely important. I used to run a self esteem class for pre-teen girls where we discussed things like "attraction to boys or not" and the normal feelings and developmental stages we all go through. She was raised to deeply understand and Know that things like gender, sexual identity AND sexuality are NOT binary ideals or concepts and that what IS important is everyone's equal right to acceptance, love and happiness.

We all subscribe to the philosophy THAT ANYTHING between two (or more) CONSENTING ADULTS is nobodies business. period.

so rock on.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

what I want and where its gotten me

I don't even know what I want. He has asked but I don't know how to answer. He treats me like an object, a possession. Something that belongs to him. And I thrill to it. I know I should be indignant, offended, and probably a bit more aggressively in opposition, but... I like it. After two marriages where I felt thrown away it is kinda nice. He told me what I want, what I need, what I was looking for: "You are really just a little girl that needs a big strong daddy, to look after her and tell her what to do." He told me at one of our first meetings.

Of course I reacted internally with "whoa! This guy is kind of intense and twisted and controlling, and dangerous". And I ran away. But I explored a little and as I got used to this idea I came back a year later. Thinking to myself, "all the men Ive dated were too submissive and to easily dominated by my strong, sometimes larger then life personality.I secretly long to be completely dominated by the right man. could it be him? could he be the right man?" We went out again. I just kept liking him as a person, even though his sexual lifestyle and adventures pushed all my buttons of danger and nervousness. I simply didn't think of him as dating material.

When we got to the awkward part of the evening where I generally hug my smitten admirers good bye,thank them for the drink and the chat and wish them a good night. He didn't shrink back or slink away, instead he confidently and gently pulled me against his strong chest and kissed me. And I felt something different for the first time, a sort of deep shuddering surrender shot through me and I simply melted into his arms. It wasn't overwhelming like a romance novel, It was comfortable, easy, right, and I hoped he wouldn't let go or creep away. He didn't. Could it be I had actually found my equal? That was a very novel idea. I was intrigued.

"Bad girls get spanked" he said one day and I couldn't feel the floor under my feet. My stomach had dropped to where my bladder should be. Later, He held my hands above my head "you like that?" he said huskily in my ear? "you like my hot cock in your tight little pussy?" I lost it. No one had ever talked to me like this. No one. I was dizzy with ecstatic pleasure and the confusion this whole mind fuck was creating with in me. I was delighted just being around him as much as possible. I became addicted to his smell. He would parade his floggers and ropes around in front of me when he wanted compliance on something and I never knew what to think. It would stop me in my tracks, wide eyed with wonder, fear, anticipation and a strange feeling of hunger I had never felt before.

Now it stands to reason, since we are headed down this strange and unexplored road into this startling and extreme territory at once shocking in its blatant starkness, and strangely compelling with its simple yet intense trappings, that it would be clear what is happening, or where it is that we are headed. But it isn't. Not even remotely.giving over to sensory stimulation both externally and the internal response and reaction is like unraveling an entirely new dimension of time and space in experiential reality! It is beyond conceptualization or description.

My studies, observations and research has brought me to an understanding that communication is vital and open honesty without fear of recrimination is an important part of the intimacy in these kinds of relationships. And yet the level of intimacy, vulnerability and confession one must engage in is heady and extreme in itself. Never have I been so thoroughly examined, observed and known by another human being. Never have I felt so vulnerable, exposed and scrutinized. Never have I been so overwhelmed by the power of my own desire and emotions that I cannot speak let alone meet the eyes of my lover when he asks a direct question.

For me there is no further for me to fall, the trust I have to extend and the level of intimacy far surpasses any experience I have ever even imagined. But with this realization comes fear. Fear on many fronts. The awareness that he is holding something back -not once has he used those ropes anywhere near me, although he talks the talk- and while he has spanked me in rough housing fun, and teased me with anticipation with his flogger on one brief occasion, I sense his reluctance to surrender and share more with me. It increases my nervousness and anxiety, as well as builds my hunger for an experience I am not at all certain I will even enjoy.

This sort of game playing is nerve wracking and builds an additional emotion in me about somehow not measuring up. This is not HIS first relationship in the BDSM world, and the comments he has made "there is no going back from that kind of intimacy." Make me apprehensive about my ability to cope should we break up. I am jealous and insecure at the idea that someone else still holds his true heart and soul and devotion, and has possibly hurt him even more intensely then I myself have been stung... I am overwhelmed at the possibility of feeling even more intensely vulnerable then I already do. I am terrified, and yet I want every drop of flavor I can garnish from this experience, and I feel like I want it all, now.

So perhaps this slow game of cat and mouse is actually being responsible on his part. But I just don't know. He tells me what to do much of the time and seems to have particular ways he wants me to behave as our relationship unfolds. He questions my every little action and interaction five ways from Sunday. He can read my moods long before I am ready to vocalize them. Yet when I try to play along in the strange little roles we have been developing or ways he has not anticipated or prescribed, the questioning begins and I cannot stand it.

He asks me such deeply personal questions that I don't know the answers too. He tries to sort and label and categorize my behaviors and deduce my intentions. But I am barely aware of having any for sure. Intentions? the jury is still out. questions? curiosity? urges? desires? yes. indeed, and I can barely articulate those. Maybe because He knew me better then I knew myself from the beginning I just expect him to know the rest too. I guess I want Him to Tell Me what it is I want, and whether he is gonna give it to me or not. I realize that is completely irrational and not at all the way a grown up behaves. But I rarely feel like a grown up around this man. I feel so young and vulnerable and exposed and eager to please that I can't even be considered a rational human being anymore...

I cannot be considered independent or self contained in any proximity to this man. Oh when He is away or I am in a tiff and not caring how he will take it, I am fine. Interacting with my old fan club and playing the diva, I am fine, in control making life happen. But with this man I have given up far more then ever before. I can't help myself. I want to. And yet all the feminist upbringing rings in my head to not be that girl. To not set my own life and dreams and goals aside YET AGAIN, because I am the sex slave of some man (albeit willingly). However respectable, loving or brilliant he may be. However safe and valued I feel with him... most of the time.

I have to find the balance. I have to be a grown up. I have to identify and ask for my own needs, for what I want, myself, however embarrassing or humiliating. I have to keep some part of myself separate and reserved just for health, and well being should it end badly, but it is a struggle. And I have already watched much of my life unravel, and my goals evaporate to be put off into the mystical ether. I find myself thinking I am to old to raise kids again for a third time around, and that it is time to see the world and fill my own cup and find my own sense of purpose, fulfillment and joy in the world, but all I want is the strong arms of my "daddy" and his rich; deep voice in my ear. All I want is this naughty adventure I have chosen to pursue. I just want it to be healthy for me, for him....I guess it might be a lot like chocolate brownies... Delicious and sinfully erotic, enticing and full of the promise of comfort, but easy to over indulge.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Intelligence and KINK?

A question was posed about the link between those with above average intelligence and kinksters... this is my response:


There are many kinds of Intelligence, and many ways to measure it. Independent thinkers learn HOW to think rather then WHAT to think. (what to think and overly vanilla comes from to much TV in formative years IMHO).

Also everyone thinks their parents are vanilla. Maybe they are and maybe they are not. DO you REALLY want the details? for many of us the answer is a resounding NO thank you! but if you come from a very open family, good for you, My daughter shares A lot with me and I honor my role as confidante.

Common sense is NOT so common in any crowd, I find Uber smart, geeky folk to be surprisingly stupid about common sense things. Absent minded professor syndrome... very amusing actually. Intelligence, like common sense has nothing what so ever to do with education! -and Ignorance and intelligence are very different indeed. I know plenty of people with important sounding tiles and degrees that couldn't find their way out of a book long enough to exit a parking garage. And conversely I know entrepreneurs that dropped out, or never even went to high school to live on the streets when their parents abandoned them, or to pursue their own quirky passions and came to pull down six figures a year, or raise amazing kids, or truly make a difference in the quality of life of others.

YES. The average intelligence is only 100. That is true, but that means that HALF the people are dumber then that. ouch. Ever try to have an actual conversation with a vegetable? (I am not talking about folks with mental disabilities who can be very sweet, I mean actually stupid people.) It is actually so painful that at any party or gathering most of us automatically tune them out in favor of a more stimulating query that can at least hold up their end of the discussion. I say "most of us" because as free thinking, consenting adults that have found our way HERE, I believe we must all be above average intelligence just to hold our own and make it this far.

For those above, or well above average intelligence (again different kinds measured different ways), Boredom is a huge and imposing factor of daily interactions with most of society, so we learn to amuse ourselves, and trust our own interpretations rather then those handed to us by well meaning others -unless asked-. And thus we come full circle to Quirky, Kinky, Freaky, Eccentric, Weird, or just plain Mean and Snobby seeming.

sorry if I sound like a self centered bitch. IQ 132, -and not good at math either. But I love people, human behavior and the humanity in us all. <3 blessings to all. Thanks for the rant.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Summer Romance

All summer I told Neal that the garden would have to be at the top of the property because of the progression of the sun during the year. We are still learning a lot about each other: Its so cute to watch him shuffle through his own ideas about these kinds of things,for weeks or months before coming to the same conclusions I did in the first 5 minutes.

Particularly because HE is so freaking Brilliant about so many things! -Especially medically and physiologically (you should be taking more iron, blah blah blah) -and actually RIGHT more then I AM -the dang lemon butt! -don't tell him I said that!. I am NOT used to being wrong very often. Of course I believe there is more then one point of view of reality that is 100% valid at any time, so maybe more then one point of view is right. Still I am learning how to be wrong sometimes. ouch.

But Neal is still learning about my instant and surprisingly accurate assessments of people, places and things (like physical science and spatial awareness)... I think he is used to always being right as well, So I get yet another lesson in patience. aaggh. -ain't love grand? But really it is. We certainly don't get bored with each other even when everything else is boring. Learning about oneself and a beloved other is what we're here for, right? What we all say we want in our relationships... LOL

The flip side is that my friend Benjamin tells me frequently that I already have the "Patience of a Saint"... gave me my own Nickname: "Saint Mesopotamia". So there is a place of balance, although it feels crazy, since Neal frequently accuses me of being the most impatient person he has ever met. How is it that somehow they are both right? Because they are. They are both right.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Conversations with a pen pal

As I explore the intricacies of human sexuality as part of my anthropology studies I am expanding my own awareness and education. I joined a kink site for fetishists, and have begun correspondence on these subjects with several people around the world. My current pen pal and I were discussing some of my questions and concerns as I begin to explore my curiosity into what constitutes kink and a kink lifestyle. (As usual I used the back ground of my own life and relationships as a comparative backdrop), He had some great insights.

Pen pal: What are the ideas that are troubling to you? Why struggle against these ideas anyway? Unless they are very dangerous I generally feel you should embrace and explore the ideas that fascinate you. Once you get to understand, these things usually prove less troubling.[ ]...There will be a Fetish Market. I hope to get a new violet wand there as well as seeing new gear to add to my wish list or to provide kinky inspiration. [ ]...Finally there will be the Torture Garden Ball. That will be great fun. There are lots of opportunities to meet people, to play or simply to enjoy the burlesque shows and to dance.
What was your weekend like?



ME: I am extremely new to all of this. My weekend involved playing house and giving a large house warming party with my S.O. No, He has not shown me "the ropes" at all beyond threats and promises. Although I know he admires ropework... I cant even get properly spanked, whether I am good or bad. He is full of excuses. Says he wants a relationship that is NOT based on sex. I didn't think ours was, but I was originally under the impression that sexual play would be a good healthy part of it! For gods sake I am in my forties and was married FOREVER. TWICE! I deserve to indulge the need to explore my sexuality with a WILLING partner whom I can LOVE and TRUST.


Pen pal: I do hope things look up for you soon. It sounds to me as if you are desperate for a sound spanking, if not a lot more.


ME: lol. am I so easy to read? I am growing weary of trying to find out whats eating him. He always turns it all back on me as MY moods, or demands. I am a fairly easygoing, and very forgiving, understanding woman. I just want and need a lot of attention. something I have never made a secret of. My own mother told him that I am high-maintenance...

I suspect its all no good since I am to easy. He knows I want him, and there is no chase. I detest THAT kind of game playing. I am deeply sad that after so much promise and potential it seems I am with yet another man that just wants a mommy/wife, to do his dishes and keep his his house and be available for quickies. MY shy requests are met with excuses, and avoidance. Yes my frustration is immense. But the sadness and disappointment continues to grow. I don't know what to do or how to either fix it or end it. thanks for listening. :)


Pen pal: Of course your man blames you for being moody and demanding attention. Being a guy, he doesn't have moods. None of us do! We have pressure of work. rational reasons for a sulk or biting your head off. Conveniently you have periods and hormones we can blame for all our insecurities and shortcomings. Didn't mother tell you?

Do you make demands? Typical woman! After doing the washing, cooking a tasty meal and walking the dog you can drop to your knees and give me a blow job. Oh, and why are you wearing jeans and a sweatshirt? I want you in a basque and stockings.

Your expectations are thoroughly justified of course. But men have been trained to be dependent and selfish by doting mothers I'm afraid.

Joking aside, I do feel sorry for your frustration. I hope i don't take the women in my life for granted.



ME: I came to some important conclusions yesterday, bitching at some friends who listened and assured me that I am beautiful, and desirable and deserve to get what I want in my relationship.

There have been so many red flags.
I am convinced that the man I love, is still in love with some one else. indulge me as I list my evidence.

1, He has never wanted the lights on during sex, even early on. (something I am used to arguing until I am truly comfortable, guys ALWAYS want to SEE me)
2. Any day time sex is almost always from behind.
3. There has never been any love making, only urgent, violent quickies and psuedo-rape scenes. (This indicates A LOT of anger towards women if you ask me)
4. He is very attentive and playful IN front of other people, but not when we are alone, then he basically ignores me and spends all his time on the computer.
5. I have been on an anti-anxiety medication that makes me unable to orgasm, instead of trying harder, he gave up trying to please me. He's only gone down on me twice in 5 months of being together, and he is rough and impatient. (For a man in his forties I would have expected a bit more skill, and pride at pleasuring an eager, sexy woman, who actually loves him).
6. He has become adamant that I don't "dig around in his past".... Yet if it really is IN THE PAST then it shouldn't even be an issue. I share mine openly with him.

there are quite a few other other things too, even more personal...

I decided to try to keep away from him physically, but he is so sexy to me, and then he practically rapes me. And I love the attention, especially because its all I can seem to get. We just moved in together, but I can see that I may have to start figuring out how to break it off and move out. Heart wrenching, that is gonna be a slow process. I am so angry at him, but even more Angry at myself for doing this to myself, for getting myself into this situation.

Meanwhile I am putting on weight despite my best efforts, and smoking way to many cigarettes. I feel like such a fool. We were friends. I Liked him as a person. I thought I was doing something right for a change. making different choices. going for a different kind of guy. My first kinkster, so I could safely explore some new territory and aspects of my sexuality. But I get nothing but sorrow from him in that arena.

Pen pal: It sounds to me as if you live in a delightful place. The physical environment I mean. Emotionally though, you are in a very difficult place. You have come to that realization yourself though. That talk with your friends was important, you must take the message to heart, and act on it.

Don't lose your self respect, or your confidence. You are pretty. You have a good, sexy body. Don't let yourself go to seed and put on weight. Reduce or stop the smoking too. You are seeking the comfort there that your man should be providing. It's no substitute though!

You are right. Men want to see the woman they are fucking. To see her body of course. To see her eyes, her expression, her responses to what you are doing together too! Fucking from behind is fantastic. It can be so animal and liberating. A man can penetrate so much deeper. He can grab your hair, tits or hips to pull on. Doggy style is fantastic. Not all the time though! Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl are every bit as good.

Rough sex and rape scenes are great! Urgent sex, because you just have to have her...Have her now! Fantastic! Not to the exclusion of warmth and tenderness though. (As I right this, [my lover] is curled up with me, reading over my shoulder as I play with her hair. The sex earlier was intense and rough. Now comes the together time).

Being attentive and affectionate in company but not when alone. This is the reverse of normal. This is playing for an audience.

You may well be right. he may not have fallen out of love with a previous partner. If so, this is a fight with a ghost. A fight you can never win, since she has been idealized.



ME: You are right, everyone is right. I must stop being a romantic fool. I must be strong and quit settling for less then I deserve, in return for all I give. I must extract myself from his need of me. I must just focus on school and get myself OUT of this country. Out of this mess. Thank You for your heart felt and very candid responses, and permission to post them on my blog.

Friday, August 26, 2011

How to live and love with an artist

So you have captured the heart and body of an artist, and you want to keep her/him, but don't begin to know how to keep up. Here are a few pointers.

Artists definitely have an archetype. Just think for a moment what descriptive words come to mind when you hear the word? Maybe: passionate, sensuous, inconsistent, flaky, talented, unorthodox, wild, untamed, arrogant, self absorbed, brilliant, charming, charismatic, moody, demanding, sexy, taboo, naughty, scary, unpredictable, extreme, manic, popular, annoying, unreasonable, socially inept, promiscuous, macabre, morose, brooding, sulky, dynamic, flirtatious, jealous, temperamental, unreliable, dramatic... see what I mean? and the list goes on, good and bad.

Not all of these apply to everyone of us, but most of us embody some combination thereof depending on the situation, our desires, our sense of safety, acceptance, romance and adventure, and whether or not we are actually making/taking time to play with our art.


First of all if you are sure you really want to capture *and keep* the heart of this person you have to know a few rules. -whats that you say? they have none? trust me. I am a professional, and I come from a long line of artists of every kind. there are very important rules, requirements, guidelines,They just aren't YOUR rules. Take it or leave it, but don't waffle around or play games out of bed. Say what you really mean, and Mean what you say. We generally prefer straight shooters, since that is how most of us are ourselves.

MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY REASON ALONE.
Do not get an argument about creativity VS Logic. You may win the battle but you will lose the war. Without passion, and frivolous inspiration, and beauty, and love, and the unfolding, exploration, sharing and expression of these forces, life really does seem meaningless to an artist, and they will become despondent or severely depressed if denied the exploration and sensory experiences they need like others need air.

ART IS A PROCESS, NOT A PRODUCT.
NOT making art of some kind, even bad art is a death sentence to the artistic soul. Not every doodle or silly little song can be a masterpiece. Not every photo shoot or decorating venture works out as we envisioned it. Artists really are like scientists in that they need to try and fail, and adjust and go at things from various angles and make attempts that don't work at all, to learn from. For many of us, we have evolved to the point where the end result, the fame, the recognition by external sources IS NOT what its all about anymore. Its the movement, the process itself. the full immersion and LIVING of life while we have it in our grasp.

COMMUNICATION
Open and almost constant communication is very necessary since we are constantly changing... -our minds, our moods, our dreams, our desires, our lusts, our hair colors, -at least you won't get bored. But we need discussions, speculations, flights of fancy, "tea" parties, naughtiness, body paints, times of laziness, and the opportunity to occasionally try on conventions before adding our own twist. We need to share all of this, either the process or the results, or both with other artistic individuals. We WANT to be able to share it with you, but we wont run after you for long, breaking our own hearts on your indifference or disapproval.

FEEDBACK & CRITICISM ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Artists can be brutal, but under that cynicism and tough guy act we are an overly sensitive lot. We love to easily, and usually completely. The heavy heart cannot create freely. Creativity does not blossom with a ball and chain, so even if our hearts have been broken to the core a dozen times, our art heals us when we allow it to. Of all people, artists really can love like we've never been hurt. But we need the same in return. Negativity, disapproval and criticism cut us like knives, twisting in our tender fleshy feelings, clipping our wings, and killing the unbound joy we need to bring our light and love and art to the world.

ROMANCE & ADVENTURE
What can I say? We need it. It fills the well. It gestates ideas, and tools of the trade like a giant stew brewing the next burst of creativity. Romance isn't always about sexual conquest. In fact it rarely is. Romance can be a train ride through new territory, it can be a slow sensuous bath by candle light. It can be recognizing a kindred spirit in an old Buddhist monk. Some of the best and most memorable romantic experiences I have had were NOT in the arms of a lover. Although if I had had a lover to share them with, or to help me find them, that would have been living the dream for sure.

Feel free to message and ask me questions about how to live with your artistic lover.

waiting for love

I sometimes think I spend all my life around men, just waiting. waiting for them to do something, or stop doing something, or look up, or pay attention, or give a damn about something besides their own interpretation of reality...

Early on I am waiting for them to make a move, and ask for what they want. Then I wait for them to prove they are worthy. Then I wait for them realize what they have... I wait for them to hear my words when they see my lips move and my breasts heave. I wait for the waves of fear, or dread or intimidation to pass as they realize I might be hard to please. -or far to easy to please. Because once I actually make up my mind, change course, or set a course of action, I know what I want. And I am waiting for the man to believe me, catch up, or make the same discovery.

-with this sort of attitude probably comes off as condescending, snobby, aloof, or flippant. I may sound annoyed or even like a man hater... but I love men. I love everything about them. Even though I am very impatient with the neurological differences, in the ways our brains work, to prioritize information.

I can wait hours, days or weeks for some of them to come to the same conclusions I did in several minutes about a particular set of circumstances or the dependability of a new person. I am intuitive and just KNOW things sometimes. so I wait.

but sometimes the waiting is set aside when they demand or claim my attention or presence; or assistance, then I spring into action, no more the lazy seeming tiger swishing her tail, sometimes my body can move as quickly as my mind...

then, I pounce, revel, feast, succumb, until it is time to wait again. wait for recognition, or wait until I get bored with being under appreciated, or made to feel unimportant. and then I stop waiting at all, and I just move on, to try again.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

ooooo KINK

My response to a posted question on a kink website:

Question was: Are daddy/little girl kink relationships always sexual?


I had a daddy that was just a roommate. I am only just processing how intense and complete that relationship actually was, so bear with me...

He was the first man to act like a daddy and not be submissive to me. (Both my husbands were subs. I don't like that in men.) We did not have a physical attraction to each other at all. (I was fairly heavy, and he is/was fairly short).

His control issues and Neapolian complex helped break up my marriage while we lived with him, but he also picked me up off the floor and tucked me into the couch, or took sharp things away from me in the months that followed. He rallied our coworkers to keep tabs on me secretly and keep him informed. But he took me on more dates then either of my husbands ever did. Even before my husband left, and even when he had a steady girlfriend: at least once a week we would go to a movie, the park, a hike, a local nursery or home show, bars, parties, social events, or do big house projects like splitting and stacking the seasons firewood.

This pimp-daddy would tell me how to dress, how to keep his house, what groceries to buy, when to walk my dog, how to manage and spend, and save my own money, how to interact with specific colleagues at work. But he would bring home take out about twice a week so we could just watch TV with no dishes to worry about. He would share his cigarettes and go out to buy me morning lattes on the weekends, because I am slow to wake up.

He told me how to work the system with our bosses, and how to become more popular with our students and coworkers. I behaved perfectly for him. Sometimes he made me smoke a lot of pot with him, and watch cartoon movies like Kungfu Panda, or UP, and I complained but secretly loved it. He never let me feel like I was alone unless I wanted to be. My closest friends were always welcome and he loved to entertain and have small brunch or dinner parties for them.

He would take me with him when he went to do work at his parents house, and bring his single friends around to dinner to try and set me up with them. or leave me alone with them while he went to score them some smoke. After a while he tried to get some of our colleagues to date me telling them I needed a good fuck. I am just not into casual sex. I had to listen to him fuck his girlfriend loudly at all hours off the day and night. He liked to tie her up to the wall we shared. But they would buy me presents when they came out to find I had gone to sit in my car to get away from it.

Moving away to start my own life after divorce and stuff was really, really hard, because he kept telling me NOT to go, and that I needed stability not more change. But he just wanted a roommate he could control, and I needed change and liberation and a new beginning. He barely spoke to me after I left. And told me point blank he would never come visit me. I thought we were close friends. It was awkward when we ran into each other at work. It was like another break up. Even now he doesn't respond to me on Facebook, and Its sort of sad because I am still sorting out all the dynamics and trying to understand what it was, and what happened.

NOW I realize he was my Daddy and I LEFT him... its sad really. Because I value what I learned about myself with him, and he was pretty great, for a control freak.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Balance and Greed

I never knew that the games continued after commitment. I feel like a fool, someone left sitting in the bath water long after it went cold because I didn't know I was supposed to get out, dry off and tease the waters with my body for occasional moments, withholding myself from it most of the time. I thought the bath was it; committed, and in it for the long haul. I said I was taking a bath by gum, and so now I will take that bath to the end of time.

I blame a lack of realistic and healthy role models. Fairy tale romance is such a crock of shit. And it messes with our inner identity and sense of self. Why?! When focused on romance we tend to look at three things, the stories we grew up, and the stories we watch as movies and television, forgetting at some inner level that these are STORIES. We look to the celebrities and rock stars, huge mistake since that is usually just a Jerry springer episode waiting to happen. Or we look to our parents and older relatives... many of whom are utterly dysfunctional if they are still alive and together.

Honestly, we can listen to our friends about how a particular relationship is effecting us and our over all well being, but when it comes to troubleshooting they are rarely equipt to give realistic or helpful advice. They are bound to be filled with opinions, but that is hardly the same thing, and rarely, remotely helpful. It is supportive to have someone always see your side and rise to your defense, but what if you are in a causing your to expand your understanding, and maybe even grow, and its not a fight? I made a decision once to not take relationship advice from ANYONE who is not successfully involved, long term in a the type of healthy, happy, evolving, intimate relationship that I myself desire. The way I see it, this is the only person even remotely qualified to give advice on the subject, any one else is talking out their ass.

I honestly only know one truly dynamic, healthy woman, with her own life, and own opinions who has been happily and successfully involved with the same partner for over a decade. I try to follow her example. Interestingly she wont often say much on the relationship subject, so observation is key. She is a very private person. When she does address my questions, in her vague and very generalized way,I really listen up. She hasn't steered me wrong. But many of my choices in partners have been faulty. Definitely don't take relationship advice from me. Fame? fortune? popularity? that I can probably help you with. and this leads me to my delima...

more to come.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Moving On

It is so exciting to be a grown up in love!
Everything is so different. I know myself so much better then when I was younger and really believed that everything myself included was going to unfold exactly the way that I wanted it to. We really believe that until we are faced with enough opportunities in life to explore, discover and reveal our true strengths and weaknesses and to learn where we can and cannot compromise in life and with others.

We are forced to face the facts that we do not always respond as we might hope we would. We must come to terms with our own wounds and sense of controlling outcomes to be secure enough to allow our partner to be a whole and complete person, capable of their own hopes, dreams, crushes, shortcomings, and bitchy moments just as much as we ourselves are. We must come to a place of self worth and compassion, that extends to really allow another to be all of who they are, even in relation to our selves.Even in ways that may not make sense to our views of the world and reality. We must find an inner sense of peace with that before we are ready to move into that place that zone. We must really experience for ourselves and KNOW what our values and priorities REALLY are,as opposed to what it is we WANT them to be when presenting ourselves to others. Sometimes this can surprise even us.

But then we grow, our boundaries may increase, but our rules become less rigid, and our compassion expands to include those we may have once excluded. Our hearts DO heal, and then they grow. And somehow this allows us to LOVE (not NEED) more completely while being less injured by another. We become complete within ourselves, and no longer need another to complete us. When that happens, we learn to ask for what we want, and to let go of outcomes. We begin to enjoy the ride, the journey for what it is focused on what we can give to make it even better, INSTEAD of solely on what we are GETTING from the other person. We begin to have more FUN in our relationships, and a lot less drama. How awesome is that?

We no longer judge what is appropriate in the progression of our relationships by a time clock. We have learned to listen to and trust our friends about how healthy our relationships seems for us,and we have learned that drama and danger and excitement do not make up for or create, or replace passion. We learn that true passion can creep in quietly, when we least expect it, and that it rarely comes with the flashiest car, or perkiest tits. We learn that what glitters isn't gold, and that inner peace grows hand in hand with passion, self esteem, and healthy communication with the right person.

If we are lucky, we learn all of this while we are young and agile enough to earn the rewards and to practice the very fulfilling reality of these lessons. How do we know? Its NOT whomever gives you the thrill chills kids. Any great smelling, ladies man, mans man, girl about town, can do that. Its that diamond in the rough, the one who is there to hold your hand afterwords, and is dedicated they are to your overall well being -outside of bed, that will ultimately thrill you the most in bed, and it gets better over time instead of fizzling out. I promise. So be strong, enjoy the scenery, but define inside of yourself what you really WANT with out judging or condemning it.

Do you want a lot of sexual conquests? Do you want a real relationship with a fully independent, freely thinking partner that has their own opinions about how things ought to be? Do you want a companion that is like a puppet and does everything your way the way you want it? Don't condemn yourself for these ideas or choices, just explore them. Ultimately just be honest with yourself, and willing to accept the consequences that come with any choice and you will find it. I have.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Orgasmic happy dance?

My most authentic Happy dance? Will be a really uninhibited orgasmic experience. Really. I am not just being provocative. I actually mean this to be a serious topic. I can get up and dance at the drop of a hat and jump around seeming like an out of control freak! But that is deceptive. Because I AM in control, in so much as I am choosing to express and demonstrate my emotional state. But the Big O is different, One can’t exactly make it happen. One has to allow it… all the pieces of the puzzle have to fit together and fall into place in the right way to be safe and properly stimulated and in the moment, so one CAN let go.

It helps to have the elements all present, those things we do have control over, but to experience a truly stress relieving orgasm one must get out of one’s head and out of a controlled response, and into the full, uninhibited moment of one’s body and instinctual, primal drives. A very scary place for control freaks of any kind.

One can set the stage, procure the props, interview and cast the roles, even call in a bit of inspiration, direction or technical support, but at some point one must sit back, hands off, -so to speak- and just give over to absolute pleasure beyond the mind, or judgment, or assessment, or To Many Words! Sometimes this doesn’t happen as easily as it should. If there has been trauma, or abuse, or insensitive partners, or backwards education, one may not have the trust or confidence to let go so easily.

Sexperts agree that masturbation is the key to learning one’s own pleasure triggers in order to better share with a partner, but for some, even that isn’t very effective. (as an aside, some sources suggest masturbation and orgasm as a good remedy for migraine headaches also). The only sensible recourse then, is to educate oneself about the options, purpose and cross cultural solutions to sex through the centuries. These lead to the fascinating study and discovery of the kama-sutra and tantric sexual practices, positions, and ideals.

Sadly, these beautiful pieces of knowledge, art, and education have been very tainted and westernized, and distilled down to little more than a handful of new positions, while throwing much of the theory out the window. The very part that is useful and different and perhaps gives quality back to the experience. The thing we went seeking to begin with.

Tantric texts describe the connection and sharing of pleasure between partners as NOT being orgasm focused, but rather just sharing of energy and sensuality in the moment to achieve the best enjoyment from the shared experience. While our cultural sexual experiences in the west by and large, seem to be quite the opposite regardless of the social group, gender spectrum or sexual orientation of the partners,. Sex purely for the sake of orgasm , release or gratification can limit affection and physical connection to a very stunted sex only kind of physical contact, diminishing quality contact for both partners and the relating in a full spectrum of compassion, passion and deeper emotional connection that is translated with the power of touch. Diminished quality can eventually lead to sexual malfunction in many cases.

But let us assume that a person is relatively healthy, and somewhat scar free, in as much as anyone over 30 can be in this day and age. How does one let go and relax? Massage therapists will often instruct clients through deep breathing and visualization techniques, based on the idea that relaxation is a skill, not an event. It must be practiced, coaxed, and given time too. Like playing the piano, great sex, pressure free orgasms, or anything else worthwhile in life. So it may not be natural, but must be nurtured, particularly for those of us in the west, not slapped together or contrived into the limited space of mental distraction during a commercial break…

So we have to make time, and give our intention and attention over to the regular practice of pleasure, whether its just learning to have fun in our own lives, the skill of relaxation, bonding and trust between partners. In order to do that we must prioritize it in a high enough place in the many demands of our modern lifestyles.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Do I know even what I want?

NEAL
We met nearly two years ago, at a party. I was freshly single and very confused. He was patient. We met for drinks a few times, and took a group to dinner once including his kids. We had some great chats and plenty in common with plenty of differences to. We were headed into some very different territory from one another, so we drifted apart. I certainly didn’t view him as boyfriend material, but he kept tabs on me from time to time. And would always praise and compliment me heavily, but sincerely. Whenever I was at a loose end he would express that he wished he didn’t already have a date or other plans. “don’t break a date for me” I would laugh.

As I flung myself fully into the dating world, I decided to experience lots of first dates. “Dating sucks, so obviously I need to get better at it.” Was my train of thought. I lined up four dates in a single week and thought I would give Neal a chance too. It was just dinner, and we were already sort of friends. We had a great time, communicated well, and felt very naturally, comfortable together, just like all the other times. I still didn’t think of him as a “date”, until he went to kiss me goodbye. Then something happened. Something changed. There was a spark of electricity that sort of wrapped around us both, and we seemed stuck together. It took me completely by surprise.

Now I see him completely differently. He is adorable, and rather handsome, and most importantly he smells good to me, when I can get him to abandon the aftershave. I am in awe. It seems that I have a sweet, hunky, intelligent, loving boyfriend that totally adores me just as I am in all my freaky glory, if I want one. So, Is that what I really want? Is it?

First Dates

ITALY
This super mc-hottie was once my student. He used to hang around after the night class to chat and try to get me to go out with him. He helped me put oil in my car, and showed me what he was doing with the car he was restoring. He was trouble. I was extremely attracted to him. I would work hard to remain professionally distant, and had to tell him more than once that I could not go out with him since I was faculty and he was a student. He really got under my skin and would flirt with me every week relentlessly. By the fourth week of class I was so aware of him and his advances, and so completely bowled over that I had to skip a night of work and call in a sub. The following quarter I had to turn the class over to someone else, even though it was my favorite segment to teach, because I did not know how to face five more weeks of exposure to him and his incredible magnetism. That was a double edged sword.
Eventually the Italian hottie graduated and looked me up on face book, and asked me out. I had to go, for a mixture of reasons. Would he still excite me? Why did he want to see ME? And he was a former student, a door of support I try to leave open for all of my former prodigys. My mentors changed my life and being there for people I have influenced is very important to me. It turned out to be one of my best dates. He made my mind go blank, my pulse race, and blood tingle in my veins. I knew I would merely be a conquest to him, so I resisted his charm, but it was extremely difficult. I still think he is the most beautiful, hunky, handsome man I have ever seen, and he smells amazing. I mooned over him and the raw, animalistic attraction for weeks with breathless imaginings and wistful “if onlys”.
I wanted him in ways I am only beginning to wake up to, and didn’t hesitate to let him know after the ways he came onto me, eventually I landed him for another night, but he seemed timid and insecure, which I really didn’t expect . When I interact with him, I feel like the mouse in the game of cat and mouse, and everyone knows I much prefer to be the cat. Besides the whole Mrs. Robinson thing just made me feel old and pathetic, instead of beautiful and sexy. Who needs that? I prefer a man that chases me.

RALPH
We were starting to have a good little back and forth , so we traded number thinking texting would be more convenient. But I didn’t expect the diatribe of his life story, or his close calls with rehab. He seemed a bit better looking than the majority of men my age, which has been daunting because evidently I have been aging very well. But his story was sort of the flip side of mine. While I have been divorced twice, his life seemed filled with drama and alcoholism. His e- girlfriend contacted him while we were texting and wanted to get back together. I have to commend him for letting me know, but it seemed highly inappropriate to send me a copy of their communications. We’ve never even met and I was a bit alarmed by his lack of tact! Both in sending me the transmissions, and his tirade to her about her substance abuse. Ralph was cute, available and not too far away, but my own life has plenty of drama, and this sort of thing did more to discourage me, than to inspire confidence in online dating.

BRUCE
He seemed like a dedicated family man, which to my mind seems more interesting to date. More stable emotionally, more dedication than your average playboy in a midlife crises. Although many men I have spoken to have mentioned that being a father was a turn off for many of the women they have dated. I guess the women became competitive with the kids. A sad thing indeed. As a mom I get the importance of kids, and the idea that we only get one chance to make it good for them. When we switched to texting, he seemed less interesting than his profile had suggested, and his deep involvement in a cultural world I had intentionally left behind and walked away from made actual dating seem pretty unlikely. It only took a few texts to determine that we had nothing in common after all, and just talking was becoming a bit of a stretch. I will have to let him down gently.

PALU
Here is a guy that intrigues me. He is well spoken, but laid back. He has a variety of interests and values that are obvious in the way he talks and spends his time. I was most interested by the versatility of his photos. A bit a of a nerdy geek, a bit of a jock, a bit of a food snob, and open to all sorts of activities. Dancing, movies, staying in. I had lunch with him and it was easy to talk to each other. We had a lot in common. To much so. He would make a great friend, or really like my roommate I think. I was genuinely pleased to meet him though.